LONG TIME SUFFERER!

[JANE]

HELLO,
I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN? I WAS DIAGNOSED WITH PND NEARLY 6 YRS AGO WHEN I HAD MY 1ST CHILD, PREMATURE (32 WEEKS). WORDS CAN'T DESCRIBE THE HORROR I WENT THROUGH FOR THE 1ST MONTHS. I WAS GIVEN MEDICATION, WHICH DID HELP. I WAS THEN ON A ROLLERCOASTER BATTLING THE DEPRESSION UNTIL I BECAME PREGNANT AGAIN! I WAS STILL ON MEDICATION & DETERMINED TO HAVE THE BABY, I HAD A FANTASTIC PREGNANCY, LABOUR WAS QUICK & I HAD ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL BABY BOY! HE WAS AN ANGEL, SLEPT, CONTENTED FROM BIRTH, & I WAS ENJOYING EVERYTHING I HAD MISSED WHEN I HAD MY 1ST BOY. I DID FEEL GREAT & THOUGHT I HAD OVERCOME IT BUT LITTLE WAS I TO KNOW I WOULD BE HIT WITH PND, 10 TIMES WORSE THAN WITH MY 1ST BOY! WHY? I HAD TO TAKE MORE MEDICATION THIS TIME & WAS GIVEN THE EVIL DRUG VALIUM! MY ELDEST WILL BE 6 SOON & YOUNGEST 3, I HAVE BATTLED THE ROLLERCOASTER FOR YEARS & STILL TAKING THE MEDS! MY RELATIONSHIP HAS SUFFERED SO MUCH YOU'D BE SUPRISED TO HEAR THAT HE HAS STOOD BY ME ALL THE WAY & IS STILL HERE ALTHOUGH THINGS NOW ARE TOUCH & GO! HE'S PUT UP WITH THE, NO SEX! FOR MONTHS ON END, WHEN SOME MEN WOULD HAVE GONE ELSEWHERE! I WANT TO GET OFF THE MEDS DESPERATELY & BE THE PERSON I WAS BEFORE BUT I KNOW THIS WON'T BE HAPPENING! I HAVE MY BOUTS EVERY SO OFTEN BUT GET THROUGH IT. I LOOK AT MY BOYS & LOVE THEM SO MUCH THAT IF I WERE TOLD THAT I WOULD END UP SUFFERING THIS BEFORE MY 1ST BOY, YOU KNOW WHAT! I WOULD DO IT ! I WOULD'NT CHANGE THEM FOR THE WORLD, I PAID A PRICE WITH THE ILLNESS BUT IT WAS WORTH IT & THE LOVE FOR THEM KEEPS ME GOING TODAY!

[francoise]

hi jane
im sorry to hear that , thats awful for you , how are you doing now , whats happening with you , and of course welcome to the site

love fran xx

[monica]

Hi

Don't know what to say apart from you're not alone and I'm sure there will come a day when this will be a thing of the past. What have been your symptoms? What help have you had? Have you had much support? I've had PND since about Oct of last year and only recently have discovered thanks to this place, that all the sypmtoms I've had have been PND.

[wendabell no online]

hi there jane and a big welcome.
You could be me speaking there.ive had this 5 years through all three children or just continuous from the first time who knows.
The lack of sex yes me too.just feel thats not a part of me at the moment.no feelings in that department at all and when it has happened its fake or i just lay there.
My relationship is suffering too.he is great and does stick by me also but the strain is showing these days.
At what stage are you now hunny?
Do you feel your getting better or still struggling.
I just poped on for a quick check of the site and felt i had to answer your thread as what you wrote sounded so simular to me.
Be kind to yourself,being a mum is not easy at the best of times and if you are anything like me you have battled on regardless over the years too.I bet your doing a fantastic job and your kids and hubs love you too.
Keep talking it does help honest.and just wanted you to know your not alone
love wendy x.x.x

[JANE]

