Trying for a baby and terrified

[JDM as guest]

Hi guys

I have made the decision to try for another baby for 2 reasons.

1. I really want my son to have a sibling and the opportunity to have the knid of bond I have with my sister.

2. My fertility is not great it took me a long time to conceive my son and I need to bear that in mind, also I am older now and I know that age can make it harder.

So here it goes, the contraception hs gone in the bin, my hubby cant wait adores the baby stage etc, but for me whilst I want it in my heart I am so scared of the pregnancy and birth being bad again and setting me back. I would say I am 80% recovered but saw something on This Morning that said you should not get pregnant until you are fully recovered from PNI the first time, which is fine but how long will that be?

Sorry to waffle on but this issue is so much in my mind tonight, I have really tried to think what is the single most thing that is bothering me, and suprisingly it is not getting PNI again, it is dying in childbirth or the baby dying. Please dont think I am being dramatic but that feeling haunts me, I think it must be from the last birth and I cant get over it. I have talked it over with my OH and he says, dont be daft the chances are slim etc etc, and he wont leave my side this time so he can keep an eye on me. What do others think?

Thanks

[stevensmummy]

Hi,

I am at present 37wks pregnant with my second child after pni and I have to admit i was terrified, like you i would probably gauge myself as being one of the lucky ones and about 80% recovered. I didnt have the opportunity to try for another baby this one was an accident. I'm not saying i wouldnt have tried but I just think not quite so soon. My little boy is only 2 this month and i feel I still owe him what i couldnt give.

What scared me? like you the thought of not loving another child. What if I dont want this one either? What if I have another terrible birth (48hrs) and another baby in special care unit? All the questions reeled thro me when I was probably most hormonal of all. I didnt know until I was 11 wks (no periods since pni) and was really shocked and really scared. It took me weeks to tell anyone my fears. I would sit and wonder how it felt not to be loved by your own mother and if steven knew I didnt love him and if i could bear to do that again to another poor child.

But, and yes there is a good bit, that was then and now 37 wks on I'm not near so frightened. Yes i do get the odd hormonal moment as every pregnant woman does and suddenly have that loss of breath all over again. But overall i have to say I am now looking forward to the birth. I'm so far gone now that I'm not sure if I have accepted it or if I am actually moving on. My OH said the other day he thinks being pregnant has helped me, but then again he said I'm back to being a vicious woman too, lol. I really do think that becoming pregant has in some ways helped me. It has given my life a focus once again and now i feel like I have a role. Yes I'm afraid of what will happen, how will I manage 2 kids under 2 etc etc etc. But thats not pni sufferers thoughts, its that of every second time mother, well so I'm assured.

As for what you saw on this morning, I think i saw that too and yes I did think, 'oh dear' but really i think pni is different for every woman. In my case everyone said keep the mesds they do help, but for me all they did was give me a false security, and I knew I was never fixed. So what means to say that I cant be different about pregnancy 'fixing' me too? I dont advise getting preg to find a cure but I do think it can help and that it has helped me and i was lucky to fall preg at the right time. In your case like you say about conception problems then if I was you i'd be doing the same. You dont want to regret never being able to have anaother baby as you waited too long. As for ying in child birth, I think thats something we all worry about but like your OH said hes not going to leave you, and really in reality it is such a slim chance, rather like stepping off the kerb and being hit by a bus I imagine.

I can see and understand your fears but I wanted to show you, well try to, that maybe it isnt such a bad i dea afterall. I will of course let you know how the next few weeks go. And hopefully it will help you. And lastly good luck!

Sarah xx

[jdm GUEST]

Dear Sarah

Thanks so much for that, hearing it from someone who is actually pregnant has helped, just the fact that you are no worse is a comfort to me. I will be waiting to hear your news in the next couple of weeks and will follow with compassion and interest how you get on. Do you know what you are having? I remember the great excitement I felt at 37 weeks and I bet you and your OH are too. Please let us know what you have etc. I am praying for you.

