kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jul 11, 2006 18:51:04 GMT
Thanks Erin
Today's been ok. I coped with S this evening and she was in nursery during the day. I had another counselling session and it was ok, fairly light, but we talked about my being scared of S and feeling that she was responsible for my perineal tear. We also talked about support from my mother in law and about the way I feel towards pregnant women and my friend who's just had her second baby. I just feel so sorry for them. I walked past a pregnant woman this morning and I honestly thought about punching her bump just so that she wouldn't have to go through the trauma that I've been through and so that I could stop the baby in its tracks. I felt physically sick afterwards, I know its the illness but I feel like some kind of monster for feeling like that. The counsellor helped me to see that its the whole process that I feel like that about and that actually, there is no reason why that woman shouldn't have a great time and enjoy being a mum. Its so hard when all I can do is see things from my perspective.
I did sleep better last night so hopefully I will again tonight. One more step...
K
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jul 15, 2006 7:59:28 GMT
am going through a low patch again. broke down completely last night when j told me not to glare at s. i thought i was doing well, but i just can't stand to be with her just now. she drives me mad, by doing nothing, just by being there. j says it upsets her when i glare at her and it upsets him too. i can't help it, i don't even know i'm doing it, i try really hard to engage with her and smile, but it doesn't always work. i've been on the meds for 7 weeks now and i thought they were working, but since tuesday i've been feeling really really low again. i don't have the anxiety and as many of the intrusive thoughts, but i just feel rubbish and i hate the way i feel about s. i wanted a baby so much and now i'd do anything to not have her. my parents are having her this weekend, they'll be here at 10.30 and the house has never looked more terrible but i just don't care. i want to crawl away and hide in a cave, curl up and never wake up again. i just can't do this, i want to be better but it doesn't seem to matter what i do, i can't fight it
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hannah457
Senior Member
i have 4 children. brandon,angel , peter, leland .
Posts: 453
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Post by hannah457 on Jul 15, 2006 10:05:01 GMT
hi KB.
i know how your feel Hun. this dreadful illness can get you that way. it takes time for the meds to work, but if you feel there not working then have a word with your g.p to see if they can maybe up them or change them.
Ive had this illness for about 10 months now and my meds haven't worked for me too, but my g.p is trying me with new ones.
anyway I'm hear for you if you need a chat
love Hannah xxx
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Post by cheshire on Jul 15, 2006 11:09:02 GMT
Hi K
We're here for you if you need to talkxx
Hope your parents helping out helps you feela bit better - have you anything planned for the weekend?
Take care Hopefulxxx
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jul 16, 2006 20:04:43 GMT
Thanks Hannah and Hopeful.
Managed to get things back under control a little yesterday and picked myself up a bit. Being away from S always makes me feel a bit better. I was fairly horrible to my parents yesterday, they were saying stupid things like I told mum I was feeling rubbish and she said 'why?' (they know I'm not well so its a fairly stupid question) and dad said 'you're tired' (I know that, but there's nothing I can do about it).
Had a better day today (again, away from s but when we collected her I tired really hard to be nice and not grumpy with her and it was actually ok). We're trying to get our new house finished (we've built it ourselves - J has done most of the work) and I was painting most of the weekend. I'm exhausted, but at least I achieved something. Its strange that I can sometimes find the energy to do work on the new house but very rarely on this house.
I still don't know if the meds are working, sleeping isn't great and I do feel like I'm still having loads of bad days, but I'm seeing the doc on Thursday so we'll see what he says.
Glad to know there are people here for me - sometimes it feels so lonely out here on my own. J wants to help but its hard for him too and I know he finds it really hard when I can't be nice to S.
All steps, would be nice if a few more of them could be in a forward direction.
K
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jul 18, 2006 8:20:10 GMT
Am knackered today. Woke up feeling very anxious but I managed to get up and be ok with S. She's sleeping now and I really need to get myself ready to go and take her to nursery (I have counselling today) but I'm finding it hard to find the energy. Not really sure how I'm feeling at the moment, not terrible but not good either.
K
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jul 19, 2006 20:47:08 GMT
Counselling was ok, fairly light because it was so hot. Counsellor started talking about going back to work at the start of Sept and I'm quite daunted by it to be honest. I'm seeing the doc tomorrow and she said to ask him about a phased return to work. I don't want to tell work I'm ill, but I'm starting to think I don't have a choice. Found it really hard to do anything yesterday, luckily I had a friend to help me.
Today's been ok. Felt very fragile this morning, then was with a friend and her baby and only got to the end of my tether by teatime when S was tired and grumpy and I just wanted to escape.
My friend yesterday suggested that maybe I'm suffering because I've always taken responsibility for others - my family, my sisters, my friends, people at work and now I've got to be responsible for S it is just too much and I want someone to be responsible for me instead. I think she's right but there is noone to take responsibility for me - i have to be the grown up and i'm not sure i want to be.
