hello from Bam02

[bam02]

hello everyone,

I am a newish member and I want to introduce myself a bit.

I am called Anne-Marie, 40 this year in fact in 2 and 1/2 weeks on 1st May!

I am married and have been for 11 years. I have a son who is 10 and a daughter who is 2 1/2 years old.

I worked for the local council for 5 years and another council for ten years prior to that in Accountancy. I have been medically reitired since may last year and was off sick for nearly a year before that. I understand the pressure work can put on you.


I have had a history of treatment for depression since about 1994 when I had my son. But went back to work quite easilly that time. I was on antidepressants and eventually got refered to pschycologist at my doctors surgery.

I trundled along OK until my pyscical health deteriated. As i have a long term medical condition, calle a primary immune deficiency, where I don't make my own antibodies and take blood products once a week to help with that. I was diagnosed young at 10 years of age back inthe 70's and the treaments have got better over the years. But I still need the blodd products lkike a diabetic needs insulin and I have lung damage with symptoms similar to cystic fribrosis.

I moved jobs to a more local council with less hours - but I wasn't prepared for the new environment. I got very little support in the new job and was expected to learn the new systems without training . Although my grade was not much better than my preious job. The responsiblity was very much more and the manger seemed to get away with doing very little.!! Probably no surprise there. I found I had to fight to win any respect and the managers had there favourites and I wasn't one of them. It was a big mistake and i just crumbled in that workplace. !!!

As a consequense i just got pysicaly and mentally worse. I was off sick a lot and that made things worse once I got back. Eventually I was moved jobs and it might have been alright but I got pregnant with daughter number two and unresloved depression turned into prenatal and post natal depression...I went back to work for three months but then went off sick with depressiona nd have never been back. I am now on a pesion and incapacity benefit. The time i spent off sick was a nightmare - but as Verity said somewhere else on here I refused to resign and as result the outcome was better for me financially. They still had to pay me and follow procccedures.

But it takes it out of you. I wouldn't ay its easy at home beacuse my daughter is two and the expetations of my husband for a tidy house and hosuewife mother thing - don't sit easy with me. But its better.

I am finding life astruggle - I have had a cpn but was discharged when i fell out of the post preganncy period of 18 months and have had some Coganantive behavoiur therapy and it helped but its hard to keep going still.

So thats me.

better go as I am going on and on.

Bye for now

A-M

[wendabell]

hello ann marie and thank you for posting.
Wow you have had it tough and i like a many others on this forum know about how work treats you so unfairly.
I do hope we can offer you some support on here.
keep posting and love and hugs for now
wendy

[Carmen]

Hi Bam02

I also wanted to thank you for sharing your story and welcome you to the site. I'm sure you will get lots of help and support from Veritee and all the girls on here.

Keep posting and take care
Love Carmen

[bam02]

Thank you Carmen and Wendy.

I have seen a trainee Social worker at a mental health support centre - but she is leaving soon- finished her training. She came with me to the doctors yesterday and somehow the floodgates opened and I feel I may have hit the nail on the head - that some of my problem is my relationship with dh - its a controling one . But I feel powerless to leave him or change thigs especially as I no longer work away from the home.

But any way I am back with the doctor next week. She is worried about me- I have had to make a double appointment as I had a double one yesterday and should have only had ten minutes!!!! She says I used people as a prop - but I must learn to cope by myself.

Probably a good job that Sue the social worker is leaving as we have got too close and she doesn't hold back with her opinions either !!

Any way going on a again.

I hope that I can see the future a bit better soon. Got a 40th party in 6 weeks a joint one with me and an old school friend.

Bye for now and thanks for the welcoms.

Anne-Marie

[Veritee]

Hi A-M

Yes I think underling issues which you are not fully addressing can exasperate PNI or make your recovery slow.

I relate to partner difficulties, mine were really quite different from yours as Barry is the opposite of controlling really - but my underling lack of acceptance of our situation and anger with him for it was definitely a factor for me.

My issue was the fact Barry goes away to sea for up to 3 months at a time to work and has done for over 22 years - all our marriage in fact.

He is not controlling in himself, but his inability to take risks and change his job has in a way 'controlled' me and our relationship and indeed my life.

Apart from the inherent difficulties of having a partner away for more of the year than he is home and the terrible disruptive effect on family life - there is the fact that this is not how I planned to live my life, I hate it, really hate it and it is not of my choosing, yet I can do nothing about it.

In the past when I say this ( I don’t let anyone say this now or don’t listen when they do) have hurtfully said ' well you married him knowing his job- and you can not change people'

Indeed I did marry him knowing this and I also know you can not change anyone fundamentally unless this is what they want, but he was not honest and led me to believe that like a lot of young men he would do this job for a few years to get money and then leave.

And indeed this is the normal thing, it is a young mans job mostly and all the men he worked with originally left the sea years ago. He does work with a few older ones like him as British engineers are hard to find but most are those who have gone back now their children have grown and worked on shore for many years and many are in fact now single.

I had no intention of being a sailors wife left on shore for more than a few years of our married life as I always hated it, but 20 years on he is still in the same job and he now admits he knew he would never risk leaving until retirement unless his health failed.

I am self sufficient and coping so manage fine without him but emotionally cannot cope with the disruption of someone who comes and goes and did not know this was part of the bargain of our marriage.

I did not mean to go on about myself - you can see by how much I have to say on it that it is still as BIG issue for me.

But what I wanted to say is you are right unresolved issues, and especially those which lead to you feeling you are not in 'control' of your own life can certainly play a part in the journey of PNI.

