Is it all really worth it?!

[pirhanamummy]

I'm 33 weeks pregnant today with baby number 3, and will soon have 3 kids under the age of 3.

I have been in and out of hospital, as, according to the doctors, have had too many children too close together and my body isn't coping very well, so have been getting random awful abdomen and back pains that really take it out of me.

I also have SPD so am pretty much housebound, and feel terribly sorry for my kids being stuck in all day every day! I had Homestart come out to me on friday and have been put on a waiting list, but last time it took 3 months before I heard anything back, and chances are bubs will be here by then, and I will be feeling able to do things with the kids again!

My family all live in another town, and the few friends I have all work full time during the day, so as you can imagine I get pretty damn lonely during the week, and only have a 2 year old and a 1 year old to talk to for 5 days!!

DP works away from home, so more often than not I wont see him for 5 days a week, he loves his job, and loves being away, and says he does it for me and the kids, but what he doesn't realise is, I'm not bothered about the money, its not like we have rent or a mortgage to pay for, and can even get by on minimum benefits if need be, so the money to me isn't majorly important! I've tried bringing this up with him a few times, but he just keeps saying 'maybe next year I'll get a 9-5 job'

When he is home he spends the evenings drinking, and is still in bed now! (11.10am ) this weekend he has strimmed the lawn, and half painted a cupboard in the nursery, then later he will take us shopping, some back and sleep all day on the sofa....

I cannot remember the last time he offered to help change a nappy, get the kids out of bed, dress them, play with them, do the washing up etc etc. and I know that when bubs 3 is here that I will have to look after all 3 (4) of them and feel like a bl**dy house servant again!!

Evertime I bring up this problem he just switches off and blames it all on hormones, but its not hormones and its really getting me down! I've mentioned I would be better off single living in my own place and he just shows me the door...!!!!

I really dont know what to do, talking isn't working, and I only get £100 a MONTH to myself, and most of that goes on the bills and the kids, so even if I did try and save up for somewhere to move it'd take me years, and if I go on the council list for a new place that takes years too as I tried before a couple of years ago!!

I dont want to leave him, but I just dont see the point of us staying together if I permanently feel lonely and isolated anyway!

Jessica x x

[sarajay28]

Hi Jessica,

Hunni, i feel for you really i do, i know how difficult it is with 3 kids (although mine are a bit older than yours) I know you say you have tried talking to him about things but have you tried asking him for help? i know this probably sounds daft but maybe just a change in the way you talk to him might make him understand that your asking for help not telling him to do stuff. If you understand what i'm getting at. Its just my OH refuses if i 'tell' him to do things but if i ask him he will gladly help out even if he does moan about it.

Apart from that the only other thing i would sugest is getting back on the phone to Homestart and let them know how desperate you are for their help. It might help or not but is worth a try??

Let us know how you are getting on hunni.

Sarah.xx

[pirhanamummy]

Thanks hun

I've not had chance to talk to him yet, he's been back in bed since 4pm!!! we had a row about 6pm I said that it wasn't fair that he was spending his weekends in bed, and I dont see why he gets days off and he doesn't.

His comeback was, 'well if you dont want me to go to work and get us money.....' something about there being 'no fair' then he turned over and went back sleep!

I feel like picking him up and throwing him out the window ATM he's winding me up that much! I'm not a violent person, but he really is taking the pee!

Jessica x x

[monica]

Hi

I'm not suprised at the way you feel at all. You need support and compassion. Unfortunately it is all too common for men not to be able to give help - they would rather run tothe pub than face the problems. My bf was awful to me when I had pni- his advice said nastily was I had to pull myself together which I found really hurtful, as I would have done if that had been possible. However, someone on here suggested I give him specific tasks to do and that did seem to work. Maybe one thing at a time and praise him for it and tell him how it's made a huge difference !!! It stinks that you have to do things this way. As Sarajay said, if I ask my bf to do something he's more likely to do it than if I tell him and also I can't ask him to do something now (even if it needs doing); I have to make it seem as if he can set his own pace. Bloody hell, they say women are complicated.....

As for other help around the house, have you spoken to your dr/hv? They probably could refer you to an agency or Social services so that someone could come round to help you with cleaning and other tasks that you find hard to manage.

How are you today?

monica