Love JDM X

[joannem]

Hi JDM
Good luck with the trying! Fingers crossed for you.
Just also wanted to reassure you if I can regarding your fears re childbirth and baby, is there anything you wanted to talk about or go through from your last birth that particularly worries/concerns you?? If you dont want to post it on here please PM me.
Will help in anyway if I can xx
Love Jo xx

[JDM GUEST]

Hi Joanne

Thanks for the offer. I think I am really scared of what happened to me last time happening again. Basically after my son was born they made me get up for a shower (it was about 1 hour later) as they needed the room for someone else. I told them I felt strange spaced out not really with it and dizzy. They said well what do you expect you have just had a baby we will have to move you though anyway. I was told to shower while my oh took my son to the ward. I got in the shower and that is the last thing I can remember as I collapsed, I woke up on the floor unable to move, I felt so ill and pulled the cord, but no one responded for what seemed like ages, I think I then passed out again, I came round and everythring was spinning I was so dizzy but I managed to pull my self up with the help of the towel rail, the buzzer was still going but no one had responded, I walked out in to the corridor and a Dr (i think was walking passed, I called for help, she put a towel round me and got me a wheel chair and asked a support worker to put me in bed and take my BP, which she did, I saw no one then for the rest of the night, this was about 2amish oh was asked to leave by the support worker. I remember feeling so ill that night, scared and worried I actually thought I was going to die in that bed and no one cared. I was woken at about 6 and I was in really bad pain in my ribs, I looked down and the bruising was already starting where I must have fell, I asked for pain releif and they said not until the morning staff come on. They said I should get my self up and motivated and feed the baby, I told them I feel so ill, she checked my pulse and said it is racing a bit you body is working hard to replace all the blood you have lost. I did not really know what she meant by that , if it was good or bad? I got up to go to the loo and just as I got in there I fainted again, luckily another woman saw me go down and pulled the cord, they came quickly this time and got back to bed, I said I feel so ill, they said the Dr will come and look at you. This was about 7am, I did not dare pick my son up at all in case I fainted with him im my arms. My OH came at 9 and lifted him out I told what had happened and that I felt awful, he went to the desk, they said yes we know we have asked the Dr to come and look at her, it could just be the pethidine. I dozed on and off all day whil we waited for the Doc, each time I tried to sit up I felt dizzy, I was really scared I had never felt to so ill, at 4pm the Doctor came. He looked at me and said, you look a bit pale Ill order some bloods and walked away. After my visitors in the evening I settled down to sleep, my son woke all through the night to be breastfed, but I could not sit up I felt so dizzy so they just took him and bottle fed him. The next morning they said I could go home, I said I am still really dizzy and in pain in my ribs, the new staff did not know anything about the bloods that had been taken the next day they went to find out this was about 8am. At 1.00pm they came with some iron tables and said I should go home, I could hardly walk with out feeling dizzy and faint. They said they could not understand it as I had not lost much blood about the same as a can of coke they told my husband. They suggested I get on with it basically. I left, I dont know how I made it to the car. We got home and I walked through the door and fainted. My husband was so worried I looked like a corpse in the mirror I was so white. My hubby rand the ward they suggested that I go to bed and tell the Community midwife in the morning. The next morning I felt breathless, my hubby called the GP, he came out he checked my BP which was a bit high, pulse was still a bit high. He called the hosp to get the results of my Iron levels. He came of the phone and said you should have been given a blood transfusion in hospital with these levels, he said I def must have lost a lot mor blood for my iron to drop that much from what it was at 39 weeks. I refused to go back in there so he agreed I could do it at home on stonger iron tabs and stay in bed, which I did and my sister came home from uni to take care of me. I hardly had anything to do with my son for 2 weeks and I am sure that caused the problems I had bonding with him. I am terrified of this happening again. I realise I have really gone on and on sorry.

Love JDM X

[monica]

Dear JDM

Your story sounds so traumatic and the worst thing is it could have been addressed straight away. I can sort of relate to how you feel as after my second child I lost quite a bit of blood and also could hardly walk, felt faint. The delivering midwife commented that I'd lost quite a bit of blood but didnt' check the levels and it was only next day that I mentioned to the discharging midwife I felt quite faint that she bothered to take bloods.

