Dear J
First of all - like everyone I think you are amazing to cope with so many children so soon after having a baby.
Do you have any help at all?
Even if he does not understand what you are feeling, does your husband not help at least with the practical stuff - after all you re still in a very vulnerable time, and any woman this soon after a baby needs some practical help ( it used to be called the lying in period - a time when new mothers were expected to rest and do nothing at all beyond care for their new baby for at least a month and ofter longer, we think things have improved but we do not have time for this in the modern world!)
If he does not help with the housework, and the children and give you a break from the baby, then he has to start - don't let him get away with this, these are his children too - I guess he wanted them - and 4 is too much for anyone without considerable help!
Anyway even if you do not have any help - please still be kind to yourself, and do the minimum - the housework etc can wait till a better time when you are feeling more on top of things.
But I have to respond to your saying
' I am scared of going to the doctors as i don't want my children taken off me '
If we had a pound for every time we have heard a woman say this or similar on the forum - this forum would be a well funded charity!!!
So many women with PNI just do not seek the help they need because they are frightened they will lose their children.
And believe me this is just not going to happen!If you think about it why should it?
It does not matter what your thoughts are and how much you shout at your children at the moment unless you are consistently physically or otherwise abusing your children over time there is no one in the world who will want to take your children off you.
All you say is that you are constantly screaming at your children - well who of us with PNI have not screamed at someone?
we all wish we had not, but few under the stress of pNI have not done something they regret and wish they had not done - I only had one baby - and screamed mostly at my husband - but at the time I had her I had a 16 year old foster child ( not social services fostering but a private fostering arrangement between me and her mum) and I was very intolerant of her when I had PNI even though she actually would help me with my own baby.
I know you will think that this is not the same as this girl was older than your children- but I regretted my behavior as much as anyone.
No one on this forum has EVER had their children put into care unwillingly because they suffered PNI and this forum has been going some years now.
And this includes women who have had some very awful symptoms ( I had thoughts of killing my baby) other symptoms include, horrible thoughts, bazaar behavior, visions and hallucinations, some due to not coping with PNI have lost it and shouted and screamed at their children constantly and even punished them too hard physically and some have has psychotic symptoms which at times have been very worrying to their families and have had to be hospitalized - but no one has come along and put their children into care
( except at their request as a temporary fostering placement to give them a rest or so they could go int hospital) .
Most of the support and advise I have to offer on here is my opinion only but on this subject it is not just opinion -
I know you are in no danger of having your children taken into care because child protection training was part of my job as a professional youth worker for over 20 years and I am currently a Home Start visitor :
www.home-start.org.uk so have recently had some more training on this
and until I retired due to a severe accident I worked professionally for many years with young families who's children were on the 'at risk' register, which means that their was strong evidence that they had abused or harmed their children or that they could potentially do so.
Take it from me, the only reason children get taken into care these days unwillingly ( of course parents do opt for voluntary fostering sometimes ie if they are single parents and are ill - some on this site have been hospitalized for PNI and have asked for temporary fostering and even when you request it this is hard to get as their are so few foster parents these days and virtually no children's homes ....
So please believe me there is no risk whatsoever that if you go to your GP because you think you have PNI, of having your children taken away from you!!!!It is more likely that you would not get enough help and intervention than this would happen - women with PNI more often complain that too little happens when they seek help rather than too much!Even if because of your mental health your behavior toward your children was abusive - the response would be to work with you over it for as long as it took, as it is obvious from what you have said here that you are a caring mum under great stress - not an abuser, I doubt that this would be necessary.
I am sorry to go on so much about this
But when I had PNI 16 years ago I too lived in fear it would lead me to lose the only daughter I was ever likely to have and I therefore did not get the help I so badly needed.
I am not saying that what a GP can offer you is the right treatment for everyone ie they usually offer Anti D's and other medication and sometimes Cognitive Behavior Therapy
But I very much urge you to go to your doctor and tell your Health Visitor.
Because if you are lucky and you have a sympathetic GP and HV, you can be offered much in terms of support and it is best that your family GP at least knows that you are suffering this - but at the very worse and your GP is not helpful, the outcome will be not enough is done rather than too much
But at least then you have told your GP and it is in your medical notes so you then have a good basis to push for the help you need.
Actually Also this might be of interest to you
I know about a lovely women who had PNI herself and she often runs a PNI group at the Salford Womens Center
is this anywhere near to you? or anywhere you can get to?
If so I have her telephone number so if you email me on:
veritee@pni.org.uk I will let you have it.
She has backing from various places - I think also the NHS just as this site gets a grant from them - but the group is completely independent so it could be a good starting place.but do go to your GP first.
But even if you do not feel up to that yet or contacting the group
please come on here for support - you are very welcome and we would live to have you join us
Al the best for now
Veritee