Anxiety_re: Caring for baby

[smiley]

Hiya

I think I posted about this before but I cant find the thread! Anyway, I still feel very anxious when other people care for my baby (esp and in particular) my in laws side of the family. I feel very uncomfortable when they show an interest in my baby and resentful towards them. For example, if they ask about him, want to see him or try to speak on the phone to him I get in abit of a state or mood. My inlaws are retiring soon and hence we will be seeing more of them so I really want to get to the bottom of these feelings. I dont let them change his nappy or feed him and I am quite possessive with him while they are around. I would never leave him with them.

I know that I dont get on with them that much so this maybe fuelling some of the feelings but I am fine with certain others caring for my baby. Although I feel abit anxious when others look after him it is manageable. I try not to think in such a negative way but cant help it. I know pni is making these feelings more intense but maybe I would have felt like this anyway even if I didnt have pni. My inlaws try to be very hand-on with the baby and it gets on my nerves whereas my family take my lead which feels more natural and normal! Am I feeling like this because I am judging them as being wrong in their approach and therefore resenting it? Sometimes, I feel very evil as they are his grandparents and I want them to be close but there is a side of me that is too insecure to let that happen. I feel as if they are trying to take him from me. I am not a bad person so why do I have bad thoughts?

I dont know why these feelings are happening and I have discussed this with my therapist too and we are working on this issue together on it. Yes, certainly these feelings have lessened in intensity over the last few months but they are still there. I dont want to spend the rest of my life being on my guard when they are around.

Any thoughts or ideas will be appreciated!

Smiley

xx

[Scarlet]

Hi Smiley,

I remember you saying something about your hubbys family in the past.

Could it be that you find your inlaws controlling and aggressive in their approach, or perhaps interferring, or is it a clash of personalities hun.

Maybe it's worrying you that they will be retiring soon and may be down at your place a lot more than you would like. What does your hubby say, is he aware of your feelings for them?

I agree in that it could be the PNI exaccerbating the problem, and perhaps your insecurity has stemmed from this, but I think that even if you didn't have PNI, you may have felt a little this way, as we are changed forever once we become a mum, and suddenly we are bombarded with well-meaning grandparents who visit us a lot more , and don't allow us breathing space.

It could also be that having too much time on your hands at the moment is making you dwell on you relationship with them. I think that once you are working and become independent again, they will be less of a focus and when your LO is a wee bit bigger, it won't bother you so much.

Hugs

Scarlet
X

[smiley]

Thanks Scarlett

I think what you have said is right, I would probably have felt like this but with less intensity anyway even without pni. But then it would have been manageable and I wouldnt dwell on it or dread it so much. I have many friends who have commented on their in laws getting on their nerves. I just wish I could be so easy going about it instead of feeling so bad about it all.

Yes, my relationship with them is poor and over the years both sides have tried to make it work but it just doesnt seem to happen. It is definately related to personality clashes and coming from a very different family. I find that they try to be too close-knit when I prefer to keep my distance as thats what I am used and am comfortable with.

Yes, hubby knows that I dont get on with them but does not know about my feelings re: baby. If he suspects then he hasnt said anything. I try to keep it civil with them but sometimes even dont manage that.

I will just have to keep hoping that these feelings change in time and yes maybe work will help by giving me a different focus.

Thanks again!

Smiley

[Scarlet]

Hi Smiley,

I agree with you, in that if you hadn't have had PNI, it would have been manageable and prolly you would have been more assertive with your 'outlaws' and laid some ground-rules, which it is hard to do when you are feeling vulnerable, insecure and needy. But now you are on the mend, you can most certainly do that if you feel confident enough.

My hubbys from a VERY different family to me as well (close knot as well), but I was lucky in the sense that his family live thousands of miles away, so I didn't see them on a regular basis. I think if they had been around a lot, there would have been friction as well, but as it was I didn't have regular contact and this resulted in a better relationship with them. Sadly my MIL passed away last year and I actually really miss her.

