antidepressants

[collette]

Hi there everyone.
My name is Collette and am mum to my wee boy who is 5 months old.

I visited the doctor a few days ago to finally admit I needed anti depressants to help my symptoms. Before Christmas I was feeling very out of sorts, crying an awful lot, getting angry and stressed and out of control. I have always had a bit of a short fuse anyway but this was too much. I completed a PND questionnaire which was a much higher score than my first and was asked to visit the doctor. I was adamant I was not needing antidepressants and that I could cope.
I was fine for a few weeks.

Over the last week I have deteriorated a lot. I think I have just been coasting along getting on with things but no more than that. I was due to start back work for 2 days a week next week and have been really stressed about coping with that. My head has felt like it was going to explode and I have been caught up in feelings of no one else being able to look after my baby as well as I can. Now I am just having to accept they can and that they need to because I have been unable to do it all the last week or so.

I have only been on a very low dose of anti ds for 3 days now but have felt strange since Monday of this week. I have felt so numb and like I am floating along. This was even before I started them. Has anyone else experienced this feeling? Is it really just a case of taking it one day at a time?? I have a real fear about coping with my wee one outside and in shops if he was to start crying etc. I get so paranoid as well. Are these normal feelings??

I just want to be like the many other mums I see out and about with their little ones looking like they are coping. This just isn't how I thought it would be and I feel like such a failure and a crap mother, even although my rational head knows I am not.


Anyway I just wanted to let you all know a little about my background. I think I have caught things in time I hope.
I just hope these tablets begin to work.

Collette

[Mum2Jack not logged on]

Hi Collette

First things forst welcome to the board. You have made the biggest step by starting on the medication. It will take a while to work (mine took 4 weeks and then I had to have my prescription revised) so it really is taking one day at a time until they start to kick-in.

In the meantime you need to get as much support as possible from people you can trust. We are all sufferers and past sufferers of PNI so theres one massive support for you straight away. Who can you maybe chat to in your real life? Is your partner supportive or do you have someone else to natter things through with? The reason i ask is because the illness can very easily make you want to beat it and cope on your own, but in some ways that is setting yourself a task which is unachievable until you have the support to do so. I had all the same feelings as you - Why is everyone else floating through motherhood and I am a nervous wreck, am I a bad mum, am I bad girlfriend to my partner etc etc, but that is part of the illness. I am only able to recognise this now the medication has started to work for me.

Do let us know how you get on and feel free to talk and talk on here. We are here to support each other.

I really must dash now, but hope to hear from you again soon.

LOL

Jiggles

[annag]

Hi Collette
The floaty feeling you describe sounds very similar to me. A few of us were talking about that removed from reality feeling in Frans thread the other day I think it is called the ups and down. The anti d's can cause dizzyness but if you were dizzy already maybe it isn't that. Which Anti d's are you taking i know that some have a sedative effect whilst the newer ones tend not to.
You say that other Mums look like they are coping well I will guarantee that even those who havent got PNi are finding life tough with a baby. I was once on a bus with my eldest two children when I saw someone with a double buggy and a toddler and thought look at her coping with three I can't cope with two. As we got nearer I realised it was my sister who was certainly not coping at all at that time. I really struggle getting out and about but have not really discussed it with other Mums. When I am waiting at the school gates I'll bet they don't know I have PNi. Well some will guess by the absense of make up and the mad dress sense but I bet most have no idea and imagine I am just fine with my three children.
Give the anti d's a few weeks before you get the full benefit it is still really days for you.

Anna

[collette]

hello again

thanks for the replies they are really helpful and it is so good to know that you are not the only one feeling this way.

I have been signed off work for a fortnight initially but I think I will be off longer. Of course I am getting worried about that because of financial implications but we will see what happens. I work in the care sector with care in the community, so the GP thought I could get even more stressed by going back because the people I work with are very vulnerable and unpredictable, (a bit like me at the mo !) and if I am brutally honest part of me does not want to go back at all. I feel tremendous financial pressure about going back to work and guilt about leaving the baby. I think I thought I could get out of going back and that my hubby would just say oh fine we will get by but his wages aren't that great unfortunately.

Any way will keep you all posted on how the tabs are working etc.

c ya

[Mum2Jack not logged on]

Yeah - my OH says that too. Part of you feels that in order to cope in life you must hold down that job, but I would advise baby steps at the moment. Try and look after yourself. Perhaps some time away from your little one in the day if you can to get a breather. Will you get sick pay while you are off?

[Veritee]

Hi Collette

As you will know, while some people who use the site do have a medical qualification i.e. nurses and midwives but I certainly do not and all we do not answer from this point of view but from are own experiences.

Therefore you have to read any answers about medication and treatment in this light – that our reply is our own experiences and opinions only. Always check anything relevant with a medical professional too.

However having said this I will say that there are many antidepressants and other medication that people could be taking, so for us to answer specifically to the drug you are taking. So could you please tell us from the bottle what they are?

