Post by sandy on Mar 10, 2005 17:10:09 GMT
Hi I’m new. this place seems as good as anywhere to tell my pni story.
I was in my 2nd marriage. my husband was a spend thrift. I didn’t have any money. Bills were of no concern for him..
We were trying for a baby ever since we got married and eventually i fell pregnant.
My pregnancy was fine until the final days. i was overdue. I was very big and the head was engaged for a few days making it very uncomfortable.
We went to a check up and i exaggerated the pain I was in when i had an internal. She swept her fingers around the vagina in an attempt to start up the labour process. We were sent home (about 30 mins away) and as soon as we got home i started having contractions.
We went back into hospital. Contractions stopped after a while but i was pacing to try and continue the labour. I was told to go to sleep which i did. I woke up with a strong contraction. I was taken to the labour ward.
They thought they would have to call the baby fizzy as my contractions were very close while we were near a drinks machine.
I got into the room. it had been noted that i wanted a water birth but was told that i couldn't yet.
I was in a lot of pain and was told it was too late to have the epidural. My waters hadn't broken and the midwife had difficulty trying to rupture the bag. She said it was like a tyre.
The baby had gone to toilet in me so my water birth idea was out of the question. when the baby was born she was cold and put under a heat lamp.
Before going into labour i had told myself that i wanted to have a shower after the birth so i could have some me time. This was because after my 1st child ( i have 3 now) i didn't wash for 3 days!
During my shower a midwife told me very crossly that my baby needed me to feed her as she was crying. I went to her and tried to feed her. she wasn't interested. I recon the reason for her crying wasn't because she was hungry but because she was getting used to being out of my womb (after all she hadn't wanted to come out in the first place)
In the ward there was a new mum next to me that picked her baby up every time it cried. i thought "why don't you leave it for a bit. it will do no harm"
At home and my mum was very helpful with helping me with the baby and looking after the home and kids.
When she went i had to get into a routine without her.
My husband would help but if he was working the next day he wouldn’t help with the feeds (i expressed so he could).
My day started with getting the older girls ready for school. I waited for my oldest to be picked up by mini bus. I then put the baby in the pram and took the other child to school 30 mins down the road. We were dependent on when the mini bus came for my oldest so sometimes we had to hurry. i would then go home to sort out the youngest with breakfast etc. the house was messy and i was moaned at.
My husband took me to the doctors as i had started to get memory problems. The doctor just gave suggestions on how to remember more and it was left like that.
we went to church one Easter Sunday and that was the time my delusions were starting. baby was about 4 months old then. The kids found Easter eggs in the drawers and i said that mr blobby put them there. I had no memory of putting them there myself or my husband. My husband was very into formula 1 racing and was watching it. I thought that Noel Edmonds from the late late breakfast show(i think that’s what it was called but it was a uk program) had been monitoring our actions in the week and he was going to surprise my husband with a drive around the track ( we lived close to brans hatch). I thought that someone was indicating to me that it was going to happen on the t.v in the kitchen.
I told the kids about it but told them to be quite as it was a surprise. They were in another room.
When the racing was on the kids were always sent to their room because he didn't want to be disturbed.
One of their story tapes they were playing with in their room didn't work so i went in to check. It was tape number 6 so i thought that was the time the tv thing was going to start. I even thought that across the road they were indicating to me because of the nets moving.
I was panicking as the place was a mess. I was frantically trying to sort the place out.
My husband realised that something was wrong but he couldn't get it out of me what was happening. He stormed out. I quickly phoned up a friend of mine and told her that i need help to get the place sorted " you can tidy and sue can iron" I couldn't tell her what was going on either as it was a total surprise.
I calmed down once i realised that nobody was coming around and we all went to bed.
Later that night i woke up. I looked at the window where there was a bright light coming through. My husband woke up too and told me not to be alarmed but he was a angel. he told me to pull him on different parts of the body and i felt compelled to do so. I was told to pull harder on his nose his ear his hair everywhere.
