Varying PP Stories

[Bookwormprincess]

I have just read Elaine Hanzak's Eyes without Sparkle expecting to find my experiences there, but surprisingly they were very different. I developed PP within 5 days of giving birth, was hospitilized for 3 weeks, given anti-pyschotics and anti-depressants then spent a month at my parents with my husband and baby before finally coming home. But Elaine's PP didn't develop until the baby was 5 months old, and I have read another account where the pychosis only appeared after she had had PND for about 8 months. It just goes to show how the illness is so very different for different women.

But needless to say, the feelings of guilt and lack of bonding and being unable to cope with life, feeling suicidal etc. are all too familar for each case. It's good to know that you are not alone and that these terrible thoughts and feelings are happening because you are ill and not because of being you or a bad mother.

My son is now 18 months old and I have been off the anti-psychotics for a month now. They cured the pyschosis within 2 weeks, but in other ways the side-effects have been awful. I've gained 3.5stone and felt numb for the majority of my son's life, unable to fully love, laugh or cry. It's only since coming off them that I feel like the old me again (well, almost). I'm finally able to enjoy my son and tell him honestly and with feeling that I love him.

For the first time since he was born, I feel happy. I still have low days, but not so low that I can't pick up again with a hug or smile from my son. My heart just melted when he called me Mummy for the first time the other day. If you are in the middle of PND or PP, I just want to reassure you that you will get better and there is hope. Last year, all I could see were endless days of the same emptiness and taking care of a baby I couldn't feel anything for - but now, all that has changed. I still find Motherhood a challege and when I'm not at work being at home all day with my baby can be tedious and it's difficult to find fun things to do, but I'm slowly coming round to embracing this new role and all it's challenges.

The experience of PP is still very raw for me and I often have flashbacks to the birth and the days following when the pyschosis set in. I am now trying to write it all down to get some closure and healing and I'm actually thinking of publishing it on a blog or something, although I'm not sure I'm brave enough for that. I feel as though I have been robbed of something precious because of the PP. I physically missed the first month of my son's life which I can never get back, and emotionally I was absent pretty much for his entire first year. Amazingly, and I thank God for this, my son seems completely unaffected by his Mum's illness. He is an exceptionally happy, secure and contented little boy and I love him to bits, as does my husband. My husband deserves a mention because he has been my rock. He was both Mother and Father to my son while I was in hospital and took care of both of us in the months following. For the sake of his health and mine, our sympathetic GP signed him off for a total of 9 months after I became ill. His support at home was invaluable to my recoverey. I dread to think how I would have coped if I'd had to look after my son alone during that time.

Reading other people's accounts made me realise how fortunate I was with my PP experience because I didn't actually succeed in hurting myself, although I did make one attempt to do so whilst in hospital. And I was also lucky that it responded so well to medication and didn't need ECT or a stay in a Mother and Baby Unit. But just like all the others I had considerable stress involved in getting diagnosed and receiving help in the first place. I am actually shocked that a potentially life-threatening mental illness that affects 2-3 in every 1000 women who give birh, is not given more attention during ante-natal care or more publicity so that people know what signs to look for etc. I know we shouldn't scare women into not having children, but surely something should be done. At least, educate midwifes, GPs and health visitors. Depsite having a history of depression myself, not once was the risk of developing PND assessed during my ante-natal care. I certainly didn't think I would get it as I was on a high about being pregnant and having a baby.

I am actually thinking about having another baby. Am I mad? I am scared that it may happen again as the risk is worse second time round, but with proper care and assesment I feel I will be ok. I just don't want my son to be an only child. But I will wait a while before we go down the road of pregnancy, birth and newborn again, because I want to enjoy my family the way I should have 18 months ago.

Sorry this is such a long post! Didn't realise I needed to get that off my chest.

[HintOfSunshine]

Hello Bookwormprincess,

Your experience of PP sounds very similar to mine. Mine came on 4 days after the birth and I was hospitalised for 2 weeks. Everything you said about the first year rang so true with me especially the bit, ’I've gained 3.5stone and felt numb for the majority of my son's life, unable to fully love, laugh or cry. It's only since coming off them that I feel like the old me again (well, almost). I'm finally able to enjoy my son and tell him honestly and with feeling that I love him.’ I felt exactly the same.

I’m 3 years on now and after reading this bit, ‘The experience of PP is still very raw for me and I often have flashbacks to the birth and the days following when the psychosis set in. I am now trying to write it all down to get some closure and healing’, I just wanted to say that the closure does come, it just takes time, and all the sadness, anger and resentment for those missed times definitely all goes!

It’s such an incredibly tough thing to have to go through but there are definitely good things that come out of it – the amazing bond we now have with our sons! ;D ;D ;D

Good luck if you decide to have another child, personally I’ve chosen not to and am happy with my decision. Just being aware of PP and knowing the signs to look for will obviously be major benefits and I’m sure you’d be closely monitored at all times.

All the best ,take care loads,
Axx

[Bookwormprincess]

Thanks Andrea, I'm sorry you had PP too but it's good to know that closure just come and that the difficult feelings go in time.

You're right, the bond we now have with our boys makes it all worth it.

N x

[lostforever]

Bookwormprincess

I read your post and felt so much empathy with your experience. Whilst I did not suffer with PP I did suffer badly wtih PND which went undiagnosed for 5 months. The feelings you mention are exactly what I experienced and I wonder if coming off my antid's will allow me to actually feel more in my life as I act very nonchalently about things and don't feel much.

I am so pleased you are recovering enough to consider another child. A friend of mine suffered with PND but on the 3rd pregnancy she was free and clear of it as she felt more in control to what she was doing compared to the first two births.

It is like the sun coming up when you start to feel better - don't you think?

Good luck with everything.

[Bookwormprincess]

Hi Lostforever,

Thanks for commenting on my post. Even though I don't want others to have gone through what I did it's good to know that people understand and can empathise. I think PP at the start is very different to the way PND starts because of the psychosis and the usually sudden onset, but once that dissapates the depression of the two versions of PNI is extremely similar.

I do hope you feel more alert and able to feel more when you come off the anti-depressants. Personally I don't have that side-effect from anti-depressants, they help me more than hinder me in that way, but I definitely felt like that with anti-psychotics. ALTHOUGH, one psychiatrist told me that it could have been the illness making me feel nothing rather than the medications and that when I came off them I was getting better at exactly the same time. Coincidence perhaps??? I don't know what to think, but I kind of hope he is right since I will have to go one them again after any subsequent deliveries to try and prevent PP and I definitely don't want to be numb again for the first few months of a new baby's life.

Thanks for the story about your friend. I always like to hear that women go on to have other babies without PND returning.

Yes, you are exactly right with your analogy about the sun coming up. I'm so glad you feel that too.

Take care