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Post by francoise on Jan 31, 2005 23:47:49 GMT
i wanted to see how other women deal with the ups and then the downs , one minute im laughing and the next im crying and makng the house all dark and closing the windows and turning the phone off , i feel like i should be locked up sometimes and they have accidently missed something about me thats really nutty,i keep havijng phobias too like my newest one is the baby ,im sure hes getting smaller but i have had him weighed amd hes putting on weight,its so wierd coz i actually can see him getting smaller sometimes , it sounds nuts eh , well i have loads of these wierd thoughts and obssessions and thats why i dont tell people ,i know it aint right but there it is love francoise
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Carmen
Senior Member
2 boys - 5 and 23 months - recovered(but still on AD's)
Posts: 484
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Post by Carmen on Feb 1, 2005 5:21:14 GMT
Hi Fran I think we all have these kind of weird thoughts. And I hope this helps you to realise youre not alone - I've been having a few headaches lately which I'm sure is from watching too much tennis lately and being on here. Anyway....... last night I was lying in bed thinking that my eyes were going to keep getting worse and that I would need to wear glasses all the time soon. Then I started thinking about contact lenses and I thought - no I couldnt put them in as I cant stand anything near my eyes - so then I thought about having that laser operation that repairs your eyes. But I know a girl who had it done and now her eyes look blood shot all the time (hope I dont offend anyone) and she always looks stoned. I dont know whether her eyes were like that before but you just didnt notice because of the glasses but I was thinking - no I dont want to walk around looking stoned all the time - so then I started panicking about what I would do and started thinking about being blind. I couldnt get rid of all these thoughts until I suddenly started thinking about how I am going to tell all you girls about it and then I just started smiling to myself (I didnt laugh as i would have woken up hubby) and thinking how rediculous I was being.
But I do think that once you start having bad moments instead of bad days or weeks you are truley getting better and on the road to recovery. If I think back a few months I remember bad days, weeks and even months. Now I seem to have bad moments like you have explained. I'll be happy and smiley and dancing around the house one minute and the next I'm upset or angry at something but unsure what. I just get this overwhelmed feeling like everything is working against me and the smallest job seems impossible to start, let alone finnish. Its easier to cope with this when my hubby is home because he can read me well and now usually gets the kids away from me. Its a lot harder when I'm alone with the kids and getting a glass of water for them feels like theyre asking me to make them a 3 course meal! I honestly just try to stay away from them as much as possible when i'm like this and wallow by myself.
I hope this dribble has helped you to realise you are not alone with this. Take Care Love Carmen
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Post by wendabell on Feb 1, 2005 5:37:45 GMT
gosh carmen yes i too feel like when the kids ask me to get them a drink of squash its like the end of the world.And yes i too know that im heaps better as i dont sit there staring at the wall all day like i used to ,now i have good and bad days but as yet i cannot control the bad days and they take over and ruin it for everyoont else around me too.my anger is caught by my hubby and my kids and they then reflect my feelings right back at me.Hence i suppose always struggling with my kids ayt meals which is my most hated time of the day. I tried to take myself away fran when im feeling bad but you can always do that when you have lil uns.their safety is always paramount so dont do that for long . I guess the downs just take over and swallow me up for the time that its around and i still have no idea what exactly triggers me off into one?
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Post by Mum2Jack on Feb 1, 2005 8:38:13 GMT
Hi
These thoughts are prevalent for me too. Last nights dream was (and I am smiling about it now)...
My OH and I were in France but both got struck down with incontrollable diahorrea so I was walking round trying to find toilets, and eventually I found one but when I sat on it the ceiling started closing in on me and the walls turned to glass so everyone could see me sat there!! Then I went to find another toilet and suddenly realised I didnt have Jack with me but i could hear him screaming and was walking into all these rooms in a french shopping arcade to find him, but lots of babies all had like the same clothes as Jack on but they werent Jack, so it was like looking for a needle in a haystack. I found him eventually but he had the same bug as me, so he wasnt well and I felt terrible for having left him.
Its the one day I thanked my lucky stars for the alarm clock!!
My GP said it was the meds causing the dreams and thoughts. Its so difficult to put into words how they meake you feel isnt it. Its not just a dark feeling it makes you scared and not in control which panics me half the time. You certainly arent alone on this one.
Going to make a brew and think of something else!!
Jiggles
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Post by Veritee on Feb 1, 2005 10:11:20 GMT
Hi Everyone
While I am told you can have much more vivid dreams on some Anti Ds - I do not think that these thoughts and dreams are caused entirely by any medication.
