13 weeks pregnant and it is back again

[shader]

Hi! I first posted on the forum in the Introduce Yourself section early October although when I suffered from PNI after my son was born (he is now almost 3) I found this site a great reassurance. It feels like a lot has happened in the weeks since I first posted. Infact I don't think I could have predicted it. I won't go over all the details as I do tend to ramble on a bit but I first starting getting the dreaded thoughts and feelings at 8 weeks pregnant and I am now 13 weeks. In my posting I remember feeling despair but also a bit positive in that I was attempting to set up a support network round me and felt I had been through it once before so I knew to ask for help. Things got worse though. Much worse. That same week of posting by the weekend I could barely leave my room. I could not get away from the thoughts, basically I could not function. Dipping in and out of reality, desperately grappling to hold onto who I am. We had to get the doctor in who immediately referred me to the psychiatric hospital that day. They kept me in and I spent almost two weeks in the hospital. Very scary but the nurses were very good, very supportive. My family too have been wonderful, my husband and Mum in particular are just rocks for me. Sorry for going on but this is the first time I have been able to go on the internet which I suppose is a step forward. I am still an in patient but have been home for about a week, just going in every few days to talk to the consultant. It is tough and I have real dips which scare me. I constantly fear losing myself and have developed a fear of going out. I get terribly anxious and can scare myself about anything. We had a bit of a scare about the baby too as I was bleeding whilst in hospital but the scans show it is fine. You can imagine it feels like we are on a rollercoaster. I feel guilty a lot of the time as I have not really got any zest for doing stuff although my husband tells me not to feel like this. I feel this may affect my little boy in some way, he knows that mummy isn't well but he is such a joy so I am hoping he won't be affected. I am on fluoxetine, chlorpromazine and zoplicone as I can't sleep. I worry about all the medication too. Today hasn't been too bad a day so far but I constantly worry about the dips as they are bad. Some of the things I worry about are bizarre and I think I have opened up more in the last two weeks to people than I ever thought possible. I have to keep telling myself this is an illness, it is not me. I am just so worried that this is so early on in the pregnancy to be suffering like this. Has anyone else experienced this ante natally this early? Is it possible it may settle in the middle part of pregnancy? I am hoping so. I have to go to hospital to see the consultant tomorrow. Hospital is scary, it is a mixed ward and although I was lucky I had my own room when I was in there was still a lot of noise and fighting going on which was really frightening. The funny thing is they have a new Mother and baby unit but is for post natal and not ante natal problems. Felt a bit let down by that. Anyway I won't waffle on just wanted to say hello.

[cazfletcher]

i cant really comment on your situation as i dint experience what you have been through, but i just wanted to say that i remember you, welcome back, you are not alone we are all here for you. caz x

[michelle212]

Hiya shader,

So sorry to hear your going through a hard time at the minute. I to am pregnant with second baby just less than 2 weeks to go but i do remember at the start of my pregnancy i was having a hard time with my illness to, the thoughts being the worst!!!! but it did calm down just after 3 months which was a great relief , but sadly for me they got worse at about 8 months of pregnancy but they really only lasted about a week or 2 and now im feeling abit better not 100% me but ok. The midwife did tell me that the start of pregnancy and near the end the hormones go bananas for a while but they do ease in time. You will get through this, if i did it you can do it to!!!!!!

Take care.......

[marion]

HI Shader

I know hospital can be scary - I've been an inpatient with pni for 14mths now and still am. The wards arent mixed here but I can sympathise with you completely. Please dont be scared by hosp - everyone there is trying to help you and you are doing really well to open up to people. Remember to be completely honest when you talk to the dr's - I find that writing it all down helps me. When I see the pschiatrist there are about 5 people in the room which can be daunting so I write a list of everything I want to say so I dont forget to say certain things to the dr. I may look a bit of an idiot with my little peice of paper but it really helps.

I really hope your pregnancy goes well. You are in the best hands as they will monitor you closely and make sure all is well for you and your new baby. Dont worry about taking the meds. They wont give you anything that will hurt your baby and you must trust them. I've found it hard to trust the dr's and it taken me a very long time to get well but I a nearly there with there help.

Lots of love
Marion.

[stevensmummy]

Hi Shader,

I think I also remember you. I just wanted to say that I too had problems in early pregnany with anti-natal depression issues. I found the thought of having pni again too much to bear and at times I feel I never really recovered from my initial bout of pni, which I think contributed to my second time round.

But I am glad to say that my bad times lifted and I was maily ok during my middle and latter preg stages. i think many of the issues arise from the fear of getting it again. I know it is very very hard not to but you should try not to dwel on the issues you are having problems with.

As for the worries with your meds they really will be safe for the baby, they would never have given you something which would risk the baby. I know this as I am not allowed meds for pni, I am breast feeding and have epilepsy and they wont give me due to the combination of the two. I would only get if i stopped feeding.

I hope you are having a brighter day. Will be thinking of you

Sarah x

[shader]

Thanks for the replies. I know I should try not to over worry but some days I just worry about everything, my family, my health etc. It is really reassuring to hear that it isn't just me, it is the nature of the illness I know. Was at hospital today, I have been home for a week although I was still officially an in patient but I have been discharged today. Happy but scared, continue to see me as an outpatient and I also have to see a community psychiatric nurse. Still stress about the meds but I am on a low dose of them all so I should try and calm down. Anybody got any relaxation tips?

[winegirl]

There are some good hypnotherapy relaxation cd's you can buy (I have a couple). And when I went on an anxiety management course they really went on about the power of massage! One thing I have found has always worked for me is reflexology. I was freaking out before going as hate having my feet touched, but it was devine and I was like a different person for a week afterwards! It is good for helping with things like anxiety, stress and any medical ailments you have, its quite fascinating when you get into it!

WG x