I'm currently pregnant (12 weeks) and mentioned the blood loss thing to the midwife as well as PNI. She said that regarding delivery, as soon as babe is born they can give me the injection for the placenta to be delivewred quicker and that might help. Also forewawrned is forearmed. This time, you know the symptoms and what they might mean. If from the onselt of labour you keep tellign them about the blood loss and insist your bloods are taken asap post delivery and that you get results asap. Also from the moment you meet your midwife voice your concerns - they have to write it down in your notes - so it's allthere in black and white. As your huby said, he'llmake sure he's around and also he's aware of the situation so should you not be feeling well, he can insist for blood tests to be taken.

Furthmore, maybe discuss your case with midwife - maybe seeing a specialist might help alleviate any worries you may have and put into place a contingency plan.

And I know what you mean about thinking about something horrible happening to you or your baby, but the chances are so so low.

Re: Pni, the midwife I spoke to recently also said that this time (for me) I'm aware of the signs and symptoms, so shoudl it rear it's ugly head, I can hopefully nip it in the bud much earlier.

You haven't gone on before and your fears are completely understandable.

Good luck (and enjly)with the babymaking!

Love

Monica

[JDM as guest]

Hi

Thanks for that. I did not know you were allowed to ask for bloods yourself. I have been thinking a lot about having a private midwife this time at home as I think a lot of the problem in hospital was that they were just to busy to sort me out, no sooner had the midwife delivered my son she was straight off to deliver another baby with me just being left with my baby and oh. At least with a home birth the midwife is there one to one sometimes 2 I think. At lease that way I would get a proper assessment after the birth and be able to have someone reassure me.

My OH is against it thought he thinks it is not safe, I think it was not safe in hospital post natally but the delivery was find and my son had the cord around his neck which was dealt with very quickly and he is fine.

I will have to have a think about it.

Thanks for the advice.

Love JDM

[helenr]

Hi all,

congrats on those who are pg, and wishing lots of lovely practice to those who are trying.

I just wanted to quickly say that I had PNI with both babes, but 2nd time around, everyone was on things so quickly due to previous history.

Its absolutely right that forewarned in forearmed, and it can be beaten again. Please try not to let the worry of recurring PNI affect your pg, IF and thats IF you suffer from it again, you have all the lovely ladies here to help.
love and hugs to you all,

[joannem]

Hi JDM
I just wanted to sat your care in hospital was absolutely lousy.
In no circumstances should you have been told to get off the bed and "what do you expect..." that is just disgusting.
As a midwife speaking if I had just delivered you and an hour later you told me you were weak and dizzy you should have had your BP etc checked and offered food and rest. I am so angry at the way other so called health professionals "care" for people.

Any how that is my rant over with.
Do you know how much blood you lost after delivery??
If you did loose quite a fair bit, it will be recorded in your notes and they will be watching for this after another delivery. You should also be offered the injection syntometrine for your afterbirth, and to reduce bleeding.

You can take pregaday/pregnacare throughout your pregnancy to ensure your iron levels (haemoglobin) stay high and reduce your chance of becoming anaemic or being so ill afterwards. Though I do suspect you lost quite a lot of blood and would have benefited from a transfusion and should not have been discharged home so early.

I am sorry you didnt get the care that you should have.
I hope things are much better this time.
You should have your bloods checked when you go for your booking appointment and at 28 weeks. When you book in with your midwife please bring up your concerns and she will be able to go over what happened and tell you how much blood you lost etc.

Hope this helps, post again if anything else comes to mind.
Remember there are some nice midwives out there too! I ALWAYS escort my ladies to the bathroom after delivery because you do feel weak after giving birth and shakey and I think it is comforting to know you have that support.
After all at the end of the day being a midwife is about supporting mother & baby.
Love Jo xx

[monica]

Dear Joanne

You sound like such a lovely and caring midwife! You're right - it is easy to forget there are many good ones out there too. I'm sure much of the problems are due to understaffing. It must be so stressful for a midwife to be like on a production line - one babe pops out and you have to rush to the next one.

Love

Monica