concerned at not being caring enough!

[deborah]

Hello everyone!
I'm reading through the pages on here and i am so warmed by the love and care which flows from each and everyone of you.Everyone who responds to this forum are genuine and kind. There is a real feeling of support and sympathy/empathy for everyone who is going through PNI/PTSD/emotional problems or issues following birth or to do with parenthood.
I e-mailed Veritee to tell her what a wonderful site this is and a reallifeline to all of us, past and present sufferers of PNI & PTSD (which i had).

As you all are aware i really want to see some real action occur for women, and a charity (you cant have too many charities i think for this subject)
which will hopefully train counsellors, educate GP's and make better services and awareness about PNI/PTSD in women and emotional issues surrounding birth and pregnancy ie miscarriage, IVF, etc etc.
I went on a Birth Crisis workshop last weekend which involved role play, experiences and there were many women there from all backgrounds who wanted to help women in distress.
One lady who was watching my role play of being on a helpline (we all had to take turns at each role)
said i was too ''professional in my attitude/the way i spoke which would put alot of women off calling you''

I was a bit taken a back by this as i write how i feel and what you see is what you get type of thing.
What i want to know is ,that despite the nice comments on here about my help which is very touching!!
I feel i don't want to appear a ''know all'' or too ''medical'' in my answers.
I'm not looking for praise or stroking -
i just hope i don't put off anyone with the way i reply or respond to you all.
My intention is to genuinely help and if i can do that by using my experiences of being ill, coupled with the research, reading, organisations i liase with and access to information, then i want to be able to help out the people on here. Its not for any other reason but to help, no hidden agenda-nothing like that at all.
Having a website like this is fantastic and i hope that with APNI (association for Postnatal illness) and what we are doing, there will be some more movement towards active help for mums like us. Everyone who offers their help is giving a different perspective to an issue and its wonderful to see it and read it.
I've always maintained that HV's should have a mum who currently has PNI or who has had it ,to sit in a clinic and we would spot the mums developing PNI a mile away!
I've gone on too much now but please keep up your good work and comments as it is beautiful to see eveyone caring and 'talking' to each other on this site.
Talking with each other is the best therapy of all.
I hope this never changes.
With lots of love and best wishes Deborah xxxx

[Lainey]

Hi Deborah

I totally agree with you about the wonderful people who respond to this site. I too am so touched by their kind words and genuine support to us all. When you think how much suffering PNI can cause us, it is amazing that all the women on this site are just so warm and caring even though the may feel dreadful.

[Lainey]

Oops pressed the wrong button, I will contine.

I think the main thing women with PNI want is reassurance and understanding from another sufferer/recovered sufferer. Before I found this brilliant site I used to scour the internet trying to find anything to ease my mind and reassure me I was not going insane. I did find a lot of sites but many of them frightened me even more. Veritee's website is almost like a 'coffee morning' where friends can chat and feel comfortable with the way they are feeling. You don't have to hide behind a constant smile and can let out all your frustrations and fears without the worry of being judged.

I do not think you come across as a 'know all' or too 'medical'. I read your recent reply to Alex and just reading her reply to your posting proved just how much it meant to her. You have great compassion and a genuine concern for everyone.

I think it is great that you are so committed to helping women with PNI and making more people aware of the terrible suffering that this illness causes.

Did the woman on your course suffer from PND? The reason I ask is that I really believe only women who have suffered this dreadful, wicked illness can truly understand and comfort fellow sufferers. How can someone who has never experienced the sheer hell of PNI really understand the complexities of it. I'm not saying that these people are not capable of providing support, of course they are, but to understand PNI I think you have to have endured it. Do you get what I mean.

I totally agree about HV's having a mum who has suffered and recovered PNI to sit in on clinics etc. I wish that had been the case with me as I was far too frightened to tell my HV how I felt! Yet I have told the girls on this site things I have never told anyone else because they understand and would never be shocked. I would love to be able to support new mums with PNI.

Keep up the great work Deborah - I know all the other girls will agree with me that you are very much appreciated.

Golly, I have written a lot, think I need a cup of tea!!

With love

Elaine
xx

[yorkslass]

Hi Deborah

I think you are a wounderful person and we need poeple like you to give us your help and advice, you have been where we all are right now we need to know that there is light at the end of our dark tunnels.

Please feel free to help me in anyway you feel is right for me.

Keep your chin up

Mel

[deborah]

Thank you. I totally agree with you all about having suffered this illness gives you insight into how it really feels.
I feel the same as you Lainey that i wouldn't tell my HV how i felt as i was too scared of anything happening to me or my baby.

I can honestly say when i wanted to start this group up and push for more realisation within the nursing.medical profession of just how awful this illness is i was told by friends, collegues and well meaning health professionals who i have worked with and been treated by that ''not everyone is as ill as you were''.
It did put a doubt in my mind as to whether i was doing the right thing or not. That was a year or so ago-14 months to be exact.
I did fret about it and i knew in my heart of hearts i was right. I took what my friends said on board but i also kept an open mind.