I was told that i had to go to hospital to witness to others but not to worry just look for the light.
The doctor came and my husband got the kids out of bed all but the baby. I wasn't allowed to touch either of them. My husband was going to drive me to the hospital with the kids in the back but a ambulance came. I wanted to say bye to my baby but was told i was held back.
The first night i was there i thought i was being spied on. I thought i had to find a key or something to get out. I thought that the church were there, having a discussion about me or something. Eventually i had remembered what i had been told. look for the light. I stared at the light and someone came and took me out of there.
I went home for a nights visit to see how i would get on. We had a meeting for the special needs child to arrange respite. My dad was there also. Every time i tried to talk my husband shut me up telling me that i haven't been there so i wouldn't know what my daughter had been like. After they went he gave me my medication and asked if i was shaking. Without an answer he gave me the other tablet that wasn't supposed to be taken after 9 as it would keep me awake. My dad tried to stop me taking it with a look but i took it anyway. I was sent to bed. dad and my husband stayed up to chat for a bit. I couldn't sleep ( we lived in a bungalow) as the noise was too much for me. He came in and tried to sexually arouse me and he took advantage of me. because i had been aroused i was more alert and i couldn't sleep. It was a really strange and frightening feeling. I was told to go to sleep because he had to work in the morning. i couldn't so in the end he took me back to hospital.
i didn't see my husband or kids very much due to the distance from the hospital. Those visits got less and less.
when my husband did visit my illusions of him being a angel were still there. I thought i wasn't allowed to tell anyone about it. I would get bad again after he left. he wasn't allowed to take me out of the grounds of the hospital.
Other visitors had a positive effect on me. My mum and dad were great they didn't live close but i was able to call. when They did come to visit mum used to help me wash as i couldn't on my own and a friend would help me too when she visited.
Then one day mum and dad took me out. The docs said it was ok but i would have to come back at a certain time cos my husband was coming to see me. I thought this was great, i hadn't seen him for quite a while.
He came in to tell me that he couldn't cope anymore. he wanted a divorce. The kids were to go with my parents apart from the baby. I had a massage after and i remember lying there in shock saying " he wants a divorce!" over and over.
I found out from my mum and dad that they knew what he was going to do as social services had asked if they would look after the kids. My husbands cousin had come to stay to "help out" but everyone thought that they were having a affair. Family, friends and social services didn't approve. He didn't want them involved anymore so he wanted the divorce so he could break free from it all. He had seen my hospital payphone number appear on the phone once and asked his cousin whether he should answer it ( my parents were there) she said yes but there were times he didn’t.
1 month later i came out of hospital for good. I had had some time out of hospital but wasn't discharged. I was in hospital 4 and a half months but it seemed much longer.
Me and the kids lived with my parents for a year until we all thought it would be ok for us to be in a place on our own. at first it was if my mum and dad were looking after 3 kids, my 2 daughters and me. I couldn't be left alone. I had thoughts about wanting to kill myself. I wouldn't feel safe enough to have a shower without my mum around me.
When we moved out to our own place my medication stopped. i started to try and get custody of my 3rd daughter as contact was only 4 days a month. he wouldn't allow anymore. A year later we won.
I found out the day we won that my mum and dad asked what was he going to do about telling the child about me. He said that his cousin was going to known to her as her mum and she wouldn't know anything about me. This was when i was in hospital and they didn’t think I was going to get out ever. He has married his cousin now. He see's his daughter but not that regularly. due to work and expense. She is 8 now and i have a different partner. We have been together for almost 2 years and he is brilliant. he loves the kids as if they are his own.
I never stopped loving my daughter. even though i didn't see her a lot between the ages of 4 and 16 months. We have a strong bond now.
I got sterilised because after i left the hospital they said that i shouldn't get pregnant again cos it would kill me. Now i'm confused on this but with irregular periods its a worry as i think maybe it hasn't done its job. I will have to ask the doctor why this is so i won't be so fearful of getting pregnant.