But here are some links to threads about medication that you can look at anyway: veritee.proboards7.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&n=1&thread=938
veritee.proboards7.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&n=1&thread=803

However you did say you had this numb feeling before you started on the medication and asked if this is normal.
I do not think that it is common to get this ‘numb’ feeling as someone without PNI or some other mental health/emotional issues, but it is normal in that many of us here suffer this feeling.
I did and did not take medication, others have suffered and are currently suffering this – there is a recent thread on the forum on this numbness. I think Carmen was saying something similar in her thread ‘Unable to Cry’ click on: veritee.proboards7.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&n=1&thread=937
Or veritee.proboards7.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&n=1&thread=876
Or
veritee.proboards7.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&n=1&thread=571

Please have a look at this thread as I think it is coverers some of your issues.

Also you asked about the panicking and fear when you go out about caring for your baby. See threads at : veritee.proboards7.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&n=1&thread=753

Here I can say that I know it is not uncommon for some women who do not have nor developed PNI to have these fears about caring for their child away from home – or even in the home especially in the first year

After all it is a big responsibility and one that for most is completely new and quite stressful. Some of us held down stressful jobs before having a baby – but were not prepared as to how stressful taking a baby out is. As well as the worry about not being able to deal with their needs when out ie crying, changing, feeding and also having to do all this ‘in the public eye’ it can also be physically stressful and demanding what with buggies carrying nappies, milk or having to breastfeed in public, the manhandling the buggy etc etc. Sometimes this si liker a military operation just to get our for half and hour?

I had a friend who never had PNI who panicked every time she went into a supermarket with her baby for a while because the baby did not like it , cried and nothing stopped him so she felt she was being judged to be an incompetent mum.

However with PNI for many these understandable fears and panic goes beyond this and becomes unmanageable. There are many women with PNI who find they can not leave the house with or without the baby and others for whom they do it and it is a nightmare.

And for some these fears lead to obsessive and intrusive thoughts about their child’s safety and their own competence.

This need not happen to you and the earlier you become aware of what your fears are and what may be at the bottom of them
**basically what are you frightened may happen – what is the worse thing you fear could happen

Then the earlier you can see them for what they are – fear but not reality – and take steps to stop this getting out of hand and limiting your life and your babies.

As to wanting to feel like the other mums and babies you see out that seem so confident. Some of them may be, and some of them nay be that day as they are on a good day (think of how you are on a good day) but some of them it is estimated as 1 in 15 or 1 in 10 are feeling exactly like you – really???

PNI is called the ‘smiling illness’ the ‘hidden epidemic’ as not only do mothers with it try to hade it – they are very successful at hiding it in public at least.

It is my theory that the reason for this is that due to societies still existing stigma about PNI – the bottom line is we are sacred we will be judged to be an ‘bad’ mother and the extension for this is the fear we will have our children taken into care!!!

Objectively we know this will not happen – but we hide our PNI as a survival mechanism and to protect out children - so we are very good at it!!

As to reducing the fear when going out:

One tip I have learnt myself and from listening to others with these fears is you must face them; keep taking your baby out, because the less do it the less you will be able to do.

But and this is a big BUT, you must never push yourself to do too much to the point that you may fail.

For instance if a trip to the park or to a small corner shop just makes you feel a little anxious but you know you can do it, but a trip to the supermarket seems like a nightmare. Do not go to the supermarket (order internet shopping or something) but do go to the park a few times and the small shop until you find that this is routine and causes you no problems, then when you are OK with this situation plan a small trip to the supermarket ( or whatever else caused you problems) but when I say a small trip I mean limit what you will do and the time there. I.e. do not to a big shop – just get a few things and only plan on being there for a few minutes and then go home. And while there listen to how you are feeling – what is OK what makes you anxious and try to think of things that would limit your anxiety, ie going a particular time of day, taking a friend taking certain things with you.

Anyway I will stop now as it will take you all day to read this as it is

All the best

Veritee

[collette]

Hi there

Thanks for the reply and the links Veritee. They are very helpful. My hubby has the wee man at his Grans so I have an afternoon to myself. The first in a few weeks.

I am taking the lowest dose of Citalopram cipramil at the mo and have only been doing so for 3 days. I just wanted to find out if anyone else had felt the effects I have been feeling.

Thanks again for your help.

[banana]

hey collette,

just wanted to say you are definately in the right place for help and advice. Give your anti d's time to kick in and I'd suggest getting signed off work until they do. My anti d's have only just startin to have some effect on me over this last week and i have been taking them 5 weeks now, I know i could not have dealt with working while I was feeling as bad as i did before ( although you may be a stronger person than me ).

Also, what you said about how you have been feeling - look at some other threads on here, especially physical symptoms, they really help.

Anyway just wanted to say hi and offer my support.

Thinking of you

Banana x

[lisa1234]

Hi Collette,

Just wanted to welcome you to the site. It's good to have someone all the way from bonny Scotland.

The work things definately hard. I think you've made the right decision to get signed off. I took some parental leave before I returned as I just wasn't ready to go back after Christmas.

