then and now

[susie]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to share a little of my story, I suffered from mild post natal illness after the birth of my second child, he is now 18 months. As I was ill and as I started to recover my biggest worry was what had I done to my kids? Had I damaged them emotionally? They didnt deserve this crying, shouting mother. I worried for my son, what kind of a start had he had in this world, I loved him to bits and was lucky in that I bonded well but I spent so much time crying. I couldnt relax, I missed so many milestones, or spent them in tears ( ie his first mothers day) I felt I didnt deserve to be a mother. I thought they would be better off without me.

I worried about my daughter, she is nearly 5 now, she probably had a harder time than my son, she had been used to a calm ( mostly!) mum who spent time with her, cuddled, read stories, played games, enjoyed being with her, all of a sudden I didnt want to, I felt I was suffocating, I had no time for me, we didnt go out as much as I was so stressed out by the whole thing. She had a difficult time, the nursery teacher told me this was a little girl who was finding life difficult, I cried and cried after that one.

But now....after counselling, and with lots of support.... I am recovered, and I love being a mum again, with every inch of my heart, I enjoy spending time with my children, they light up my world ;D

And they are fine, my daughter is a loving, caring wee girl, she is so good with her brother it almost breaks my heart to watch her as she gives him her last chocolate button, when she thinks we arent looking. She has settled so well at nursery, she seems strong, she has been having a wee bit of friction with 2 of the other girls, nothing much but I am keeping an eye on it, they told her her glueing was disgusting, she told them that wasnt a nice thing to say because it hurts peoples feelings. Go for it kiddo!!

And my son.... is a twinkling star as much as he is a little monkey! Maybe he didnt have the best emotional start in life but he seems balanced( as much as they do at 18 months!) and he is very close to me and my husband too, although I think his sister is often his best friend but hey shes the one with the chocolate buttons!

Anyway all I wanted to say is that when you are stuck in the middle of it all it is so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but its there and one day soon you'll see it.

take care

susie
xx

[Vikki]

Hi Susie

Wel done! What a great and positive story.

I too worry about screwing my children up, but hey, how far back do you remember?

It is great to hear from someone who has come out the other side, and is back enjoying life.

Long shall it remain!

:Love

Vikki ;D

[Veritee]

Hi Susie

Thats a wonderful story and really inspiring for others.

I am so glad to have met you on the forum as your contrabution has always been helpful to everyone.

As you know I too always had as my worse fear that I would damage Caja emotionally.

She is only 15 and has her own teenage troubles and blips but on the whole she seems fine and actully a lot more OK than soe other children I know of her age.

so while I know it is early days and I will probably never know until she tells me.
But I think she is fine and I can see no sighs of her being adversly affected by my PNI.

So alls well that ends well I hope for us all

Veritee

[time]

Hi
Definately an inspiring story. I woryy about emotionally scaring my children, especially when i hear them repeating things to each other that i have said to them whilst shouting at them. I guess that we cant dwell on that sort of thing tho and just hope that tomorrow is a better day.

[susie]

Thanks girls! Actually reading back what I had written made me cry !

Time, you are so right about not dwelling on it, you do need to just hope that tomorrow is a better day, otherwise you would beat yourself up about it, we all shout ( even now I am recovered I lose the plot sometimes) being a mother can be so difficult, even without the added problem of pni, at one point when i was really low I used to hope that the next hour of the day would be better, and I went to bed so many nights crying because I felt so guilty for what I felt I had put my kids through. Keep fighting

Susie
x