I was in my 2nd marriage. my husband was a spend thrift. I didn’t have any money. Bills were of no concern for him..
We were trying for a baby ever since we got married and eventually i fell pregnant.
My pregnancy was fine until the final days. i was overdue. I was very big and the head was engaged for a few days making it very uncomfortable.
We went to a check up and i exaggerated the pain I was in when i had an internal. She swept her fingers around the vagina in an attempt to start up the labour process. We were sent home (about 30 mins away) and as soon as we got home i started having contractions.
We went back into hospital. Contractions stopped after a while but i was pacing to try and continue the labour. I was told to go to sleep which i did. I woke up with a strong contraction. I was taken to the labour ward.
They thought they would have to call the baby fizzy as my contractions were very close while we were near a drinks machine.
I got into the room. it had been noted that i wanted a water birth but was told that i couldn't yet.
I was in a lot of pain and was told it was too late to have the epidural. My waters hadn't broken and the midwife had difficulty trying to rupture the bag. She said it was like a tyre.
The baby had gone to toilet in me so my water birth idea was out of the question. when the baby was born she was cold and put under a heat lamp.
Before going into labour i had told myself that i wanted to have a shower after the birth so i could have some me time. This was because after my 1st child ( i have 3 now) i didn't wash for 3 days!
During my shower a midwife told me very crossly that my baby needed me to feed her as she was crying. I went to her and tried to feed her. she wasn't interested. I recon the reason for her crying wasn't because she was hungry but because she was getting used to being out of my womb (after all she hadn't wanted to come out in the first place)
In the ward there was a new mum next to me that picked her baby up every time it cried. i thought "why don't you leave it for a bit. it will do no harm"
At home and my mum was very helpful with helping me with the baby and looking after the home and kids.
When she went i had to get into a routine without her.
My husband would help but if he was working the next day he wouldn’t help with the feeds (i expressed so he could).
My day started with getting the older girls ready for school. I waited for my oldest to be picked up by mini bus. I then put the baby in the pram and took the other child to school 30 mins down the road. We were dependent on when the mini bus came for my oldest so sometimes we had to hurry. i would then go home to sort out the youngest with breakfast etc. the house was messy and i was moaned at.
My husband took me to the doctors as i had started to get memory problems. The doctor just gave suggestions on how to remember more and it was left like that.
we went to church one Easter Sunday and that was the time my delusions were starting. baby was about 4 months old then. The kids found Easter eggs in the drawers and i said that mr blobby put them there. I had no memory of putting them there myself or my husband. My husband was very into formula 1 racing and was watching it. I thought that Noel Edmonds from the late late breakfast show(i think that’s what it was called but it was a uk program) had been monitoring our actions in the week and he was going to surprise my husband with a drive around the track ( we lived close to brans hatch). I thought that someone was indicating to me that it was going to happen on the t.v in the kitchen.
I told the kids about it but told them to be quite as it was a surprise. They were in another room.
When the racing was on the kids were always sent to their room because he didn't want to be disturbed.
One of their story tapes they were playing with in their room didn't work so i went in to check. It was tape number 6 so i thought that was the time the tv thing was going to start. I even thought that across the road they were indicating to me because of the nets moving.
I was panicking as the place was a mess. I was frantically trying to sort the place out.
My husband realised that something was wrong but he couldn't get it out of me what was happening. He stormed out. I quickly phoned up a friend of mine and told her that i need help to get the place sorted " you can tidy and sue can iron" I couldn't tell her what was going on either as it was a total surprise.
I calmed down once i realised that nobody was coming around and we all went to bed.
Later that night i woke up. I looked at the window where there was a bright light coming through. My husband woke up too and told me not to be alarmed but he was a angel. he told me to pull him on different parts of the body and i felt compelled to do so. I was told to pull harder on his nose his ear his hair everywhere.
