PNI and divorce

[Jonny]

Hello, I'm new and having read a lot of the posts on here from men, like them, I am at the end of my tether.

My wife is divorcing me - papers arrived yesterday.

Our story is this - 16 months ago our 3rd child arrived, 2 months premature weighing 2 lbs. Wife and baby almost died on the way to hospital and in theatre due to a ruptured placenta. Anyway, after 6 weeks in hospital baby came home for 5 days but contracted meningitis and spent another 6 weeks in hospital.
Wife wanted to breastfeed baby for the maximum length of time - in fact she managed almost 12 months but because baby was so tiny, she needed feeding 3-5 times a night. Consequently wife was permanently knackered, and then tearful in the day - especially as our 11 and 8 yr olds are typical kids and quite demanding.
I put the tears and her comments of 'I should feel exceptonally happy but I feel really low' as baby blues and tiredness.
She refused all help from me - she wouldn't even express milk so that I could feed with a bottle.
Wife picked on me constantly for the slightest thing, and when I tried to calm her for shouting at the older kids she screamed at for not supporting her with the discipline.

In February wife told me that her feelings towards me had changed. She refused to go to counselling, and then visited a solicitor and divorce is now under way. Her reasons? I have kept her in poverty for 15 yrs (in a 5 bedroom house with a new car and holidays every year), I don't support her with the discipline of the children, I don't smile enough and I control her life...

Only when a friend of my wife's suggested PNI, did I look online... the stories on here made me cry because they replicate what I am going through - except that she refuses to see a doctor, denies it is anything to do with her or childbirth - that it is all my fault. And yet I could not be a more hands on dad or a better husband, doing housework, taking the kids out for hours, spoiling her with flowers and treats.

My wife has always had depressive tendencies - but looking pack at the other births - we moved house within 6 months of each of the older children being born because she wasn't happy, that neighbours annoyed her or she thought a neighbour was trying to control her behaviour. Paranoia in other words. Why oh why didn't I realise it at the time.

Some advise that PNI will pass. Others say it might last years. I haven't got years - she wants a divorce and she wants to sell our house so that she can live alone with the kids and I can live in a cardboard box just big enough for a bed.

Any suggestions?

Jonny

(I am already seeing a psychologist for my own stress...)

[gizmoracer]

Wow thats a hard one!.

Firstly of course welcome and well done for finding us and working out the problem. Quite often the obvious stears us in the face for years without it sinking in and it probably is for her too. My hubby didn't relise how ill I was for years and now carries a huge amount of guilt around with him because of it. So my immediate advice would be don't blame yourself, now you do know whats going on you can work at trying to help.

I'm assuming that she is in complete denial. Which unfortunatly makes life much harder for you. I was only diagnosed because my Mum tricked me into going to the docs by saying she had an appointment and asked me to go with her. It wasn't till they called my name that I found out what was going on. Do you have any contact with the Health visitor? Could you perhaps see her and ask that she try to chat to your wife on the basis that you think she could be suffering with pni? Or maybe even a friend or family member? If you are going to try and get her some help it's important to be careful how you go about it. Obviously you don't want her or anyone else to think you are backlashing and questioning her skills as a mother.

Sorry if thats not been of much help, it's all I can think of at the moment.

[jonny]

I seem to drift from day to day, most of the time convinced that my wife is suffering from PNI, but at other times I find myself believing that my wife simply doesn't love me anymore. Maybe it is just a coping mechanism for the likely outcome.
The therapist I am seeing believes that my wife is suffering from some form of psychological disorder. The fact that so many 'incidents' have happened would support this.
My GP agrees, and having spoken today to our HV, she agrees also, although she suggested that Bi-polar disorder is also a consideration. Perhaps because of my wife's teen psychaitric issues - but also because I remembered this morning that even before we had children, my wife would have days (sometimes over a week) of black moods when she could see nothing positive in the world. This was when we were still going out together and when we were newly weds. I even tried to map these occasions against her periods in case it was hormone based. There seemed no correlation with her periods, and I tried that for about a year.
I seem to have wiped this from my memory until this morning. (Interestingly this is a feature of my ever-optimistic outlook - forget the bad times and remember the good times - which contrasts completely with my wife's ever pessimistic viewpoint.)
Having just read up on BP disorder, it is apparent that it can exacerbate PNI... so there is a potential link there.

Look at me Dr Jonny diagnosing... and there is the rub. The HV says that she would not be able to visit without being open and honest that she had received a 'referral' from me - and that would mean my wife would go bloody crazy at me. Possibly forever.