I had no choice though to go back 2 weeks ago & was absolutely terrified. However, it has really done me good and it's been a real help to me to be my 'normal' self again. I'm not saying you should go back just yet, i think what I'm trying to say is that for me anyway, going back wasn't as bad as the image I'd created in my head.

I'm glad you've found the site & I look forward to getting to know you better.

love Lisa xxx

[wendabell]

i was on citralopram,yes they made me feel a little weird when i first went on them and then when i took my self off them after xmas...but thats another thread and story which you can read.
I felt like i was tingling and my head was buzzing almost as if someone had been spinning me around then i stopped.
I started to feel icouldnt drive and as i work nights i thought it was dangerous.
Im now back on sertraline 50mg.
But if you are worried please talk to your doctor he will let you know if its ok as we all have differing side effects.
The work issue,take these two weeks off and i am hoping you are getting sick pay.
I also work in the care sector in a college for the disabled.I used to work long full time shifts which as you know are stressful as permanently short staffed,underpaid,and since the care standards stepped in reams and reams of paper work and social worker meetings.Well i couldnt cope with all that and when i went back this time i managed to secure a night post.
The sleeping is a problem with me as i work now 3 on and 3 off and survive on 3-4 hours a day sleep when working but im lucky i only work term time as well.
What im trying to say is concider it.
My hubby works 10-6 and always ahs the kids at night when im working and my mum has them for a few hours while i sleep in the morning.
I am still getting the same amount of money for working nights and less hours than when i worked full time.this is because i get time and a third for night work.
its also heaps less stressful,less people and less work.
If possible for you it might be an answer.
Love from a concerned fellow carer.wendyx.x.x

[Sarah 04]

Hi Collette

I appreciate that we are all different and that PNI seems to bring out so many different symptoms but I did have floaty feelings/sensations. I felt like I was detached from reality and in certain situations felt a bit 'spaced' out.

I was put on Ciprimel but only stayed on it for a week. I don't want to influence you because as I said earlier we are all different. I did get side effects, feeling disorientated/dizzy/giddy I still don't know if this was the PNI symtoms or whether it was the ads. I am just telling you this to reassure you that you are not on your own. When I first felt like this, last January I thought I was the only person ever to feel this way, I felt totally isolated and really scared. However, a year later I am sat here writing this thread to you. I am still recovering from the illness but I just feel so much stronger, calmer, happier than I did 12 months ago (all emotions that I never thought I'd feel again).

I was put on venlafaxine and the dose was increased gradually to 300 mg over 4/5 months. I started to slowly see the benefits from about last May/June onwards. With PNI you often feel that you take 2 steps forward and 1 step back but every minute, every hour, ever day you are getting one step closer to getting better, I promise.

Keep us posted on how you are getting on.

lol

Sarah
xxx

[Sarah 04]

Sorry, it's late and I'm tired. I forgot to say that I used to get fears like the ones you desribed, I was constantly comparing myself to other Mums and I used to feel very paranoid. The feelings you are desribing are the PNI symptoms they are not part of your personality or you as a Mum.

I used to get very, very frustrated that people used to and still do treat me as a Mum struggling with motherhood. I was a Mum who was ill. The illness, PNI and my capabilities as a Mummy are 2 separate things entirely. If you had fallen down the stairs and broken your leg, people would see it for what it is a broken leg and they wouldn't ask you to run round the block. There is still ignorance/social stigma surrounding PNI although things do seem to be changing, slowly but surely. Because people can't see it they often don't know how to deal with it or treat it and because Mum's with PNI do care they often try to hide it and try to keep maintaining the high standards they set themselves.

This is the easiest thing to say but please do not be too hard on yourself. Don't try to analyse or dwell on your feelings/thoughts etc whilst you are recovering from this illness, they are part of the illness and you will recover from them like I have.

Be kind to yourself, you are fantastic Mum, you do care, you are desperately trying to get better for your baby's sake, that is why you have come onto this website.

I am going to have to go now but if you ever need reassurance we are all here for you.

Thinking of you and once again you are not on your own.

Sarah
xxx

[wendabell]

what you just described there saraho4,i can totally relate too and you described it so well.
We are good mums with and illness and we can cope we are not useless mums at all.

[Babytales]

Hi Collette and welcome

I can't comment on the anti depressants as I'm not on them at present.

But as to the floating feeling, I can tell you that's one of the symptoms I've had. I also have huge problems with anyone else looking after my baby - this week was the first time ever I left her with someone else apart from my husband and I was absolutely petrified and she's nine months old!

I think a lot of us compare ourselves to other mums and what is supposed to be a 'good mum' but be reassured in the fact that you are indeed a good mum, as you know there's a problem and you're trying to get better for your child. The fact that you don't think anyone else can do as good a job shows how well you care for your little one. Please don't feel like a failure, I know from what you've written that you're definately not xxxxxxxxxxx

[susie]

Hi Collette,

I just wanted to say Hi and welcome to the forum,

Susie
x