PNI, depression or PP? A Dad in need

[yushi]

Hi guys

I have just joined and have been reading some of the forum posts in the hope that I might find some answers.

My wife gave birth to our beautiful son 6 and a half months ago. She has always been emotional for the 8 years I have known her, but since our baby was born she has become sensitive to the most innocuous of comments.

Since the birth of "C" she has fallen out with my family, her own family and some of her friends to some degree or another. She has periods where she is the happiest lady alive, she is a great Mum and we both share the duties that bringing up a child entails. Other times, normally after one of her "fall outs" with family/friends she becomes almost hysterical, threatens to harm herself and appears to exaggerate small problems into huge mountains.

I am the most patient and placid man you could know but I am worried for my wife. The episodes appear to be happening more regularly and I don't know where to turn. On one occasion I contacted our local GP surgery and spoke to the doctor who offered to come out and visit her at home to see if he could help. When I told her she said that I thought she must be "mad" or "crazy" and that I don't support her. She stormed out of the house and drove away, leaving me to explain to the doctor that she refuses to see anyone.

Every time she has an argument with someone it becomes my fault because she says that I don't stick up for her. There's so much I want to write and I don't know if I'm explaining myself at all well. I am so desperate to get my wife back to her old self. In your opinion(s) does she sound like she is suffering from PNI? Or just plain depression?

Please help, any advice would be gratefully recceived, I am at my wits end.

ps Tonight she is on nights at work and has just sent me a text message saying that my sister in law has upset her and that if I don't stick up for her she will leave me. And so it begins again.................


Many thanks

Yushi

[rocker]

Yushi I'm no medical expert, my wife has had PNI for 3 years but I recognise what you're saying, I am regularly told I take everyone elses side over my wife's, my wife has taken a long time to seek help, when I went to the doctor about her (and at one point her mother accompanied me) she also said I'd be making them think she was crazy and that noone would take our son off her - noone ever suggested it, its not about how she manages with our son its about her full mental well being. My wife has alienated all her close friends, and at times her own family right down to her sister, and currently refuses to speak to anyone on my side of the family...................the silliest things get blown out of all proportion and when I try and suggest in reality they're nothing like how she sees it, then I'm taking everyones side and if I don;'t buck up my ideas she will leave me. I've also been told in the same day that shes not happy, wants to leave...........and that we should think about a sibling for our son?? In my wife's situation she has a "bubble" around how she sees the world and how she thinks it should be and most of the time other than our son, noone is allowed inside that bubble.....................if this sounds familiar to you then all I can suggest is that you ask your wife to speak to the doctor (our health visitor was a waste of time) on her own and ask for help, and offer to help her through this, tell her its not for you, its for her own well being and your sons. My own "story" or rather me and my wife's is on this forum under "3 years on" if its of any use to you....................feel free to give me a shout anytime..................................this is just a blokes perspective I'm sure the very helpful ladies on here will be able to offer more...........

[gizmoracer]

Hi Yushi and welcome to the site. Its nice to see more men joining and wanting so desperatly to help their wives. I think Rocker has covered it very well. None of us on here are medicaly trained to say she is or isn't suffering from PNI for sure but it does sound like a good possibility. As to whether its PNI or just plain depression, thats harder to work out but the chances are it is linked to having the baby, either way she needs to seek help. That unfortunatly is where it becomes difficult, especially for yourself. I too have found health visitors not to be much help but there are some who are very good. Perhaps you could have a word with yours because she could find an excuse to come and see how things are. In order to get her proper help though she will basically need to ask for it herself. Which would mean you getting her and the doc together somehow. As you already know this could be very tricky.

Don't take things too personally though, when a woman is suffereing from PNI they take it all out on those closest to them, its not intentional and she probably doesn't know she is doing it. I found I would push my husband away because I loved him too much to want to drag him into it. Obviously this had the opposite effect on him and he felt that I didn't want to know him.

Feel free to talk on here anytime. I hope we can help you both.

[littlelotty]

Hi Yushi

Welcome to the site xx

I think you are very brave to come on here - it takes a lot for men to do that. I too was in denial i had PNI for 17 months - i ended up leaving my hubby as i said i was 'fine' and that it was him who had the problem. I now know it is me and we got back together and have worked through a lot and been on medication etc. Anyway just trying to say really that it will take your wife to recognise that she has PNI for her to get help. That means that it will be really hard for you and i know my hubby must have a lot patience as i put him through hell and back.

Hang in there and things will get better - support her and be there as much as you can and you will come out the other side.

Keep talking and hope things are ok

Littlelotty
xx

[rachelk]

Yushi,
It's all been said, but just wanted to reiterate a few points. It sounds very much like PNI. I started with almost identical symptoms when my youngest was 12 weeks old. I was (and still am) so sensitive to absolutely anything that anyone said. I couldn't stand anyone near me, I hated everyone (particularly my OH's family) and no-one could do right.

It is the most awful illness in the way it changes your emotional state. You know (at the back of your mind) that you are wrong and that you are being cruel and irrational, but you just can't do anything about it. With me it's like my head pounds and I feel like I am screaming inside. At my worst I hated everyone, but most of all, I hated myself and the worst feeling was that I knew everyone would be better off without me. You may find that she starts to express the desire to 'leave' to 'flee' etc. I had this constantly and I didn't know whether I would leave through physical going away, or whether I would kill myself, but I knew that people here would be better without me.

The only saving grace in it all was that I never had any negative feelings towards my kids (well except for the normal!!), it was all about me, and the people closest to me.

I think a lot of couples split up through this illness, it must be awful being a man who has to live through this, but please don't judge your wife, she is ill and will come through it.

I am a year down the line now and I am a lot better. Although I have to confess that I am still very sensitive to any comment/behaviour and take things very personally. I am also less light-hearted and can't seem to just go-with-the-flow anymore - which is sad as I used to be a really fun person.

Anyway, keep going and please feel free to use this site. It is a life saver.

Take care

Rachx