anyone self harm

[michelle79]

Does anyone have self harm as one of their symptoms and how do you cope with it. Ive been doing it for nearly two years and lost my son as a comsequence of it. Am I alone in this?

[gizmoracer]

Hi Michelle

I would certainly say you are not alone in this one. There are others on here who self harm or have done so in the past. It is a difficult one to try an explain to people. I suffered depression from long before having children and used to rip my clothes and scratch huge gouges into my skin (I used to have very long sharp nails). Since having PNI I did go back to the scratching and pulling clumps of hair out and I did infact cut the back of my hand once as well. Perhaps I shouldn't be saying this but it felt good at the time and as though I was releasing something. Have to admit I di regret it the following morning when it was very painful. I haven't cut myself since but have had the occasional time when I have gone to do it. I guess I stop myself because it hasn't become a habit. So learning how to stop is something I may not be of much help with. Perhaps you could think of something else to try and pursuade yourself to do instead? Try and think what specifically you do?, why that? and what about it makes you feel good or that it is right at the time? Does that make sence?

I guess what I am trying to say is you don't have to feel alone with this.

[winegirl]

Hi Hun

I used to self harm about 10 years ago and am still not certain why I did it. if you read the text books then the reasons behind it are usually inability to express emotions, cry for help, a feeling of control etc...

I used to cut the tops of my arms, but I now look back and wonder how I did it! Although when I am really really upset it has crossed my mind since.

If you like I can pm you some links to some self help groups for self harming??

WG x

[michelle79]

yeah that would be great to gove me the links.

Just back from a & e after cutting again Had to have 13 staples in my leg I wish i could stop this

Shell

[winegirl]

Oh Shell hun....

I will get those links to you today babes. Do you have much support at home. I used to find that telling someone i was wanting to self harm helped me stop doing it.

You ok today? I am so sorry babes, please feel you can come and talk about it here anytime xx

WG x

[michelle79]

Hiya

I dont have any support at home. I live on my own and dont have much contact with my family and only have one close friend who understands but i cant bother her too much as she has her own family and her own life to lead.

I do this because i am so unhappy and so guilty and angry at myself for getting so ill and for everything thats happened and i miss my son so much it hurts me.

I sometimes tell someone i am wanting to s/h but somedays like yesterday i had to do it anyway and noone would have been able to stop me or make me change my mind. It was a build up of having the urges for the last few days.

I have to stop the s/h if i stand a chance of seeing my son but its so hard. Its the only way i know to cope.

Shell

[monica]

Hello shell

Please dont' blame yourself for your PNI - no one asks to suffer this way, it affects us for various reasons but it's not your fault.

have you approached your dr? There is support out there - perhps yu could be referred for some sort of counselling where they could look at techniques to help you learn how to combat the negative thinking which leads to the need to self harm.

losing your son must be awful, but it seems to me a little unfair that you are being told you can only see your son if you don't self harm ( is that right or have I got the wrong end fo the stick). Self harmijg does not make you a bad mum - on the contrary it is evident you are a great mum and love your little boy so much.

I imagine it is nigh on impossible to stop self harming overnight, just as it is impossible to be able to cope with anxiety or a variety of other symptoms suddenly, but hoepfully you can learn to control it and in time you will beable to stop yourself from doing it. If you don't mind me asking, to minimise the damage you make to yourelf is there any way you can self harm safely? I remember reading something somewhere someonen was trying to introduce a 'safe' kit eg. sterilised stuff to minismise infection.

Have you tried calling samaritans if you feel low? perhps there is a crisis team in your area. Your friend sounds lovely, but it does seem to me you need more support.

How has today been for you?

Love

Monica

[michelle79]

Hi Monica

I have a cpn who i see but he thinks things are ok and has cut my visit to every 3 weeks now. I need to tell him I am struggling so much and i need to be honest with him but im scared to tell him the truth as im worried it will go against me and stop me seeing jack for even longer. I am waiting to be referred for psychotherapy but cant get it til i am s/h free for a few months so thats not going to be this year. I started counselling but it hasnt helped as he wont let me talk about the past and all the things that bother me from the past. He says that its done and cant be changed and doesnt even let me discuss it. He just wants to talk about my future and how i should look at it. Noone seems to be able to help me stop the s/h. I know it has to be me at the end of the day but i feel like i have no support over it.
When i first stopped seeing my son it was because i was having bad thoughts - i was planning his funeral and thinking up ways to kill him and then how to kill myself after the funeral and it was decided it wasnt safe for jack to see me (even though contact was supervised at the time). Although I dont have them thoughts now (thanks to the addition of a new med and also a change in meds) my ex wont let me see him and is now using the s/h as an excuse as well as the way i was feeling.
As for s/h safely - i always use clean blades and cover the cuts up or get treatment if its too bad so i do look after myself in that way but i need to learn not to do it as deep in the first place. I have tried samaritans before but sometimes i find that doesnt help anyway and I just go ahead and cut. I wish I had more support and that they understood more but dont think its going to happen.