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU THAT HAVE REPLIED. I KNOW THAT I AM NOT ALONE, BUT ALOT OF YOU WILL PROBABLY FEEL THE SAME IN THAT UNLESS YOU HAVE AN ILLNESS THAT IS VISIBLE THEN YOU ARE OK. I'M SURE SOME OF YOU WILL OF HAD THE OLD FAMOUS LINES, "OH ITS NORMAL YOU JUST HAD A BABY" (NOT 6 YRS LATER!) & "WE ALL GET DEPRESSED SOMETIMES, PICK YOURSELF UP! YES, YOU PND SUFFERERS, WE ALL KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO THAT ONE, IF IT WERE ONLY THAT EASY!!!!!! MY PARTNER HAS BEEN MY SUPPORT, IT DID TAKE HIM SOME TIME TO REALLY UNDERSTAND THAT IT WAS AN ILLNESS. MY DOCTOR HAS BEEN FANTASTIC & ALTHOUGH I DID HAVE TO TAKE VALIUM ASWELL AS OTHER MEDICATION (WHICH I AM STILL TAKING!)HE HAS SO MUCH EMPATHY FOR ME, I SEE HIM REGULARLY & FOUND HIM TO BE MORE UNDERSTANDING THAN PYSCHIATRISTS (WHO SHOULD KNOW MORE ABOUT PND) ANYWAY, I COULD GO ON FOREVER! I'VE CONSIDERED SUICIDE ENDLESS TIMES, TOOK AN OVERDOSE, WANTED TO RUN AWAY & NOT BE SUCH A BURDEN TO MY FAMILY! I'M STILL HERE & STILL FIGHTING, AGAIN THANKS TO YOU ALL X

[Vikki]

Hi Jane

It is so great to hear you have great love and support from your husband, so many of us struggle with our partners not understanding.

I am glad that you are still fighting after all this time, and I hope that you find more support from us here.

Lots of love

Vikki

[Veritee]

Hi Jane

There is so much I could relate to you about your PNI and if you have read some of my posts in the past, you will see why.

I was curious as to why you were prescribed Valium and by who? I am not medically trained but I have never heard of anyone being prescribed Valium for PNI in all the time I have been listening to women with PNI

I had PNI long term like you and at the time it very much felt like I would never get over it.

However while I know that this will not help you much when you are going through this thing - I did get over PNI and so will you.

In my case, and I have been told that to say this is misrepresentative as the facts are is everyone recovers for PNI - I have been left with issues left over from having had PNI. But I accept that this is probably because I had stuff from childhood already which has been compounded - by the fact I had PNI.

Have you experienced anything like this – was PNI the first time you had felt you had mental or emotional issues – or was this the first time anything like this had happened to you in your life?

That not withstanding, I do not think why I got PNI in the first place is related to this and I did fully recover from PNI.

Reading what you say I think it is very likely you had not recovered from PNI when you had your second child and I have heard from many mothers that this can make PNI last longer, as it is as if it starts all over again but on top of the first bout of PNI so it is sort of doubly hard to shift. Also most that I have talked to did feel fine again in pregnancy and for a time after - until the PNI again hit them like a hammer.

And reading what you say your youngest is still only 3 so it is still not that long that you have had it since your second was born.

I had it almost as long as you and I did not have another baby, so I am convinced you will get well.

I found you have to be proactive about it though. What you need or will help you get better does not come to you - you have to actively seek it,

For some it is the medication, others counselling and support groups either like this online or face to face support groups and for others it is going back to work , continuing education, psychotherapy, new friends that eventually jits the spots and triggers recovery.

We know very little about you - what have you tried so far?

It is lovely your husband stood by you, mine did too and we are much closer for it . I often think he deserves a medal!

As to sex and PNI - I have just read how drastically SSRIs can inhibit any libido and was wondering that if you are on then how much these medications are adding to this. Here is one woman’s experience -she later changed to Tricyclics and these symptoms went away

******************************
no one told me my libido
would totally go and I'd have such night
sweats the bed would be soaking in the
morning, and they never warned me either
what would happen if I forgot to take it for a day
or two ... the world would suddenly go black
and I'd think I was going to pass out, cold
sweats ... but at least I only took it for a
relatively short time and came off without
problem by tapering

*******************************
As someone with long term PNI but who did not take any medication I found that yes my libido was nil for a year or so after the baby, when she was very small and demanding of my time both physical and emotional - but even though I had PNI for some time to come , and I was never as enthusiastic as before, I was happy to have sex and wanted it now and then and ability to orgasm was fine –

So I have recently been wondering how much Ant Ds play a part in this?

anyway I do not know enough about you to comment more really, so please get back to us if it will be helpful.