I had them too, and I never took any medication at all
Actually Jiggles I have a fear of vomiting and to a lesser degree having diahorrea when away from home which got much worse when I had PNI. My biggest fear is to want to vomit or have diahorrea when I am not near enough to get to a toilet. And the thought of Caja vomiting etc when away from home and especially with no nearby toilet is as bad - if not worse.
So that dream you described was one I had often when I had PNI and this was in both in the form of fearful dreams and as obsessive thoughts when awake.
In fact throughout my PNI I went round with a permanent feeling of doom.
It was a feeling that I can only describe that it felt all the time that any moment the worse possible thing that could possibly happen to either Caja or myself was only seconds away from happening. This feeling was all the time but was worse at night when my mind would start building up scenarios of what this awful thing was that was about to happen based on any little thing.
If there was a storm in the night it was the end of the world as we know it from global warming
Yes even 15 years ago when people did not generally think that global warming was a big threat this was one of my biggest external fears - and in fact it is one of the indicators for me that I am now well. Now I am like many people ie very worried about the possibility that global warming has got out of control and could dangerously affect the environment, especially the one my daughter will be an adult in.
But now I do not have obsessive thoughts ore feel despair over this. I am as proactive as I can be with such a big issue, try my best in my own way to help the environment, recycle etc and vote for those who may share my concern, but while it may be a reality I do not dwell on it from day to day
I was working at the time when PNI was at its worse and rarely slept most of the night as I would be kept awake by every scenario that may stop me getting. My animals cared for ( I was running a smallholding at the time with goats, horses, chicken, ducks which all had to be done before I left for work) Caja to her child care and me to work, - the things I thought of ranged from illness, car crashes end of the world, whatever! Consequently I was often late because I was just so tired.
And I can not tell you the number of different illnesses I thought I was dieing off when I had PNI.
These types of thoughts were in addition to thoughts of harming or killing Caja, which I had frequently for over a year
I too used to try to keep away from Caja when at my worse and my husband, when home, did get to know when it was down to him to look after and entertain her. Other wise I would try either to go out to friends with her or let her watch a video or TV or even take her out on her Pony.
I think that the most helpful thing with this aspect of PNI is to be able to tell other people about these thoughts and dreams, and especially to share your fears with others with PNI or who have recovered - even in detail.
They may not go away if you do this - but you can see them for what they are, a horrible symptom of PNI and get them into some sort of proportion.
Well that’s what helped for me anyway - there was no internet then so I used to tell my APNI phone counsellor - she had suffered from this too..
Perhaps we can use this thread to describe our most bizarre and worse thoughts and dreams?
all the best
Veritee
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Post by francoise on Feb 1, 2005 11:47:02 GMT
my thoughts are that im going completely insane and im going to end up in the loony bin and never get out and have long flowing grey hair and all wrinkled up and bent over with dribble coming down my chin shouting at everyone and not recongnising my own kids or grandchildren by then.........or that ill be dead in a couple of weeks from some lung disease..............and another is that im the only one that never recovers and will be saying forever , how longs it take,,after all how can we keep wishing our lives away wanting the months to pas quickly so that we are nearer the recovery , waht if it takes years and then we lose all that time , there must be a way of being happy suffering from pni , i think some of ther girls showed me how that is possible , i never laughed so much in so long , it was so good for me , i was feeling stronger and stronger all the time , to be faced with a way of doing things when i feel so crap and my head isnt working properly, hows it done girls , how can we not just let things flow when we type , im pretty annoyed that im a different person than before , thats what is bugging me the most , im so angry about that , i remember doing a post saying the positive stuff , well i cant think of any now.i wish it was me in the debates before , i wouldnt care if any strangers hated me and had a go at me , i would just say the obvious thing to them , i wouldnt be bothered atall tho , different with the girls , i care about them , i have had a couple of little disagreements but they were my fault and i have apologised and it seems to have gone now, im sure people are wondering what im going on about ,im just so messed up im not sure why though , its not the fags or it could be maybe ,the strain of not having a fag in pni which i havent experienced before , maybe im just self obssessed which is actually a good point as i could be eh, yeah maybe im so self absorbed in my own needs that ijm turning into a nutcase, i think thats what it is , i should forget about myself and be a good mum and think about what the kids need now and see to them , try not to use my head very much might be a wise move
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Post by francoise on Feb 1, 2005 11:57:26 GMT
yeah thats right , that happens loads , everything goes wierd , sounds and distances and colours and everything around,,,it happens alot eh , dont know why though do you
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Post by francoise on Feb 1, 2005 12:00:52 GMT
sorry i completley missed ure first post on here , mustr of been writing mine at the same time , im sorry ure down hun to , it stinks eh and im sorry i cant talk at the moment , i get like that , i dont speak for days sometimes , it pisses everyone off here but im just like that
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Post by annag on Feb 1, 2005 12:09:38 GMT
I've had that shrinking to like I am getting smaller and smaller and the world is getting bigger dont know why though. Have said I feel like I live in a hazy world of perspex before but shut up with that one as sounded mad but I do feel like that. I have this idea that we have all had the water poisioned my terroists sent us all mad. I can see the madness in everyone even my GP my family everyone. Also quite fixated with armagedon at the moment with recent events. See Fran, Jennie quite sane really.