Shell

[winegirl]

Hi Michelle,

If you get a sec here are some links for you..

www.recoveryourlife.com/

www.selfharm.net/

www.nshn.co.uk/

www.mind.org.uk/Information/Booklets/Understanding/Understanding+self-harm.htm

I know its not the same as hving someone there to hold your hand, but thought they might be useful to you?

You are not alone, we will do our best to help you through this. Start jumping up and down at the medical proffession and shouting for more help with this, the quicker this is over with the quicker youcan get your life back on track and they need to help you with this!

How are you feeling tonight?

WG x

[michelle79]

Thanks for the links - i will start going through them.

I kep trying to ask cpn for more support with the s/h and he doesnt think there is any. He is willing to give me supoort for other things IF I STOP s/h but until then he wont help me.

I would love to get my life on track but always feel so bad and do bad things that i never get close.

I am feling pretty sad today - got pic of my son sent to my phone by my ex and it upset me as i would lpve to just be able to see him.

Also feeling very worthless and guilty and angry and upset of this horrible illness. Its destroying me. I hate waking up feeling so bad every day. I really want to cry but forcing myself not to as i feel like i am only to blame for everything and shouldnt be allowed to cry.

Shell

[monica]

Hi

Found another site www.selfharm.org.uk - it looks like you can't contact them directly but there are links to other sites many of which WG has mentioned above.

It does sound as if the support you do get is fairly unsatisfactory - I think if there are issues in the past that are having an effect in the present, they need addressing in order to move on.

So pleased meds have helped your thoughts re:son. That is good news and a postive step in your recovery - remember that!! I do know how hard it is to pick yourself up when you feel so low. Unfortunately, as WG said I also found there are many so called professionals out there who aren't that good at all, but please keep trying to find someone who can give you the support you need - you may have to push for it whch is hard too - but there are also very good people out there.

Your self esteem is so low. You have a right to cry for everything you have been through - again, you did not chose to feel this way, just the same way I and others didn't. PNI is a cruel illness. Perhaps you could try everyday to think and concentrate on one good thing about yourself as it's so easy to dwell on all the negative emotions that come with this illness - I can think of several super things about you and I've only just read a few of your posts! You're a loving mum, you're articulate and clever to name a few. Also maybe try and do one pleasureable thing a day for yourself, even if it's going for a walk, swim, reading book. Just an idea, but might be worth a go.

Take care

Monica

[winegirl]

Hi Shell

I think thats great advice from Monica about doing something for you - it will really help you with your confidence and self esteem. Perhaps a Yoga class or something??

How are you doing today? Sorry wasn't around later last night hun. You ok?

WG x

[michelle79]

hi

Got the stitches out of my arm today so i can stop hiding my arms now - if people see the scars it doesnt bother me but i was a bit bothered that they would see the stitches. They checked my leg too to make sure it wasnt infected. Got to wait til next monday before I can get the staples out.

I walked into a charity shop today and out my name down to do some voluntary work. Ive filled the form in and going to go and start tomorrow. Hoping this will get me out of the house and take my mind off things for a while. Feeling bit worried over it though as it means i have to be around other people and that scares me a little but i know i need to do it.

And I have started making an eeyore rug so that fills some of my time.

Feeling a bit better today and a bit more positive but scared to let myself get too high as it never lasts and i dont want to come crashing back down again. Its as if i am stopping myself from being happy because im afraid of getting bad again after having good days. Does that make sense.

Ive still had lots of thoughts to s/h but ive managed to distract myself from them but its getting harder and im worried that im going to give in again by the weekend. The urge just gets too unbearable. Its happened like this the last couple of weeks - ive had the urge for days then given in when its got too much.

Shell

[winegirl]

Hi Shell

Distraction is definately a good idea, keep yourself busy. And when you feel the urge becomes too strong - talk to someone. Some people who are in treatment for self harm have diversion techniques such as drawing red felt tip on themselves to gove the illusion of being cut, or twanging elastic bands on their wrists instead. I also read when I studied self harm that going ballistic, screaming, hitting pillows etc. is a good way of releasing some of the urge to do it...

Will be around tonight if you need a bit of support x

WG x

[monica]

Hello

well done on getting out and about and signing up for voluntary work - it must be hard - but you're taking very significant steps so praise yourseof for that. I totally understand your fears of feeling good then worrying about the lows - it is horrible - but in time these mood changes should lessen.

WG's' tips for disracting yourself and finding less intrusive alternatives of self harming sound good - but if you do do it, try not to beat yourself up about it. I dont' think recovery is an overnight success - certianly wasn't for me with panic attacks etc. the main think is that overall you are getting better. PNI does have highs and lows and that is the nature of the illness.

the rug sounds great - I don't have a creative bone in my body so anyone who can make something like that I am in awe of !

How are you today?

Monica