All the best

Veritee

[JANE]

THANKS VERITEE FOR YOUR SUPPORT & THIS WEBSITE FOR THAT MATTER! I HAVEN'T BEEN ON FOR A WHILE SO I WAS GLAD OF SOME REASSURANCE.
YOU ASK ABOUT A FEW THINGS, WELL THERE IS SO MUCH TO TELL YOU SO I'LL START BIT BY BIT? I DON'T THINK THERE ISN'T A SYMPTOM THAT I HAVEN'T HAD, BUT AS TO YOUR QUESTION ON BEING PRESCRIBED VALIUM. WHEN I HAD MY 1ST BOY AT 32 WKS IT WAS HORRIFIC! & AND THATS PUTTING IT MILDLY! THE MIDWIFE DURING THE LAST 8HRSOF A 24HR LABOUR WAS AWFUL TO ME. I WAS PETRIFIED, MY 1ST CHILD, 8WKS EARLY & WASN'T READY ALL I CAN REMEMBER THINKIN WAS HE SHOULD BE HERE IN JULY NOT NOW (MAY), WHAT WILL HE BE LIKE? WOULD HE BE NORMAL.
SHE BASICALLY RIPPED ME APART IN THE LOWER REGION BECAUSE HE WAS TO SMALL WHEN I WAS PUSHING. IT WAS FRANTIC THE DOCTORS CAME IN & TOOK HIM AWAY FROM ME STRAIGHT AWAY. SHE LEFT ME & MY PARTNER & SOMEONE BROUGHT ME A POLAROID PICTURE OF HIM, WIRED UP IN NEO NATAL. I DIDN'T NO WHAT WAS HAPPENING, NOONE WAS INTERESTED IN ME. I WAS BLEEDING HEAVILY, BECAUSE AS I DELIVERED HIM SHE SAID" WE'VE GOT A BLEEDER HERE!" MEANING ME! I WAS LEFT ALONE, & THE BLEEDING WOULDN'T STOP SO MY PARTNER WENT TO FETCH SOMEONE. HE FOUND THE MIDWIFE WITH HER FEET UP HAVING A COFFEE! HE WAS FURIOUS & TOLD HER TO COME TO MY AID. SHE DIDN'T STRAIGHT AWAY BUT WHEN SHE ARRIVED SHE TREATED ME WITH DISGUST. "GET YOUR LEGS UP HERE, SO I CAN GET THIS MESS STITCHED UP!"I WAS IN AGONY, THE PAIN WAS SO BAD SHE WOULDN'T GIVE ME ANYTHING TILL SHE HAD SUTURED ME! I WANTED TO VOMIT WITH THE PAIN & TOLD HER THAT I WAS GOING TO! HER REPLY TO MY PARTNER WAS, "GET A BED PAN FROM THE CUPBOARD UP THERE!"I WAS VOMITING IN THE PAN WHILE MY PARTNER HELD MY HAIR FROM MY FACE, SHE WOULDN'T STOP SUTURING ME EITHER SHE JUST CARRIED ON! WHEN SHE FINISHED SHE LEFT US ALONE, MY PARTNER HAD TO AID ME TO THE BATH, I WAS LEFT FOR AGES. WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, OR WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO OUR BABY!EVENTUALLY ANOTHER MIDWIFE ARRIVED & TOLD ME TO GET ALL MY THINGS TOGETHER I WAS GOING TO A WARD." WHAT ABOUT MY BABY!" I REPLIED, IN TEARS. WE'LL CALL UP TO NEO NATAL & YOU CAN SEE HIM! HE WAS ATTACHED TO SO MANY WIRES IN AN INCUBATOR & IT WAS TRAUMATIC FOR ME TO SEE, BUT HE WAS BEAUTIFUL & WEIGHED 4'3. I WAS THERE LITERALLY 2 MINTUES & THEN TAKEN TO A WARD EARLY HOURS OF MORNING.I WAS IN SO MUCH DISTRESS, I TOLD THEM I WANTED A CIGARETTE, THEY SAID NO!WE'RE NOT TAKING YOU DOWNSTAIRS AT THIS TIME!. MY PARTNER SAID HE WOULD TAKE ME DOWN HIMSELF IN THE WHEELCHAIR!. WE WERE BOTH LOST FOR WORDS. WHEN I WAS PUT BACK IN MY ROOM, MY PARTNER WAS TOLD TO LEAVE! I WAS ALONE, MY BABY WAS 2 FLOORS ABOVE ME ALONE (GOD KNOWS WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO HIM!), AND MY PARTNER WAS AT HOME ALONE! NOONE SEEMED TO CARE ON THE WARD. I COULD HEAR BABIES CRYING, BUT MY BABY WASN'T WITH ME! I CRIED TILL MORNING UNTIL MY PARTNER CAME BACK AS SOON AS HE WAS ALLOWED!. THE REST OF THE STAY ON THE WARD WAS TERRIBLE, I JUST WANTED TO GO HOME! TO CUT THE STORY SHORTER, MY LITTLE BOY WAS A FIGHTER & WAS DOING WELL! I WAS ALLOWED HOME AFTER A FEW DAYS, BECAUSE I BASICALLY TOLD THEM I WAS GOING! I WAS LOSING CLOTS & INFORMED THE MIDWIVES ON THE WARD, THEY SAID ITS OK, IF IT GETS WORSE SAVE THEM SO WE KNOW YOUR LOSS! I WAS RELIEVED TO GET HOME. I REMEMBER MY PARTNER SITTING ON THE EDGE OF THE BATH WITH HIS FEET IN THE BATH JUST BATHING ME BECAUSE I WAS STILL IN TERRIBLE PAIN & I THOUGHT I WAS LOSING IT! I GAINED STRENGTH & USED AN ELECTRICAL PUMP SO I COULD TAKE MY BREAST MILK IN TO MY BABY. I WAS THERE AT 6 EVERY MORNING & DIDN'T LEAVE TILL LATE EVENING WITH MY PARTNER.
