I feel like I cant nbreath

[Jen]

I am so nervous my heart is racing …I feel like I cant nbreath….there is nothing wrong here though..both the kids are asleep. I know I should sleep while bailey is asleep but I cant, I feel like if I close m eyes it will make him wake up.
Sometimes I look at him and he is sweet and cute and round …everyone says he is really beautiful..sometimes he looks so ugly to me…like he is giving me dirty looks.when I think about it later I feel so guilty I want to vomit
Its like he hates me for feeling this way about him
I get so angry I could scream I wish I had long nails so I could dig them into my palms. I keep thinking about pulling out my teeth… I remember what it was like when I was little and I lost teeth ,smooth bloody gums, twisting the teeth until they came out, feeling the sharp bits underneath attached by little threads,, I can vividly imagine what it would be like to just push and push on a tooth uhtil it came loose and then start twisting…..sometime I go into the bathroom and look at my teeth and touch them like im daring myself to do it.
when I first held bailey in hospital I looked at him and the forst thing I thought was I just want to sleep please take him away.when Julie gave bailey his first bottle in hospital I watched her and felt nothing..i thought it was just because I was tired..i thought I was a horrible person before he was born, I kept diaries during my pregnancy with jaxon..with bailey I just couldn’t be bothered, I was interested in his movements and how he was growing, I thought it was just harder for me to fall in love with him because I was so busy with jaxon. I felt guilty already because he wouldn’t have them to read when he grows up and jaxon will. Then we got sick and mum looked after him and he did so well, he doesn’t need me, I cant do it properly, mum gave him what he needed and I cant match that he is not secuer with me. He feels tense and stiff.
I feel like I am giving him nothing and doing everything wrong, its my fault he cries all the time..he stops when someone else holds him I shouldn’t ffel like this, my home and my life are great I love john so much and jaxon is so clever and sweet I have two beautiful sons and a precious daughter but I feel so scared and lonely. I don’t want to tell john how I feel , im so scared he will get sick of hearing it and leave me, he is being so wonderful and supportive but im scared that he will stop and I will be alone. Sometimes when baileyu cries and cries I want to run out the door and not come baqck….i hold him and I cry and he cries and then the panic goes and I feel terrible, I tell him that im sorry he was given such a bad mother, im scaredd tha he is going to grow up with emotional problems because I am so horrible to him.
Most of the time I am ok with jaxon but sometimes I don’t want him either,
I just want to be alone with john and have him hold me and cry my eyes out, I want to be taken care of, I feel so stupid.
I just cant stop the tears from flowing, I feel sick writing this but I feel like ill vomit if I don’t get it out. I should be able to do this peoplel will think im just complaing because bailey is a demanding baby, but its not that, I am doing everything, im not getting everyome to do things for me, I can do it……I just hate myself beause I don’t want to be doing it…..i don’t want to hold him…..i should think its sweet when bailey squirms up against my cheek, and sometimes I do, warm and soft and cute, but sometimes it feels like he is pushing me and I clench my teeth together and plaster a smile on my face. If I try really hard I can act like I feel good, I can make my laugh sound real and soften my voice when I speak to the kids… I say the things I think people expect me to say aboutthem. Sometimes I stand in the kitchen leaning over the stiove with the exhaust fan on so I cant hear bailey cry nothing io am doing is like me I don’t know who I am or what ill do, I don’t trust myself
im scared that he will choke and die when he screams ,
maybe he is constipated because I made his formula wrong , could that hurt his digestive system? I don’t know what im doing I cant make a decision about him without asking someone if its ok..i cant even choose his clothes without asking john if hes warm enough, I think that if I choose I will be wrong and hell get sick.
I feel so sick, like the feeling you get when you’ve been caught doing something wrong and are waiting to find out what the consequences wioll be, like being called to the principals office…nervous and sick and scared shakinmg.
That’s what its like, like im doing the worst thing possible and ive been caught ….i feel scared and guilty and ashamed
I cant stop thinking about all the stupid things I have done, I forgot to give jaxon dinner two nights ago..how couild I do that?
It just keeps getting later and I cant make myself go to bed, I don’t want to lie there grinding my teeth.
I really want to see another doctor or midwife or anyone to find out what I should do about this, I know its not right, to feel this way, but I don’t want to tell anyone how out of control I feel, im supposed to be the strong one, im supposed to be emotionally strong, im so physically pathetic that its all ive got. I told one doctor and he didn’t care what would I do if anothert one is like hat. But I doont know what to say, I don’t want to to just blurt out I think I have post natal depression I don’t awant them to think I jsu want attention
im so cold
im trying so hard to push it away but it wont go
how can I be such a bad parent knowing how bad it feels.i don’t want my children to hate me.
Why cant I say these things out loud, why cnt I let myself get help, I cant think straight I need someone to tell me that im ok

[Angela]

Hi there

I'm Angela, It's been a while since I posted here, I went through alot of what you are now, have you been to the doctors? I never wanted to and tried ignoring the way I felt for a long time and I got worse so If you can try go sooner than later, not to try lecture you but I do know how you feel so the sooner you get help for yourself you can feel better about your baby.