Could it be perhaps because your baby is still small and you don't want to share him, and you resent their interference. Maybe you are a bit afraid (unconsciously) he might make a bond with them, which might cause resentment (I think I would feel like this). Whatever it is hun, you will get your strength and confidence back fully, and when you do, you'll be less anxious about them, also you will notice a huge difference when your LO is a wee bit older.

PNI does strange things to us and a lot of our emotions are exaggerated, but things settle down after a while, and you are recovering nicely ~ have no fear about that.

Do you want to build a relationship with them and be on amicable terms, or do you just want to keep them at arms length for a while, and would this be possible?


Scarlet
X

[smiley]

Hi Scarlet

Yes I definately dont want to share my baby especially with them! Is that a bad thing? Is it wrong to feel like this? I feel bad for not letting them feed him, bath him etc

When he was first born I had this intense desire to care and look after him myself. I think I was trying to prove myself as a mother and getting used to my new identity. This caused huge clashes with MIL who was trying to prove herself as a grandmother! Needless to say we fell out and ended up not talking to each other. She had helped her daughter with her children for 3 months when they were born and literally raised them for them 3 months while her daughter took a back seat and she thought she could do the same with me!

Anyway, this need to care for my baby still continues and I think because of PNI I am still trying to prove myself. I was shocked when my husband said to me (when LO was first born) that we all want to care for him ie his mother and all three sisters! I was outraged because I thought THAT IS MY JOB! On one occasion my FIL followed me into the nursery when I was changing LO's nappy and I was fuming! On another hubby's sister said to me I wouldnt mind changing his nappy I love babies bums. I just think this is interfering!I feel so p***ed off when they openly discuss LO's bowel movements!! That is why I just get defensive if they ask about him.

Over the festive period MIL said twice that she hopes that LO has a sibling this year. She even went on to say she had discussed us with someone and said we were worried that 2 kids would be hardwork and that this person assured her that they wouldnt! I cant believe the cheek!

I think I would prefer to keep them at arms length but I feel bad for wanting that too..

Smiley

[Scarlet]

Hiya Smiley,

Yes I definately dont want to share my baby especially with them! Is that a bad thing? Is it wrong to feel like this? I feel bad for not letting them feed him, bath him etc

Yes I can understand why you feel like this hun, and no it is not a bad thing, it sounds like you feel a bit of pressure and are resisiting and the PNI is making you resist even more than you would normally, but I can totally understand that you don't want them taking over.

When he was first born I had this intense desire to care and look after him myself. I think I was trying to prove myself as a mother and getting used to my new identity. This caused huge clashes with MIL who was trying to prove herself as a grandmother! Needless to say we fell out and ended up not talking to each other. She had helped her daughter with her children for 3 months when they were born and literally raised them for them 3 months while her daughter took a back seat and she thought she could do the same with me!

My hubbys family are exactly the same, they can be 'VERY' interfering, but as I said I live far away from them, but I am very strong willed anyway, and if I don't want them to do something I generally say it, albeit in a subtle way. Mind you my MIL was too old and ill to be that interfering with our kids, it's generally been his sisters. My family are totally the opposite.

I was shocked when my husband said to me (when LO was first born) that we all want to care for him ie his mother and all three sisters! I was outraged because I thought THAT IS MY JOB! On one occasion my FIL followed me into the nursery when I was changing LO's nappy and I was fuming! On another hubby's sister said to me I wouldnt mind changing his nappy I love babies bums. I just think this is interfering!I feel so p***ed off when they openly discuss LO's bowel movements!! That is why I just get defensive if they ask about him.

Sounds like you married into hubbys family as well. Yep I can understand why you are so defensive and I would most probably be the same as I'm quite independent (and stubborn ) and like to do things on my own. Mind you part of me would really like the help, as I have brought my kids up alone with no family around at all, and I sometimes wish we lived closer to them, so they could babysit once in a while.

Could you get hubby to speak to them and ask them to back off, and give you space, and if you want help then you will ask for it, but at the moment you want to do everything yourself.