I WOULD TRY & BREAST FEED HIM BUT HE WAS TINY SO IT WAS DIFFICULT, BUT I WOULD USE THE PUMP & KEEP A SUPPLY FOR HIM IN THE FRIDGE(NEO NATAL), FOR WHEN I WENT HOME. I FELT GUILTY LEAVING HIM BUT THE STAFF THERE, WERE FAR MORE UNDERSTANDING & ACTUALLY MADE ME FEEL BETTER. HE WAS DOING FINE BUT I WAS ABOUT TO TAKE A TURN FOR THE WORSE!
WHEN I BREAST FED THE WOMB CONTRACTS OBVIOUSLY SO I WAS ALWAYS IN A GREAT DEAL OF PAIN, USING THE PUMP. ONE NIGHT (I WASN'T SLEEPING ANYWAY), & WAS IN PAIN, WHEN I PULLED BACK THE BEDCOVERS, BLOOD WAS EVERYWHERE. I RAN TO THE BATHROOM & SAT ON THE TOILET & WAS SCREAMING FOR MY PARTNER. HE THOUGHT THE CISTERN ON THE TOILET WAS FLOODING BUT IT WAS ME! I WAS CLOTTING BLOOD THE SIZE OF LIVER PIECES.
EACH TIME IT WOULD COME AWAY THE BLOOD WOULD FLOW FROM ME! IT WAS SERIOUS. MY PARTNER WAS CALM (BUT HE TOLD ME LATER HE WAS PETRIFIED FOR ME). I COULDN'T STAND BECAUSE CLOTS WOULD COME AWAY, SO WE CAUGHT SOME IN TOWELS & WRAPPED THEM UP TO TAKE TO THE HOSPITAL. I HAD TO SIT ON A BATH SHEET! SCRUNCHED UP IN THE CAR, THE LOSS WAS SO GREAT. I REMEMBER WALKING DOWN THE STAIRS IN THE FLAT & SAYING TO MAY PARTNER " I DON'T WANT TO DIE!) WE WENT TO NEO NATAL, I REFUSED TO GO TO THE WARDS. THE MIDWIFE WAS HORRIFIED WITH WHAT SHE SAW, & SO WAS THE REGISTRAR. I WAS TAKEN DOWN TO THE WARD & GIVEN INJECTIONS TO TRY & STOP THE BLEEDING, BUT THEY WEREN'T WORKING! PEOPLE WERE COMING IN & OUT, THE DOCTOR WOULDN'T LEAVE ME! I WAS GIVEN BLOOD/PLASMA & WHISKED UP TO THEATRE. I CRIED WHEN MY PARTNER HAD TO LET GO OF MY HAND BECAUSE I REALLY DIDN'T THINK I WOULD BE COMING BACK. I AWOKE, SCREAMING "I WANT TO SEE MY BABY" THE NURSE AT MY SIDE WAS A FRIEND WHO WAS OBSERVING ME & SHE TOLD ME THAT THE OPERATING DOCTORS HAD FOUND ALOT OF PLACENTA LEFT INSIDE ME. NOT JUST A SMALL PIECE BUT A LOT & THEY WERE SHOCKED!
YES, THE ORIGINAL UNHELPFUL MIDWIFE WHO DELIVERED HIM DECIDED NOT TO CHECK THAT MY PLACENTA WAS IN TACT, SHE COULD OF KILLED ME!!!!
MY LITTLE BOY DID GREAT, & SO DID I WE WERE HOME AFTER 9 DAYS.(COULD OF BEEN 8 WKS). I WAS HAVING HORRENDOUS NIGHTMARES, NOT ABOUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED BUT THINGS LIKE... I WOULD WAKE UP SWEATING, SCREAMING THINKIN HE WAS IN MY ARMS WHEN HE WAS IN HIS CRIB? I WOULD SIT ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR & ROCK BACKWARDS & FORWARDS. ALLSORTS OF TERRIBLE THINGS. MY PARTNER COULDN'T COPE WITH HELPING ME & LOOKING AFTER MY BABY, BUT I COULDN'T DO IT! EVENTUALLY MY PARENTS HAD TO TAKE ME TO THERE HOUSE & A DOCTOR WAS CALLED.
I TOLD HER I WANTED THE NIGHTMARES, EVERYTHING TO GO AWAY! THAT WAS A LONG STORY BUT THAT IS HOW I ORIGINALLY WAS PUT ON VALIUM.
I'M SORRY THE REPLY IS SO LONG & I HAVE SO MUCH MORE TO TELL BUT I HAVE COME TO TERMS WITH THAT TRAUMATIC TIME. I SAW A PYSCHOLOGIST & ALONG WITH PNI WAS DIAGNOSED WITH POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER 6 MTHS AFTER HIS BIRTH. I COULDN'T DRIVE PAST THE HOSPITAL (I HAD TO EVERY DAY TO GET TO WORK!) I CAN TALK ABOUT IT FREELY NOW, BELIEVE IT OR NOT & I REMEMBER EVERYTHING AS IF I WERE THERE NOW! BUT I CAN DRIVE PAST THE HOSPITAL NOW! & CAN TALK ABOUT EVERY DETAIL, SOME OF WHICH I HAVEN'T MENTIONED BECAUSE I COULD GO ON FOREVER! BUT THATS HOW I STARTED WITH VALIUM! SORRY VERITEE BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER NOW WHAT ELSE YOU ASKED. I THINK YOU MIGHT OF HAD ENOUGH AFTER THAT ESSAY! SORRY!! BUT I SUPPOSE SOME MUMS MAY HAVE GONE THROUGH SIMILAR EXPERIENCES, ESPECIALLY, PREMATURE BIRTH.
ANYWAY, I WILL WRITE BACK! & THANK YOU AGAIN. THERES SO MUCH I CAN TALK ABOUT, ANYONE, JUST ASK!
LOVE JANE XX