Should I take the risk and let the HV visit or try to keep the peace by not inviting her?
My brain is saying get the HV there, it will be right in the long run. My heart is saying keep the peace and give it time.
Advice please...

Jonny

[caterina]

Hey Johnny
My advice is get that HV in. Yes your wife might go nuts at you and it will undoubtedly cause an uncomfortable situation but you and your wife need help, your HV might be the person who can provide that help - even just talking to your wife about PNI, reassuring her that she's ill - something might sink in.
Best of luck x

[Weeble]

Hi Johnny

I agree with Caterina I think you need to get that HV in. I know it will be extremely difficult for you and it may not result in the outcome you want but you need to put the health of your wife and children ahead of everything at the moment. The more I have looked into PNI with my own illness the more I have understood that getting the parents better is the key for the whole family.

My HV's have been superb and extremely sensitive to my illness and the relationship with my OH they see a lot of PNI and are very experienced in getting people the right help.

I thought that your father in laws attitude to your wifes mental health will have made it very difficult for her to accept that she has PNI and very difficult for her to admit that to you. A different person like a HV may be much easier for her.

Good luck

Kat

[jonny]

Thank you Caterina and Kat,
Your responses hit the spot and support the decision I had come to myself this morning. Wife became hysterical out of the blue this morning, phoned her mum and twisted everything I had just been saying to her out of context. Completely irrational. Unfortunately our children saw it all and they were upset.
My 8 yr old called my wife her 'horrible mummy' today which upset my wife no end, which resulted in her shouting at my daughter even more... thus reinforcing what my little girl already thought. Hmm.

I thought I was getting somewhere tonight. I won't give all the details as to how we got there, but my wife asked me to explain why I thought she had PNI. I went through the main milestones over the past 10 years and indicated that we could get some support and get through this.
Unfortunately my wife became upset (though she didn't shout for a change) and simply told me that whilst I may be certain that she is mentally ill (her phrase), the one thing she is certain of is divorce. Her face was full of hate when she said this. It is quite tough to hear.

My question to you ladies is this - during the periods when you hated/resented/disliked your partner, was it constant, full on dislike, or were there periods when you still loved him?
My wife's dislike for me has just got stronger and stronger since February - with no let up, no temporary thawing of the ice queen. Does this make sense with you? Shouldn't PNI have periods of love, when the 'depression' lifts for a bit?

I'll speak to the HV tomorrow. She may be able to put me out of my misery... at least if the HV says 'nope you're wrong, she hasn't got PNI, she just hates you', I'll know where my future lies...

Jonny

[caterina]

Hi Johnny
I'm sorry but the only person who can tell you if she still loves you is your wife. At the moment she is ill, there is no question of that and you're doing your very best to get her help, which is a great thing to do - so many would have walked away.
She definitely needs that HV visit, your kids are becoming affected and believe me your wife doesn't WANT to feel like this, she hates herself and how she treats everyone around her, she is probably wracked with guilt at lashing out at everyone but she's so far down into her depression she doesn't know how to get herself out again.
This is all coming from personal experience Johnny, I don't think I ever hated my hubby as such, I resented him that he wasn't suffering like I was (and my god that's something that's hard to admit even now) I wouldn't wish this godawful illness on anyone. But I was medicated and recovered relatively quickly - if you can call 2 years quickly - but by recovered I don't mean I woke up one morning chirping with the birds, it was a gradual process, I'd achieve small things (take the baby out on my own, drive, get through a day without crying) and gradually the good days outweighed the bad. My eldest is now 4 and I will admit to the odd black day when I can feel like I did when I first had PNI but I've just accepted this is me now and it never lasts longer than 24 hours - and they are few and far between. I am still medicated from my 2nd child (20 months) but the difference is that I accepted help. I'm not criticising your wife at all, she has to take her own path through this, but she needs guidance just now - again this is just my personal opinion - my husband pretty much tricked me into going to see the doctor via an immunisation clinic.....I was livid don't get me wrong, but deep down relieved, I was ill, I wasn't going crazy, I didn't have to live the rest of my life feeling like this. You have mentioned medication in the past, do you think she would go back on them? There's obviously other options - CBT, herbal remedies, but to be honest Johnny it sounds like she needs to be medicated just to get back on an even keel and then you can talk about your marriage. It's pointless talking to her about it just now as she can't get anything straight in her head and she's hurting the ones closest to her - which we all do when we're hurting. Is it tomorrow the HV comes? Let us know how you get on, remember if your wife wants to come on the site too, she's very welcome, doesn't have to join up or anything, she can just have a look around and might realise she's not alone, there's lots of us out here, all at different stages of recovery. Good luck x

[caterina]

Sorry I meant to answer your point about the 'depression lifting' no, it doesn't work like that, or at least it didn't with me, I felt awful constantly, there was no respite. It's such a difficult call to make for you as your marriage is on the line, I really hope you guys can get some help.