I was told that i had to go to hospital to witness to others but not to worry just look for the light.
The doctor came and my husband got the kids out of bed all but the baby. I wasn't allowed to touch either of them. My husband was going to drive me to the hospital with the kids in the back but a ambulance came. I wanted to say bye to my baby but was told i was held back.
The first night i was there i thought i was being spied on. I thought i had to find a key or something to get out. I thought that the church were there, having a discussion about me or something. Eventually i had remembered what i had been told. look for the light. I stared at the light and someone came and took me out of there.
I went home for a nights visit to see how i would get on. We had a meeting for the special needs child to arrange respite. My dad was there also. Every time i tried to talk my husband shut me up telling me that i haven't been there so i wouldn't know what my daughter had been like. After they went he gave me my medication and asked if i was shaking. Without an answer he gave me the other tablet that wasn't supposed to be taken after 9 as it would keep me awake. My dad tried to stop me taking it with a look but i took it anyway. I was sent to bed. dad and my husband stayed up to chat for a bit. I couldn't sleep ( we lived in a bungalow) as the noise was too much for me. He came in and tried to sexually arouse me and he took advantage of me. because i had been aroused i was more alert and i couldn't sleep. It was a really strange and frightening feeling. I was told to go to sleep because he had to work in the morning. i couldn't so in the end he took me back to hospital.
i didn't see my husband or kids very much due to the distance from the hospital. Those visits got less and less.
when my husband did visit my illusions of him being a angel were still there. I thought i wasn't allowed to tell anyone about it. I would get bad again after he left. he wasn't allowed to take me out of the grounds of the hospital.
Other visitors had a positive effect on me. My mum and dad were great they didn't live close but i was able to call. when They did come to visit mum used to help me wash as i couldn't on my own and a friend would help me too when she visited.
Then one day mum and dad took me out. The docs said it was ok but i would have to come back at a certain time cos my husband was coming to see me. I thought this was great, i hadn't seen him for quite a while.
He came in to tell me that he couldn't cope anymore. he wanted a divorce. The kids were to go with my parents apart from the baby. I had a massage after and i remember lying there in shock saying " he wants a divorce!" over and over.
I found out from my mum and dad that they knew what he was going to do as social services had asked if they would look after the kids. My husbands cousin had come to stay to "help out" but everyone thought that they were having a affair. Family, friends and social services didn't approve. He didn't want them involved anymore so he wanted the divorce so he could break free from it all. He had seen my hospital payphone number appear on the phone once and asked his cousin whether he should answer it ( my parents were there) she said yes but there were times he didn’t.
1 month later i came out of hospital for good. I had had some time out of hospital but wasn't discharged. I was in hospital 4 and a half months but it seemed much longer.
Me and the kids lived with my parents for a year until we all thought it would be ok for us to be in a place on our own. at first it was if my mum and dad were looking after 3 kids, my 2 daughters and me. I couldn't be left alone. I had thoughts about wanting to kill myself. I wouldn't feel safe enough to have a shower without my mum around me.
When we moved out to our own place my medication stopped. i started to try and get custody of my 3rd daughter as contact was only 4 days a month. he wouldn't allow anymore. A year later we won.
I found out the day we won that my mum and dad asked what was he going to do about telling the child about me. He said that his cousin was going to known to her as her mum and she wouldn't know anything about me. This was when i was in hospital and they didn’t think I was going to get out ever. He has married his cousin now. He see's his daughter but not that regularly. due to work and expense. She is 8 now and i have a different partner. We have been together for almost 2 years and he is brilliant. he loves the kids as if they are his own.
I never stopped loving my daughter. even though i didn't see her a lot between the ages of 4 and 16 months. We have a strong bond now.
I got sterilised because after i left the hospital they said that i shouldn't get pregnant again cos it would kill me. Now i'm confused on this but with irregular periods its a worry as i think maybe it hasn't done its job. I will have to ask the doctor why this is so i won't be so fearful of getting pregnant.
