Am I over-reacting?

[susanneb1984]

Ok, I need some honest opinions now! lol

Ok, so I met Mark in Feb 2002, and I fell pregnant in the March, Thea was born in Dec 02, and we were a happy family. Or at least I thought we were! We moved to Spain in June 2003, to make a new life, and in October 2003, Mark asked us to leave, he said he didn't love me anymore, so on 16th Oct 03, we left Spain!
Ok, I last had real contact with Mark Xmas day 2003, when we were planning to get back together, he told me what a mistake he'd made and I still loved him. That was the last time I spoke to him, I tried to contact him in Feb 04, and was told he'd gone travelling for 3 years! I was gutted!

Ok, so in May 2004, I found out he was living back in the UK, with his new fiance who was pregnant. I spoke to him briefly via MSN, and he told me Thea wasn't his and he wanted no contact.
In August 2004, I contacted the CSA, who started to gather information for the claim. He denied paternity, he refused to speak to CSA, he ignored the letters, he sent me nasty emails, and still I continued.
Ok, so in Dec, I got a letter saying I'd cancelled the claim on 31st Aug at 4pm, erm I was in labour with GJ then! lol So I called them and explained, and the case was reopened. 3 days after I'd called them, I got a letter saying Mark had been traced. He gave them consent to give me his address, and now I have a payment plan for the money he's paying towards Thea. I've had no contact with him, and don't know much about his life now!

It's just this all seems very strange to me, he's not denying her, he's not threatening me, he's just paying. I know I should be grateful with that, but something just doesn't feel right! How can someone go to such measures to deny a child, to then accept with no problems just a few months later!?

I still have some feelings for Mark (as I'm sure you can guess) although nothing close to how I feel for Alan, but wondered what you all thought? Am I reading too much into this? Should I expect contact with him now wanting to see Thea? I've got no problems with him seeing Thea, it's not my choice if he's part of her life, it's hers. It's not a decision I can make for her! I've got his address, but everyone has said to leave it, but I wanted to send some pics to him, what do you think??? Or am I just seeing what I want to see?

[cheshire]

Hi Susanne

Just me again

I don't know what to say....sorry if this is a silly question, but can the CSA throw any light on this for you?

Much love, HXXX

[alik]

My thoughts on this are:
- does Alan want to adopt Thea as his own daughter?
- has Mark asked specifically for contact?
- you do not 'owe' him contact just because he is (finally) paying. I think the CSA can pursue people into Court for non-payment - and he may just want to avoid being credit black-llisted.
- he knows where you both are. If he wanted to see his daughter, he would and nothing would stop him. But he hasn't wanted to.
- It sounds very much as he has made a new life and a completely fresh start and family with someone else, as you have.
- You cannot force him to have contact however beautiful your daughter may be to you; she is a stranger to him and an unwanted presence to his Fiancee.
- As your daughter gets older, you may want to tell her that Mark is her biological dad, not Alan. Alan may well get this information used against him later in teenage rants of 'you're not my real dad'. This would be very hurtful.
- If your daughter does get to meet Mark as an older child, she may very well experience rejection herself as it would be difficult for Mark to show gushing amounts of love for a child he himself chose to walk away from. Alternatively, he may feel very guilty and try very hard.

I think in your heart you know from the way he has treated you so far , what your daughter and yourself are likely to experience in the future. I would not send pictures. You may not want to draw a line under your history with him but I suspect you are moving into the future whilst still looking whistfully over your shoulder. You need to know one way or the other what to do. Ask Alan how he feels. Would he support you writing a quite business-like letter to Mark asking him to confirm his interest in seeing her or not? Does Alan see her as his daughter and would rather you left the past behind?

Do you ever dream about how things turn out?

[susanneb1984]

Hiya Alik,

Thank you for your reply. I think a lot of wanting Mark to be part of Thea's life is due to the fact that my mum stopped me seeing my dad for 17 years, and it hurt. I hated not having a dad no matter how good my step dad was, and I hated my mum for taking my dad away. I finally found my dad after 17 years of been apart, and now we have regular contact.
I always swore that my children would never be taken away from their dad, obviously if it was doing them harm, violence etc but without a good reason I wouldn't stop them.

Yes Alan wants to adopt Thea, but we want to wait until Thea is old enough to understand and she has an opinion, we don't feel it's a decision to be made for her. Alan's always known that Mark is her dad, and that if he got in touch I wouldn't stop him seeing her. So that's never been an issue to him, he knows how I feel.

Yes I dream about things, I have often dreamt about Mark seeing Thea and if it had been a perfect world, we'd still be together. I love Alan, with all my heart, but the way things ended between me n Mark makes it difficult for me to completely let go.

The CSA have asked for a DNA test, so hopefully that will clarify everything, and if Mark doens't want anything to do with her, I'm going to ask him to sign his parental rights over to me, so when the time comes for adoption, he doesn't need to be contacted. Thea knows she has two daddies, but that's as far as we've taken it, she's a bright girl, and often refers to Alan as her 'best daddy, the one who looks after her, and reads her stories' lol

[gail]

hi suzanne

this topic strikes a chord with me as a very similar situation happened to me -except i was the baby. my biological father didnt want anything to do with me and denied even knowing my mother(!). ,my mother then took him to court to try to prove paternity (this was before DNA testing had come to the fore) and subsequently found out he had a fiance who was also pregnant.

my mum must have gone through hell, and the humiliation of my father's actions. it turned out that she lost the case (i think that if the case was today he wouldnt have a leg to stand on). i oftne think how differnet things could have been. then she met my stepdad - who as far as im concerned is my real dad. he was a wonderful - permanent fixture in my life and still is now. i feel hes earned the right to be my daughters grandfather because he took me on and looked after me as his own.

i have never met my biological father and nor do i wish to. i dont think hes a very nice person. i knew from the start that something was a bit different with our family but it didnt really matter because i dont know any different. i do wonder what he looks like though apparently i look a bit like him around the mouth and i do know his name but thats it.

i think youre lucky as nowadays we have the facilities to prove these things and i sometimes fantasise about finding him taking him to court and getting him to pay my mum all the child maintanence he owes lol, but i know it would hurt my mum and my dad.

hes missed out on alot hes even got a 'grandchild' he doesnt even know about. ive always been a high achiever and hes missed out on all that too so at the end of the day if <Mark doesnt want anything to do with your daughter then its his loss and he will regret it one day but i think that now you have found a man who is willing to take on another mans daughter (and believe me there arent many who would do that) a rare gem - hold onto him!

thats my advice i hope i didnt get to personal

loads of love
gail
xxxxxxxxxx

[susanneb1984]

Thanks Gail,

I know I am so lucky to have found Alan, and have GJ! It's just so hard, I 'needed' my dad, and am so scared that she will feel rejected. I have to think of the worst, it's my way of coping, such as when I was having Thea, I convinced myself I'd lost her, and I thought my smear results would be bad, thinking the neurologist is going to tell me I need an op etc, it's my way of coping with the crap things that happen!

I really appreciate your advice and honesty.
Thank you
xxxxx