[Weeble]

Hi Jonny

Totally agree with Caterina's point. A few extra things to say, firstly have you thought about telling your wife that you have told the health visitor and why. This means she hears it from you and not the HV.

On your divorce, it may still happen even when she gets treatment, it may be part of her recovery but you and the children will all find it much easier. With my PNI my anger and pain was expressed at those closest too me, my OH, my mother, my new baby. I thought I was being unreasonable in those feelings and so tried to hurt myself. In the end I learned that my OH had to change as well for me to get better and our marriage is better than ever now. So anything can happen just dont expect it to turn out as you plan and for the end state to be quick.

I hope today and the next few days go well

Kat

[caterina]

Hi Johnny
Just checking in to see how you are and how the situation at home is progressing x

[jonny]

Hi Caterina and thanks.
So much has happened in the last week or so - but an abridged version here goes -
Mother in Law came to visit last wednesday and I managed to explain my concerns to her - that wife has an underlying depression which has been exacerbated by PNI.
She refused to listen to me, basically calling me a liar, that my wife was completely fine. Even when I told her that my wife had been for psychological counselling in 2000 about her perception that she had been abused as a child by her parents (immediately after the birth of our first child) - mother in law said I was exaggerating.
Mother in Law has her head in the sand, partly because she wants an easy life but mainly because she doesn't want someine her family labelled as 'mental'.
I am quite proud of myself for bringing this up with her though.
Thankfully the HV does believe me and has managed to arrange a home visit this week. I must say though that I am losing hope, even with the HV. I firmly believe I am going to lose my family and wife to this illness, which makes me unbelievably sad.
Interestingly since the mother in law's visit, wife has been much more settled in her mood - there has been no tears that I have seen and not much shouting either. I'm sure it cannot last but it has been more bearable in the house.

Fingers crossed for the HV visit...

Jonny

[juppster]

Hi Jonny

Just thought I would pop by and see how things were going? Have you had the HV visit yet? I truely hope things are improving for you all xx

[jonny]

Hi Juppster,
Thanks for the thought but sadly no. The HV has visited, but irritatingly hasn't contacted me, even though she said she would. It is a positive that the HV has visited, and a second one is that my wife has said she has also been to the GP. (I can't be certain though.)
I know I shouldn't expect sudden improvements but wife is colder than ever and just as angry with me - except that instead of being angry with me for keeping her in poverty (see my story above), she is now angry for making 'allegations that she is mentally ill' (her words, not mine).
If she is not unwell, she is behaving in an unbearably, heartachingly, knife twistingly nasty way. I just cannot believe she is the same sweet natured, loving girl that I married.
Divorce is gathering pace, house will be on the market next week and I am hoping for a miracle. I watched Bruce Almighty last night and I thought 'I could do with a bit of that!'
My own therapy sessions have been quite beneficial, and I was feeling quite positive a few days ago, but not today. My sessions have uncovered an awful lot of 'stuff' that must be going through my wife's head. Stuff that will need months and months of therapy to peel away and deal with. Unfortunately I don't have months.

Jonny x

[winegirl]

Hi Jonny

Even if your house sells and the divorce comes through, this does notnecessarily mean the end. I am not saying you should pine for her every day of your life, as it may well be that this is a decision regardless of PNI.

But if this is PNI, and she recovers, the house and the divorce are minor points in it all. All you can do now is keep yourself well and let her know gently that you are there for her.

I am glad you are having therapy yourself and finding it beneficial. Too many partners I come across do not get the support they need.

Do keep talking here if it helps, we will always do our best to support you through this.

Take Care

WG x

[juppster]

Hi Jonny

Im so sorry things have not improved but as WG says, although it doesn't feel like it the house and the divorce are not necessarily the end. I cant imagine the heartache you are going through at the moment but the fact that you are getting therapy for yourself shows your strength of character and that you are trying to do the best for your wife and for you, and you can do no more than that.

As WG says, do keep talking here if you find it helps, we will always be listening, even if the outcome isn't what you would have wished for xx