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Post by cazfletcher on Jul 19, 2006 23:04:55 GMT
aw kb i can relate to you so much! im so sorry that youre feeling like this now but just keep taking one day at a time, keep talking/posting, we are all here for you and you will get better, not tomorrow, not next week, but soon. sendin you big hugs hun xxx
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jul 24, 2006 18:12:36 GMT
Not really sure how I'm feeling. Kind of pleased because for the first time in a very long time I've given S her tea, done bed time story and put her to bed on my own. I didn't give her a bath because I thought that would be too much, but I did have to put her down to bed twice because the first time she didn't settle. I should feel like its a big achievement but I just feel knackered. Had a fairly stressful day. Am worried about going back to work. Doc says phased return might be possible if work support it, but HR person is off on hols for 2 weeks so I can't find out from her. Not sure if I want to, but it would be good to know the option was there or not. Also got new house stress because the people who did our windows are stressing me out. They want paid, but we want the job finished so I'm not sure what's going to happen, just wish J would take it on to be honest because I'm finding it very emotional, and I don't know why.
Had a bit of a better weekend. S was away, but I was pleased to see her when we picked her up each day from her various grandparents, and J & I worked well together on the new house and went to the cinema on Sat for the first time in ages. I'm not a big film person but it was good to do something normal. I don't find I enjoy normal things as much as I used to but I suppose I'll get there. Doc says to stick at same dose, he's away for 2 weeks now but HV should be back and have counselling tomorrow. Still not heard from psychologist, and its been 7 weeks now. This is a long long journey.
Thanks Caz, we will all get there I suppose.
K
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jul 26, 2006 18:02:44 GMT
Horray! For the first day in months and months I feel like I've not been debilitated by this stupid illness (although for a long time I didn't accept that was the problem). I took S swimming this morning. I was supposed to meet a friend and her little one, but due to being dippy mummies we managed to go to different pools so I did it on my own for the first time ever and although S was very clingy, we survived it together.
This afternoon I would normally have found something else to do with other people around but I decided to be brave and have an afternoon at home with S and it was actually quite good! We played outside in the garden and I hung up the washing, she had an early dinner cos she was hungry and it went ok, she ate most of it and I didn't get stressed when she grumped, and I could actually see that she was just trying it on because she stopped immediately when she didn't get any attention. Then I gave her her bath all on my own and did her bedtime stories and put her to bed - ALL ON MY OWN!!!!
I realise to many mums in the world, none of the above sounds any great achievement, but it was the first time in at least 3 months when I've spent that amount of time with S on my own and I wasn't afraid, I didn't have any scary invasive thoughts, I didn't want to run away, I just enjoyed being with my daughter. If this is a sign of things to come then I really have hope that things will get better. Its not a quick journey, but at last its starting to look like the destination is worth it.
K
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jul 27, 2006 17:59:15 GMT
Hmm, well today's been a bit flatter again. Was very worried this morning because I had a meeting with a man about our windows in the new house and I knew he wanted us to pay them, but we don't think they've finished. I hate conflict and right now I don't have any confidence in my own ability to be an adult, I just wanted to run away and hide. I also had a planned call with my boss about going back to work and I was agitated about that too. Given those things, the day didn't go too badly, both went ok, but the work one still isn't resolved. I'm speaking to him again in a couple of weeks. Part of me is looking forward to going back to work, but part of me is scared that I can't do it. I seem to lack any confidence I ever had that I could do my job and I don't know if it will come back when I start or not. I'm also worried that spending so much time away from s (i'm going back full time) might mean I just hide from her and avoid the issues of non-attachment that I have. Maybe a phased return is what I need to think about.
I did have an ok time with s this afternoon after I picked her up from nursery. she'd been sleeping and was thirsty so we sat on the promenade and i gave her some water, then we came home and had dinner, bath, bed and it all went fine. I was really really really tired, but she seemed happy to just chill out. I'm slowly realising that she doesn't need to be entertained all the time, she sometimes is perfectly happy just being herself, while she is near me. Guess it means she likes being with me, but its not easy for me to accept that.
K
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Post by cheshire on Jul 28, 2006 19:28:58 GMT
Hi K,
I know just what you mean when you say ''I hate conflict and right now I don't have any confidence in my own ability to be an adult'' - I felt like that too and often do still , but I try to control my confidence levels due to what I learned through psychotherapy - and it helps more now than at the time that I went through this.
I too dreaded going back to work, but the reality was far less harsh than the imagined reality. I found it tiring to start with, as I was so anxious and also my self esteem had hit rock bottom - both related I'm sure..
But I am starting to enjoy it again and feeling like me .
