A little advice please?

[Scarlet]

Hiya Caterina,

Sounds to me as if you have already left the way open for her. It's hard isn't it because if she does have PNI, she probably is still in denial and doesn't want to tell anyone for fear of being labelled. I think I was the same until the s**t hit the preverbial fan. Just a thought but perhaps she's not opening up because her hubby has told her to keep quiet and not cause a fuss.

Maybe before you leave you could say something to her along the lines of, I am glad that you are doing OK, but if ever you feel lonely and isolated and just want to chat, remember I am here for you. I don't think you can do any more at this stage if she doesn't want to open up...you might have to give her a bit of time.

I know what you mean though about wanting to help before it escalates, you are fab Caterina.

Hhows that bump of yours?

Hugs

Scarlet
X

[winegirl]

Hi Caterina

I dont think you can do much more than you already have. Sounds like you have done everthing right and I really wouldnt push it with her. Just keeping offering your support and ear to bend and that is the most you can do. Also keep talking about your PNI so she knows that you would understand if she did want to talk to you.

Well done on being so supportive to this lady, you realy are amazing x

WG x

[Veritee]

Perhaps you could email her the address of this forum - let her read for herself and anonymously

I do understand if you do not want to push her further - especially as she is a relative as this brings family relationships into it - and why it contravenes the usual boundaries to try any more - but why not try and push a little bit more. If she does not have PNI all that can happen is she tells you to mind your own business and that she is alright - but to push more just may eventually get there!


but personally I always push it a bit further now -

Sometimes I try to be subtle - I make it clear I had PNI and what my symptoms were and say that I may be wrong but I recognize in what the other is saying and doing some of the things I did i.e the ridiculously high standards for herself etc

emphasis there is no shame in PNI, tell her she has not failed if she does have it and if she does not for her to forgive for asking!! And that, and others , are here if this person ever wants to talk - no obligation and no comeback.

You could send her a card - I have done this - saying that you had PNI and you are there on the end of a phone or in person if you can - anytime she wants to talk!

But mostly now I am quite blunt - if I have all the clues you do in this case, I say I think you may have PNI, and leave the ball in their court to tell me they do not!!!

I do this because when I had PNI I knew a woman - but younger than me and with less support than I had - in the village who I absolutely felt had PNI too .

Her baby was about 8 months younger than Caja and I am still in contact with this 'baby' now she is 17

Her mum was wearing that mask we all wear and I just did not want to push her about PNI further than I already had for fear I would overstep the boundaries, ( the boundaries of polite village etiquette, or push beyond what would seem polite or at least not rude)

or that she would have been offended.

She was one of the few who lost her life to PNI and I know that had I pushed there might have been just a chance that she would have confided in me and the course of her history - and her daughters - could have been changed.

At least I would have known that I had done my best, as it is I know I did not take it as far as I could have.

The other possibility was that she would have been very angry with me and disliked me for it, that her husband would have not talked to my husband as they were best friends at the time, or she would have clammed up even more........

but not a day goes by when I do not wish I had risked it - so I always risk it now. If the person I am talking to thinks I am out of order or inappropriate ( relative, friend or acquaintance ) - mostly I do not care.

As by pushing it I may just manage to stop another tragedy at the most or assist someone to seek help

Her name was Karen and she was a part of why I started this forum.

I did not try hard enough with her and I can not go back

[Scarlet]

Veritee how tragic this story is, and I can understand why you go that extra mile now even if it means being blunt...

But mostly now I am quite blunt - if I have all the clues you do in this case, I say I think you may have PNI, and leave the ball in their court to tell me they do not!!!


Caterina,
What did you do in the end hun?

Scarlet
X

[Bobyn]

Veritee,
I just wanted to say that in a roundabout way you have saved me. A few months ago when I decreased the tablets I was on (at the advice of the doctor) I had a very, very bad weekend. It makes me cry even thinking about it but I drove away from my house seriously believing that my children and husband would be better off without me. Luckily I had SianyC to phone and she literally saved me from myself and talked me down so to speak. I don't think she'd have been able to offer the words of wisdom she did without the support she'd received herself from this site. She also encouraged me to start a diary here and use the forums which I'm certain has helped me immensely this time.

I read your section in the book SianyC lent me before I had this baby and I remember it well. I'm certain I'm not the only one you have saved with this site. I hope that brings you some comfort as some good has come out of the loss of your friend. Thank you so much for starting this site.

Sorry to butt into your thread Caterina - please let us know how things went with your SIL?
Love,
Bobyn xxx

[Veritee]

Thank you Bobyn

I am so sorry you felt that desperate but I am so glad Sianyc was there - very

Your words do indeed bring me much comfort. It is too late for Karen but as long as it helps one or two a year - it is certainly worth it as i do really need to hear this sometimes.

As often it feel very remote when you are typing on a forum for me and everyone else who supports others .

You ( or I do ) question whether it is worth it or is it having any effect for anyone? - and the worst thing that happens is I even question sometimes if encouraging women to share as they do on here does not make things worse for some!!!!!

I think this is because sometimes women do get upset when they hear of issues aired by someone else they find hard to think about or have themselves but are not yet ready to acknowledge them, or if suicide is spoken about when others are feeling suicidal

And because of course I have also been told by professionals and others that women with PNI 'meeting up' without close supervision can make women think they have symptoms they don't or 'feed' their PNI?

I actually feel this is not so - at least not on an Internet forum anyway where you will never meet up and especially on an Internet forum like this where we are very careful to moderate it well and have guidelines and policy that we stick to to make sure that the forum does no harm to anyone

I also feel that if you have PNI you have it, no one can make it worse, or make you imagine symptoms and no one can give it to you. And to know that others have or do feel the same, can only help? But not everyone understands what we do here - or about the worth of internet forums - and that we do it 'professionally' as we can but none of us are professionals.

But it does raise doubts for me as to if this is a positive thing to do at times. And I do heart search all the time about it - I have NEVER done this forum lightly, without lots of thought and heart searching.

But your saying this about how Sianyc helped you has been very helpful to me !!

because this is how I hoped that the forum would work
That women would pass on what they had learned or picked up from being on here and use it to support others both on the forum and if they came across women with PNI in their 'real' lives.

Because I have always realized that I have many limitations, that I am only one person and can not possible support all the women who find this forum

And in fact you may have noticed I respond less and less no to individual posts on the forum.

Because I also know that this burns you out and there is a limit to how long you can sustain the same level of input

Many moderators in the past have got to this point and moved on and I worry how long I can continue - so in a way I ration my time on here now.

and I also realized that when my own daughter had grown up and I became - as I am now - a women with an empty nest, I would need to concentrate on the issues I am now facing such as moving positively into older age and keeping my life enriched and positive without children to care for.

Sometimes it seems several lifetimes ago since my daughter was a baby in nappies and I had PNI!! But sometimes it seems like yesterday!!!!

It is a worry for me what I do when I feel I can not be admin on this anymore as we do have few funds and very little support in terms of a local management committee or interested people - so I guess my whole point is to pass on to others while we can, what we have learned here by supporting women with PNI all theses years

Sorry also to go on in someones else's thread

But thanks so much Bobyn
And I hope that you are doing reasonably well now yourself

Veritee XX