[Veritee]

Hi Jane

This is one of the most awful experiences of a birth I have heard.

It must have been so traumatic for you both.

Some of what you say relates to mine and Barry’s experience of the helplessness you feel and being left to your own devises, when you are realy in distress and confused.

Barry even had to lift me on a trolley and push me to the operating theatre for a caesarean because there were no porters available and he pretty much acted as my nurse for many hours.

I also have a similar story to yours of them not informing me - or Barry - what had happened to Caja after she was born and no attempt was made to take me to see her at SCBU.

For me as a professional woman who was used to being in charge of my life and though my work - a whole youth unit

- it was the lack of control, helplessness and the way the skills which always worked for me in the past to protect myself and my family - just did not work here, that had the lasting effect on me about the birth.

Anyway I had some help from a site which is especially for birth crisis.

The web address is
www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/

and they actually provide phone numbers and e mail of volunteers - mostly highly qualified in this field - who are willing to talk through your birth experience and see where you can go from here.


Anyway keep posting your input will help others and we hope is useful to yourself.

All the best

Veritee

[time]

Hi Jane
I just read your thread and was disgusted with the care that you received. As an ex-health care professional i was gobsmacked at the treatment and lack of care given to you and your family. i think that you are incredibally brave in so much as you went on to have another child - good for you girl ;D
Anyway i hope that you get the help and support on here, oh and yeah a big welcome to the site

Take care
Time

[Jane]

Hi Time,
Thanks for your post, I found this site only a few weeks ago & I wish I had years ago.
Everyone has been so supportive, I can't thank you all enough for your replies to my threads.
I had an horrific time having my 1st boy & I suppose its hard to believe you can be treated in such bad way, but I have to say that not all the staff were like that.
I've come along way in the 6 yrs since I 1st started with PNI, & I think you are all brave & fantastic mothers.
Thank you once again
Love Jane xx