You say about pulling teeth, I used to want to put my screaming baby down ands run through the glass doors in my house for some releif, I hid it from my husband at the time and themn gave him a life of misery because he didn't understand.
Nearly to years on I feel great but it took a long course on a/d and a informal chat every Monday with a phschiatric nurse ti helkp me out, wich thank God it did or my marriage would be over and my relastionship with my daughter non existint.
You are ok you just need a little help and you'll be fine I promise, try speak to your husband I had the same fears as you that he'd leave but they can amaze you dumb men, lol.
he can help you get through this, better two than one.

[Jane]

I know how you feel. My son is ten months old, and I have only just admitted to my husband that i am not coping at all. I have felt so lonely and useless i cant face doing anything. I get to the point where i don't want to be around my son James, i don't want to pick him up, i don't want to feed him, i don't want to change his nappy again, I feel so bad about this and then i feel guilty because this is not how a mother should feel, i refused to admit that there was a problem, everyone thinks that i am coping very well and that i am really good, but its all a front and i just couldn't keep it up anymore, i had to tell my husband, who I must say is incredible and so supportive. I get sick of being on my own, sick of being tired and sick of not being able to get out. I feel so trapped and i know that there is nothing i can do to change that. I would never hurt my son but sometimes i wish he would just go away which has got to be the worst feeling in the world, then i get that sick feeling because i actually dont want him to go away and i do love him, he smiles and that makes it worst because how could i think that, its not natural, how terribly bad must i be to be thinking this. I would never hurt myself either but god it has crossed my mind, but i never would, i think i'll just go, i will pack a few things and get out start again away from everything and everyone but i would never do that, because no matter how bad it gets i love my family and always will. So anyway like i say i have finally admitted to my husband that this is a problem and we will work it out together. I have decided i dont want to see a doctor but I will see if there is any alternative that i can do or take or what ever. But i am writing this to let you know you are not alone, i am sure that we are not the only people to feel this way and we can get help. Depression is real, and it is not nice, so please like me get help I am sure it will get better.

[Clarissa]

It's been a long journey for me and it took a long time to accept that I was experiencing Post Natal Depression. I experienced intense guilt and confusion and shame about the way I felt, thought and behaved. I have three daughters the youngest two Ila and Zak. are 2 and a half and almost 15 months. I think for me the worst part of it all was the lack of information and support. My partner left when Zak was 3 weeks old the first time. by the time she was 3 and a half months I was hospitalized and he came and took all his stuff while I was still in hospital and he moved out completely. I had adrenal exhaustion at the time but all the doctors would say is that I had to have medication for P.N. D. but I was so paranoid by then I refused. I was experiencing constant anxiety and felt like I was about to die. There was along time when I was suicidal and afraid I would hurt my baby. I felt so incredibly isolated and tried to hide my true thoughts and feelings. I am now living with my parents and I see a counsellor once a week and I am gradually healing. I am starting to realize how common P.N.D. actually is and that there are so many women who feel so alone and afraid and I think the more understanding and help and information available there is more chance of healing not only the illness but all the judgement that surrounds it.

[Cath]

When I read what you wrote Jen, I saw myself over a year ago. I was the same frantic,exhausted, confused, forgetful person in an absolutely daunting and terrifying state. Worried about every little thing, expecting alsorts of terrible things to happen if I didnt do everything exactly right, feeling tremendous anxiety,thinking and fearing the worst thoughts that made me physically sick and left exhausted, foggy and blurred. I imagined alLsorts of horrible things about myself and my children and our future and felt I was being forced into hopelessness. NOT SO THOUGH!!!I thought I would stay like that forever and had to tell myself over and over again that I would get better. I have now calmed right down and I am just coming right out of it. You must go to the doctor and try antidepressants as they work and are are necessary for you nervous system to calm down. You are suffering pnd and you are going to recover fully be sure of that.

[hannah457]

i know how you feel i suffer from panic attacks.
they make my heart race, makes me sweaty and i cant catch my breath and it makes me feel as if I'm gonna die.
there is medication for this if you want to take it.
i find when i feel like this i sit down with my head between my legs and breath in and out slowly.
it help to calm me and it gets my breathing back to normal.

[cheshire]

Hi Jen

I know you posted this 3 years ago now, but like the others, I can identify with what you say in so many waysxxx

I too was equally bad at first, even if the child was asleep or in Nursery. No respite - no relaxation either way ?

And yes, I too felt the crying was all my fault too..

This thread caught my eye just now, as the breathing was one of the first things to bother me alot- and then the rest came later. Like Hannah, I had to seriously work on the breathing - hated it, but it slowly gets better ..

Jen, if you ever come on here, plse. let us know how you're going on

Hopefulx