Hello

[joanne]

Hi
I have just found this website and I am really hoping that I can hear from someone who understands what I am feeling.....but I cant explain it or understand it myself. I am so obsessed with my 7 month old son that I have never left his side since his birth. I am so tired I just want all of this to end but I want him with me. I trust no one with him. I am taking anti depressants now and I see a psychiatrist each week but I want to run away with him and never come back. Before Sam was born I had a very high profile job and was always seen as the "sensible" one. Now I cant even decide what to dress Sam in each day. I am English living in Holland so as you can imagine it doesn't make the problem easier. Am I going mad and will it go away??

[joanne]

Hi Wendy

thanks for your reply, its so hard each day and I feel so much pressure to go back to my job when all I want to do i run with my baby. I dont even trust his dad and I am so tierd of all the advice from people who keep telling me to cheer up I have a lovely son.......I know that!!
Thanks agai for the kind words

Jo

[cheshire]

Hi Joanne,

My husband was never trusted with childcare early on either. I know what youmean and my husband would validate that!

I am starting to feel better and I never thought I would.

Do what feels right - don't push yourself. I thought it was more a case of classic anxiety (with me) ie. face the fear, but quickly found that doing what you FELT you could cope with plus maybe just one challenging target a day was quite enough.

Paradoxically, since I have admitted I'm ill, I've started to get better.

Thinking of you.

[Veritee]

Hi

I too would not let my child leave my side.

On the one hand I complained that no one helped me and nagged my very patient husband that he did not do his fare share.

but on the other I did everything for my daughter and would not let anyone else do anything and like you I wanted it to end.

I do not think I ever spent one minute without her - I even took her into the toilet - until I felt I just had to go back to work when she was 8 months - and while then of course I did have to leave her at a nursery - when I came home I was EXACTLY the same!

I think their are many of us on this forum that really understand what you are saying -many of us have felt like this and while my experience - horrible as it was - was many years ago - their are others on here that can relate to what you are going though or equally distressing things currently.

However one good thing about the fact that I went through this so long ago now ( my daughter is now just this week finished her GCSEs and is 16)

Is that I can absolutely tell you that it will end - that you will be OK.

But in the meantime it may help to identify what it is you are frightened of happening if you leave him with someone else?

Mine was quite simple really - she nearly died at birth and while this was not my fault I blamed myself and was determined I would never let her down again and also because she so very nearly did not survive the birth I was scared all the time that she would die and some of my reasons where that I if she did I did not want to be blamed because I left her with someone else ie that if she died I had done my best..

Your reasons will not be exactly the same as mine or anywhere near the same as we are all different .

But this is why I could not leave Caja with anyone else - but I was not aware of it at first why - but it did help when I identified what I was scared of?

But I probably am saying something that you already have looked at if you see a psychiatrist every week I am sure you have discussed your fears and why you can not leave him so I am sure I should not have asked as I am no expert and only here to lend you support. But what you said struck a cord with me about how when Caja was fist born I did not even trust her dad to look after her for a minute

It must be very isolating to live in Holland ( most Dutch people speak English though so at least you can probably communicate a little? Do your speak dutch?

- but I hope we can help a little to support you on here.

Please feel free to post as you wish and to answer any thread as this is a mutual support forum]

All the best for now

Veritee

[wendabell]

hi joanne,
welcome and i hope you find the support you need on here.
Yes i can fully understand the wanting to have your child so close and not leaving your site.It is like this for many women on here.
I felt uneasy with them with anyone else even my hubby could do no right when he had them for the day i wuld pick holes in everything he did for them.
It also cant be easy living in holland, are your family there or are you there for a different reason. if you have no relatives over there to support you it must be so wearing.
I hope you will feel less alone on here.
This illness is not nice but you will get better and in time all these feelings will go.
Please post on here if it helps , nothing will shock us or make us judge you and we more than likely have had exactly the same feelings.
There are a lot of users on here and all give support freely and have many experiences to share.
looking forward to getting to know you better
love wendabell x.x.x

[rach]

hi joanne

i feel for you as i still will not let ethan leave my side and he is 2 years old nearly the longst i have left him is when i was in hospital for laparoscopy and other than that an hour or so max with hubby, it must be diff being away from home having any support there?

i hope you realise that your not alone on here

take care love and hugs rach

[collette]

hi joanne and welcome to the forum

I just wanted to say that I have found this forum to be such an excellent support to me during my illness.

Yes, it is normal when you have PNI to not to want to leave your baby with anyone else. In February this year I was due to return to work but I was still very ill, I just didn't realise it! I was a total mess at the thought of leaving Jacob with anyone else at all while at work. His Gran, my mum in law was going to behis carer and I just didn't really want anyone else looking after him. I thought I was the only person capable in the world of looking after him and should be that person as well.

However, this has changed such a lot over the last few months. I don't have any problems leaving him with others I know and trust because he really seems to enjoy it. I dont think he even misses me! He is such a sociable baby andjsut loves getting out and about so to me this makes leaving him so much easier.

It also means you get some precious free time to yourself which I have learnt is so very very important to recovery. At first I did not know what I wanted to do with my free time etc but now I look forward to these wee breaks.

So there will be light at the end of your dark tunnel, I can assure you cause I have been there and am gradually coming out of the other end.

Just use the support you get on here cause at the end of the day we are all in the same boat. Do you get any support from the health professionals in Holland at all?

Take care
Love Collettex

[joanne]

Hi Collette

thanks for your kind words, its so nice to know that I am not the only one.
I left Sam today for an hour with his dad.....I felt sick. I tried really hard but it is so difficult. He is now 8 months old and its the first time I have left him. I love him but I didnt want to come back home. I wanted to keep on driving and never come back. He is growing so quickly and nearly walking. I am so proud of him but I miss my little baby who needed me so much!
I am lucky that here in Holland doctors take this illness very seriously. I have an amazing psychiatrist who is so committed to helping me and I see her once a week. The medication makes me tired and I have no memory at all.....I have to write everything down!
Oh I dont know some days are ok but I cant shake this scary feeling off. I have a really good job but am so scared to go back, I am scared to stay off incase I loose my job but to go back is so frightening.
None of my relatives here seem to take this as an illness, they all think my only problem is taking sam to the creche and that it is wrong for me to work anyway. I know it sounds terrible but I studied so hard to get where I am and I dont want to give it up. In Holland most women dont work after children.....so its a battle to try to defend myself.
Thanks again and I am glad things are better for you ...

Jo-Anne

[hopeful]

Hey

Just a quick thought - like you, I worked hard for my job and I do believe that sometimes whatever your situation - if you're happy, baby's happy, although that's not my rule of thumb and as we know with PNI it can work the other way (mummy unhappy, baby fine) but i think it has an impact long term maybe...

Take carexx

[cheshire]

Just to clarify Joanne - I'm going to hang on to my job despite the guilt gene!! xx