I think that for most mums with PNI lack of control is a major factor as by just having a child you are 'controlled' by someone else’s needs even down to what time you wake when you sleep eat and go to the loo, and it takes some adjusting and compromise to accept this - but to have an extra factor of your adult partner in someway controlling or dictating the pattern of your life too, can sometimes tip the balance.

Well that’s my experience anyway!

But I am still with him and I do not want not to be with him so I have had to find a way to cope with this as he can not change and stop being petrified about taking job risks and is unlikely to leave until he retires.

So a major factor in my coping and getting over PNI was to first accept how great my anger was towards him for this and get it out in the open.

It was quite a shock when I realised how angry I was with the man I love and how I grieved for the life I thought I would have married to him, which will never be possible as he is away for so much.


And while the bottom line is he just can not change enough to leave his job, we have worked out what he can do when he is home that makes my life easier at least then and 'makes up' for him going away a little.

Some of these are big things but some very little like when he is away I have to do every thing but when he came home he acted like a husband who was always home working 9 to 5 and expected me to cook and do everything for him so instead of my life being easier when he was home - I had another adult to look after.

Any way I could go on more - but a first step I think is always in recovery from PNI is to bring to light the issues and factors that are getting in the way of your recovery and if you can not change them take steps to find compromises and ways through that will lessen their effect on you.
I do not know your man or your situation but once you have fully understood how you feel and all the barriers holding back your recovery( counselling on this issue only perhaps) you could then work out what would make it better for you and also confront your partner with your thoughts on what his contribution is to this and see if some compromises can be made that will help .

But I should not comment on your relationship as I do not know you, but I always think it is best to be honest and open in the end


All the best

Veritee

[bam02]

Hiya Verity,

Thanks for your answer and story. I think acceptance is a big thing. I think I sorted out work to the best of my ability and then. i have tot work through other things too. My son has a mild form of autistic spectrum disorder and we are going though changing hsi statement of special needs for his transfer to high school in 2006.

So thats a big issue - but its seems in life we'll alawys have a big issue to deal with and I'll just have to cope with its all.

Thought of joing a nunnery - closed order so no contact wit the outside world!!!1

Anyway thanks nice to listened too.

Anne-marie

[Veritee]

Dear A_M

Yes you are right acceptance is what I was getting at and often it is the only way through something. I'm very bad personally with acceptance - I have struggled with this all my life - I prefer to fight, change and use my issues in some positive way for someone.

But with some things sometime acceptance is the only way to move on for yourself - but I can see you are a very insightful person so you will know this.

(Your story of your work was very much like the story of my work - of being a youth worker and why I left)

I am about to highjack your thread but it is relevant because in a way running this site is a barrier to my accepting’ PNI as instead of accepting it I am trying to 'use' it, and I am worried that because you are so insightful you may not understand why I use my own story so much on here - so I thought I would explain:

*******************************************
I am a believer of the healing power of telling your story – and using your story.

This is one reason I went on the internet in the first place and eventually started the original site - before the forum - at: www.pni.org.uk as this site has a 'PNI stories' page for women to tell their story. When I had PNI I was desperate to tell my story as I could feel that telling my story perhaps many times, was what I needed for me to begin to get well and come to terms ( acceptance ) with what I saw as the tragedy of having PNI with my one and only child.

But there was nowhere to tell it!! no one to listen! and because some of my story if told truthfully included things that I was scared of the consequences of telling tell but needed to tell , such as my horrible thoughts about injuring Caja or worse – I was scared to tell anyone the whole truth of my story.

However I have realised over time through supporting others that telling your story is not the end. It is not all you have to do to get well.

Telling it over and over you recognise the issues I found it was not enough to keep telling it but you have to use it somehow to move on i.e. counselling of self reflection, and we can not really do this on a forum, but the forum is a start and can provide ongoing support.


But it is not for that reason

( not because I still need to tell and retell to heal myself - although of course every time I retell something I see a different aspect for myself too)

that I tell parts of my story when answering another’s post, and it is not to highjack the thread.


Over the years I have found that by doing this it is the only way I feel comfortable responding to something someone else says as for me to do it others wise, i.e. to say something like ' the way forward at this time for you could be acceptance'

I would feel I was patronising you or anyone else.

I am not on here as a professional or expert - just another women who has had PNI even if it was some years ago and the only way I can respond honestly as I feel in my heart - is from the perspective of suffering this too.

Also because all we have is words here, I can not give you a hug, you cant make eye contact, I have found that if I do not relate with my story all I would be saying on here to women would be platitudes ' ie you will get better, I am sorry you are feeling like this etc .

For myself (others support differently) the only way to be 'real' in supporting people using this limited media is to use my own story.

I am saying this as my approach suits most who use this forum - but not all. Some it does not and some have felt that if I need to go on telling my story I must be in dire personal need of retelling it for my own therapy, or self obsessed!

But I know that without this site I PNI would have long sunk into the background and except for a couple of issues be a very small and mostly forgotten part of Caja’s first few years.

I keep PNI alive for myself in order to support those still suffering as it is most people experience that once PNI ceases to be 'live' for you it is harder to support or relate to others which is why so few when they are better come back an here and offer to help support.

But keeping it 'live' is not for me without consequences in my own life, which I am willing to accept.

But this is why I urge others as soon as they can and if they can to put it behind them, have acceptance and get on with the rest of their life– while I am not able to do this myself fully and run this forum.

And why I do not actively try to recruit women who are recovered to help on this site although we desperately need them, but I am very grateful when they offer.

All the best

Veritee