Anyway, here for you Hopefulxx
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jul 30, 2006 21:21:59 GMT
I do genuinely think I might have turned a corner. I've felt much closer to S over the past few days and am actually starting to enjoy having her close to me - giving her cuddles etc whereas before I wanted her as far away from me as possible. I still feel like I could give her up, but I think now I would miss her, and I certainly don't actively want to get rid of her which is a huge change. The downside of that is that I'm worried that when I go back to work I'll undo the good by throwing myself into work and running away from spending time building a relationship with S.
S is being v cute just now - understands what cuddles are, is trying to do kisses and has also learned to shake her head, as well as hold her own bottle (at long last). Its great to be able to feel positively about her and about me a bit too. I'm not quite so paranoid about what people think about me and am starting to recognise some of the old me coming back. I'm still totally knackered and not sleeping well, but maybe some of that is to do with the weather.
The hv should be back by now, and I'd really like her to come and spend some time with me and s to give me some advice about how to cope when s gets grumpy, and any other useful tips, but i don't want to be a pain and inconvenience her when i know she has so much to do at work. the old me wouldn't have thought twice about it, guess that's the whole conflict thing.
Hopeful - did you see a psychotherapist? I'm supposed to be seeing a psychologist, but at the moment I'm seeing a counsellor and on a waiting list for psychology. Glad you're starting to enjoy work again - its great to know there is hope.
K
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Post by cheshire on Jul 30, 2006 21:51:01 GMT
Hi K, I can assure you there is hope - but I know if anyone had said that to me I'd have seriously questioned their honesty!! I can 'honestly' say I thought it would get no better - but it does, gradually. It really does Yes, I had psychotherapy. At the time I was overwhelmed - later, as I continue to recover, it all makes some sense and is very useful (the psychotherapy). There are many positive changes from having been so ill. I think in some ways I feel happier than ever . Not joyous and fun, but appreciative of friends, partner, children and getting my love back for my son... There is hope, you will find yourself again. I honestly never thought, that I would ever write thatx Here anytimexx
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Aug 4, 2006 18:48:50 GMT
(written 1st August but site was down)
Up, down and roundabout. I thought I was doing so well, but yesterday was so black I thought I’d never be able to climb out of the hole I’d fallen into. I’ve spoken to my counsellor about it today and she’s helped me to understand that I was looking for comfort and when I didn’t get it I reacted as a child, because I didn’t use to get the comfort I needed when I was a child. Its complicated, and I’m only just starting to get my head around it but I suppose it kind of makes sense. She has helped me to see that when I was a child a lot of my needs for love, care, comfort and reassurance weren’t met by my parents for various reasons. She says its not about blaming them because they did the best they could at the time, but it is about recognising that hurt and loss, coming to terms with it, letting anger and frustration out and then moving on in a more centred way. I can see that, but its so much easier to say than do. When I was standing in Edinburgh yesterday, tears rolling slowly down my face, seriously thinking of either disappearing or stepping out in front of a bus, it seemed there was no alternative. I didn’t know what to do or where to turn. I felt so numb, so scared, so tired and I just wanted it all to end. I don’t have the energy to fight, but my counsellor says its not about fighting, its about living life as it is, dealing with the issues that are getting in the way of enjoying life and then moving forward in a positive way for me. I’m just so fed up and I really had thought I’d turned the corner, turns out I was just hovering on the brink and I really hope I’m not on a bungy cord back into that black hole. J has been great, he didn’t help yesterday, because I didn’t ask for help I just expected him to be psychic, but today he’s been really loving and caring and has given me space to get myself back on track again. I don’t know how anyone can love me at the moment, but he says he does and I do believe him. Its just hard when I don’t love myself and when I feel that I’m not a good person to be around. I want to be fun again, to enjoy life and to enjoy being a mum. I’ve glimpsed it now and I want more, but after yesterday and today it seems so far out of reach. I don’t know where to find the strength, energy and persistence to reach that extra bit.
My counsellor is off on holiday now so I won’t see her for 3 weeks which seems like ages. She’s suggested writing more in my journal and also writing a letter to my parents saying everything I’d like to say to them, but not sending it to help me release the anger, upset and frustration and how I feel about my childhood. I don’t know if I’ll do it, but I do think it might help. I also need to find more ways of coping when I do slip down again to make sure I don’t do anything stupid and I do come back out of the hole again. I frightened myself yesterday because I didn’t feel I had any of the ‘sanity voices’ telling me that I shouldn’t do something like step in front of a bus because it would hurt and it wouldn’t definitely kill me. Before now those voices have stopped me doing something stupid, but yesterday they weren’t there. I just didn’t know where to go. I didn’t want to stay still but I didn’t know where to put my feet to move me forwards, I was stuck between something and nothing, feeling nothing but everything and wanting to escape from it all.
I’m tired now and quite drained, I’m going to go to bed but I know I should unwind a bit first so I sleep better, I just don’t know how to unwind and relax.
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