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Post by Veritee on Feb 1, 2005 12:13:46 GMT
Hi jennie and everyone.
I would have answered your posts yesterday jennie if I'd seem them. I certainly care about how you are and how you are feeling and was wondering when I went on the forum last night if you had deleted stuff as I could not find some posts I thought you had done before. - so I wondered if you were alright. What city do you live in – I am not much good at remembering where people are? And what is wrong with it?
It was just I was not able to go on the forum much at all yesterday as Barry had to catch a plane to Venezvalia ( cant spell it ) to join his ship for the next 8 weeks or so.
But while I was not looking at it I forgot and left the forum on my web browser - something I often do - and you may have thought I was their but not responding - sorry.
As well as being quite sad when he goes I get disorientated as it is quite hard to ajust to having someone around 24/7 and then in the space of a few hours them packing and f going away totally for over 2 months.
So for a few days around him going (and coming home) I just can nto function properly.
But this does not mean I do not care about you and what is going on here and for individuals.
I also like Fran thought I would be locked up in a bin and I would never recover for PNI (and as some of you know having been in old fashioned asylum in the early 70s this was a prospect that scared the sh*** out of me )
I think many of us think we will be the exception that proves the rule - that we will be the one who does not recover from PNI.
Although I had that 'debate' with Catherine because I can not find it possible to say on here that after PNI you can not be left with some effects from it
- I really do think that we all do recover. And you will certainly recover Fran.
Your baby is still very young, you did not get PNI with your others and you are in your late 30s with no previous serious mental health issues - so wouldn't you recover? Even Cara (who wrote the book) did recover even though she later developed Bi Polar, but she would be the first to say she did recover, when I knew her and she wrote her book she was fine.
I guess this will have to be seen as coincidence - my best friend has bi polar and she has never had PNI.
It does take time for some though and sometimes ( well I found this) you have to go to the pits before you can start climbing back up.
I would not underestimate the affect giving up the fags will have as well. I gave them up about 1999 when I was fully well and before my current disability - but it knocked me for 6.
I am afraid I did the stupid thing of drinking more instead of having a fag at night I would have a glass of wine and my biggest problem is I am now perpetually fighting with myself not to drink too much. And I know if I started smoking I would stop drinking almost completely!! - One for me has always been a substitute for the other - so I can't win.
So lots and lots of good luck with this and I hope you do not find a substitute like I did that has its own issues
All the best
Veritee
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Post by francoise on Feb 1, 2005 12:14:48 GMT
i just lay on the landing crying saying i cant cope , i rang my h.v up but she aint there today , shes away for a few days , got no visit this week
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Post by annag on Feb 1, 2005 12:22:11 GMT
Fran what about your nurse have you got a number for her/ Can your husband come home for a bit or your mum pop down.
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Post by francoise on Feb 1, 2005 12:35:10 GMT
im not going to ikll myself , suicide aint my thing , mind u if i wanted to die then i may not worry bout other things killing me eh. i thougth nhs direct was going to send the brigade with the new style white jackets
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Post by francoise on Feb 1, 2005 12:37:48 GMT
thats just it tho jennie , his skin aint so good right now , its abit dry and hes got a dirty babygro on from his breakfast meal,jennie there is nothing here but misery today , u can feel it so much here,im horrible to them when im down , i dont talk , i just nod my head , im so wierd
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Post by francoise on Feb 1, 2005 12:43:03 GMT
hes just woke up and given me the biggest smile ever , aw bless him .ill do some pics of him again and put them up shall i tonight girls , might do some of me to , no make up , hair a mess , the real me , no posing , im going to change his clothes a sec , cant stand him in dirty clothes
wot happens when i get to a thousand posts will i blow up
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