Oooooo it's a difficult one isn't it hun. Do they know about your PNI?

Hugs

Scarlet
X

[gizmoracer]

Hi Smiley

I just wanted to say I understand excatly where you are coming from with this one and know of a lot of women who feel the same even without PNI. Personally I think it proves you have very strong maternal instincts. LO is after all yours and therefore ultimatly your responcibility and all you are trying to do is protect him.

Its a very hard situation to be in when you and OH have come from different backgrounds and lets face it how many people really get on with their in-laws? Does OH understand about your PNI? if so then I think bringing up this subject is probably the best thing you could do with him, tell him its all part of your illness (whether it is or not) and ask for his understanding and support.

My in-laws are not close knit at all infact quite the opposite but very controlling and it has taken time for me to accept help from them. I couldn't bear them holding my son or anything like that when he was small, they are a fan of baby talk too which I hate with a vengance and that just made things even harder. However to cut along story short when LO was 4 mths old I suffererd a miscarrage and quite honestly couldn't stand to be anywhere near him I felt I had let him down, as we were living with my parents, my OH asked his mum to take LO and look afer him overnight as we thought I was goingto have to stay in hospital. At the time I hated him for telling them what was going on let alone passing LO over to them but it I was in no fit state of mind to argue and by the time he came back well cared for a nd quite happy I relized I had been making a huge fuss about nothing. Yes I still have issues with them, plenty infact but I have learnt to accept their help and it is invaluable when you are struggling with young children and PNI at the same time.

[smiley]

Hey girls

Thanks for your supporting comments thats really what I needed to hear I think the big problem is that I feel bad about feeling like this and feel that I am a bad person when other mothers (without pni) probably dont think this way and think its all to do with their motherly instinct. Pni makes you feel bad about everything and I am trying to beat it because its making me miserable. Maybe if I believed in my views and felt they were justified I wouldnt feel as bad. No they dont know about my pni and I would never ever tell them. I think they are gradually getting the message that I like to do things my way and are backing off. They now have a tendancy to ask rather than try doing it themselves.

Yes, I agree with you Scarlet that apart of me would like help as it is very very hard on your own but I feel my insecurity at them moment just wont let me accept or ask for help.

Gizmoracer - I think what you say is right I have very strong maternal instincts and had them right from the start. But I am scared that I am turning into this controlling possessive mother who resents her baby for having bonds with others. I do want them to be close but am scared he will reject me or something stupid like that. I just thought by the time I had a baby I would be grown up enough to put my differences behind me and let their relationship with the baby blossom but I havent and I suppose I feel guilty and ashamed. I am trying so hard but it doesnt seem to work. My resentments towards them is interfering in their relationship with their grandson.

Smiley

xx

[mum2leahnjosh]

I feel the same the only difference is I feel it about everyone including my partner and I get on better with the inlaws than I do with my own family. I use to trust MArks mum with Leah but now I cant bear the thought of anyone else having them over night.

I have a wedding to go to next weekend and I am dreading it because she is having both babies over night and I really wish my cousen would cancel it now. I dont want to say no to his mum as she has been on holiday for 2 weeks and really missed the kids and everyone keeps saying you should accept help where ever but its causoing more harm than good I think. I feel sick and I have had a few sleepless nights about next weekend.

I keep thinking its one night what could happen to them but alot could leah could fall and bang her head or be mauled to death by the dog (a pug that has never biten a sole in its life) or josh could be sick and choke. I hate this feeling it hoorinble. I wont be able to relax when there not there so I dont see a point in them going the whole point of them going is so I can relax and have a nice time and not have to worry about them.

does this sound crazy?

[winegirl]

Hi Kirsty

I was exactly the same hun (still am alot of the time). I couldnt even leave my LO with my parents for an hour for fear of something really awful happening. But I promise it does get better, and the more you do it, the easier it becomes.

Best of luck for the wedding, do let us know how it goes x

WG x