What i found was like me and Lainey, and lots of other women that none of us where telling the whole story to our HV's GP etc. Because i run the group etc as a ''by a mum who had PNI for mums with PNI/PTSD/emotional issues'' i got an amazing response. They all like me said they've never told anyone how they really felt.
I think its because of the lack of understanding by those who haven't had it and the shame we all feel (although we don't need to) for thinking and feeling this way.
Bless you- and thanks for the support. If i can help in any way plese let me know.love Deborah xx

[susie]

Hi Deborah,
I am fairly new to both PNI and this site but have read many of your postings. You always seem to be very genuine and your comments and advice are very helpful, also I think it is very true that many women are not totally honest with their GP and HV, keep up the good work and as Mel says you can help me anytime!
Susie

[carolgibbons]

Hi Deborah!
I've read many of your postings and the advice you offer is always sound and your concern genuine. I think women like yourself are much better at helping PNI sufferers because you have suffered in the same way and know from experience that although it is an uphill struggle we will all get better in the end. I'm having a good day today and feel I too can offer support to others suffering from PNI, however, on bad days I need support too and have found your advise invaluable!
Thanks, Carol X

[Daisy]

Hi Deborah - I've recently started looking at this site as I find just reading yours and other people's comments and experiences helps me keep going. I've been questioning how I feel since my second child was born last June, and like many women have denied the possibility of having PND, although both my mother and mother-in-law have suggested the possibility. I'm actually a professionally trained social worker (though haven't worked since I had my first child three years ago), so I really feel that by admitting I have a problem I'm really letting myself and my children down...but having come on here tonight/this morning I've finally made the decision to talk to my HV on Monday when my daughter has her 8mth checkup...as I'm having more and more anxiety attacks, am always feeling angry with myself, with my husband (last night I intentionally locked him out of the house because he came home after midnight, and sat in bed listening to him knocking until he eventually gave up and went and stayed in a nearby hotel), and with my eldest daughter, and then I'm full of remorse afterwards and usually cry myself to sleep, which I don't get much of...as i find it hard to sleep...anyway, I guess what I wanted to say at the very beginning of this outpour is thank you and please continue just as you have been. Perhaps you did come across as all too professional to that one particular woman at the course, but to many others you're just the kind of person they need. when I was working I used to always dress very business like and do a lot of research into things, and other social workers used to criticise me for not being more laidback and said that I would be off putting to 'clients', but without blowing my own trumpet, I was always the one clients asked for when they came back, and I would like to think part of the reason was it's because they could see that I took my job seriously. And I can see that you take your comments on this site seriously too by the way you back them up with 'facts' as well as 'talk'.

Anyway, thank you again...and here goes...hopefully the next step for me after Monday...

'Daisy'

[Caroline]

Hi Deborah,

I just wanted to say that your support does help me a lot. You don't come across as too professional at all to me, but just as knowing (because of having felt the hell) what you're talking about.
Be asssured and prepared that I will pester you with more questions as soon as I arrive in London because I want to continue going to counselling and/or a PND group in the UK and have not much idea about how the health system there functions.
I simply trust that you are the person to know.
I'm feeling terrible tonight so sorry if I don't sound too enthusiastic but it is meant enthusiastically.

Thanks for your shared knowledge and feelings,
XXX Caroline

[deborah]

Hiya caroline,
Thank you. You can ''pester me'' as often as you like!!

If i can help anyone then please do ask. I feel hopeful that some good has come out of something so bad as having PNI.
I can honestly say i've sen alot of life and i have lived!! Some good some bad i can honestly say the PNI is the worst problem i've ever had to go through. I know that what ever happens in my life i will never be so low as i felt when i had PNI. It has left me with a ''fire'' in my life-passion is not the right word really- but its left me with the desire to do something about this illness if i do nothing else. I really cannot believe in this day and age that women are going through this illness, alone and frightened with no real help and support from our society. Its almost ''medieval'' in the way PNI is perceived by the medical profession/hospitals/GP's etc etc.
I just feel if i can help please keep on the forum and i will do my best.
Love to you all
deborah xx

[Anne]

Hi Deborah

You have posted back to me on another thread and I just wanted to tell you that your support and advice and been fantastic. Knowing that you have a lot of experience and interest in PND and PTSD has given me a lift.

Please don't change the way you post - you are by no means too professional - you are just giving good factual advice which is what we all need plently of.

Tell all those folk on the course you went to to take a look at this thread - might make them eat their words!

Love Anne

[lesley]

carry on the good work the way you deliver the support and info is bob on.you give so much hope and comfort to alot of women. i to feel the need to support and help women who have pni . i live in the nw of england and i feel there was no local support groups for me to access. i had to find my own counseller which i pay for privately. i feel quite strongly that there should be more help out there for suffers. so keep doing what you are doing its great . love lesley

[rosie]

Deborah do not let anyone put you off! you are a wonderful warm and caring woman and have helped so many of us on this site - you are definately not too proffessional in your manner you are precise and too the point which we all feel invaluable.
Funnily enough i went to see a psychiatrist last week to discuss my illness and he said in his experience the majority of women suffering from pnd were all very intelligent, driven women who set themselves very high standards and tended to be perfectionists - maybe thats why we all relate to each other so well!
Thank you once again to your replies on my thread - frightening thoughts - it really helps knowing other women out there are feeling just the same - and also particually in your case you recovered!
Heres hoping for a full recovery for all of us in the very near future.
Rosie
Rosie

[deborah]

To lesley from the North West.
Thanks for your comments its nice to have this reassurance, its overwhelming actually!
I'm posting this too you as i can't see your 'subject' or i have and missed it!

You say you live in the nw, there is a really good (free) counsellor, a mum who had PNI and a horrific birth called Julie Wakerley. She runs a PNI support group
( a professionally led one with 'real' counselling in a 'trusing' and supportive atmosphere, plus one-to-one counselling)
at Salford Women's Centre, Halton Bank, Langworthy Road salford M6 7AB. Tel: [phone]. You can refer yourself. There is a creche, a cafe which is subsidised by Salford Council and access to advice about any subject not just PNI. It is a warm and friendly place, which is just what you need when you feel the way we all do with PNI.
Try and go along or speak with julie as she is very approachable. Let me know how you get on. Love deborah xx