Feelings of depersonalisation and unreality

[mnfmum]

Hello ladies

I hope that you are all doing ok and that you are managing to enjoy the lovely weather that we have been having. I have had 2 sessions of accupuncture since my last post and have a lot more good days marked on my calender so something is working!. I'm going to try some chinese herbs too. I'm still on sertraline and the Dr gave me some propranolol but Im not convinced that they're for me. I still have a dreadful appetite and struggle to sleep without nytol. The anxiety and a panic is still there but as I say there are good days coming through which is wonderful.

I have an overwhelming sense of unreality which I am rarely free of. I know that Im a real person and the family and friends around me are real too it just feels bizzare. the other day I burnt my finger badly on my straighteners and in an almost sick way I was glad when it hurt like hell, blistered and bled because it meant that I was a person who still felt pain and bled like a 'normal' person!!!. Have any of you felt like this? I have been in similar position years and years ago and came through it in the end so I know that I will this time, its just torture at the moment!!!

Take care all of you, keep fighting

Lots of love

xxxxx

[caterina]

Hiya mnfmum
I'm glad to read you're having better days - marking them on the calender is a great idea, it's something to lok at while you're feeling low. The anxiety and panic are difficult ones to control - I take fluoxetine (prozac) which I can only describe as a 'settler' I'm on a complete plateau, no major downs but no major ups either, it's difficult to explain, I can still feel bad or happy but only to a certain degree - but my anxiety is controlled (mostly). I did find that with my first bout of PNI (this is my 2nd time round) that the anxiety did go, but it took a while, I lost a lot of confidence and it's taken a lot to get it back, I'm still not where I once was but a hell of a lot better! So it does improve.

As for the unreality, I can relate to this to a certain degree, I've been in situations where I've thought 'am I really here' and feel like doing something inappropriate just to make sure. again this was while i was really ill and has lessened to almost nothing now so it will lessen too. Burnt fingers on straightners, oocha bugger - but I can understand that feeling - physical pain makes it all more real as mental pain is so much more difficult to define or sort out.

You've got a great positive attitude which is fantastic and keep fighting!
Keep talking too, we're all here xx

[winegirl]

Hi Hun

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone with the derpersonalisation... When I was at mt worse, i definately suffered this way. It was one of the hardest symptoms for me personally I think because no matter how hard I tried to explain it to people it never really sounded as bad as it was! (if that makes sense..)

However, for me it was also probably the shortest lived experience on the whole, and I hope this is the same for you too...

How have yu been doing today?? Hope things are appearing brighter for you x

Take Care

WG xx

[mnfmum]

Hi WG
Thanks so much for your reply, it really helps to know that other people have felt this horrible feeling and come out the other end!. I have had something similar many years ago and know that following it I recovered and acomplished many things a 'normal' person would in the years that followed, it just seems like forever at the moment!.

I am having more good days than bad to write on my calendar and when I went out the other day I bought myself a butterfly so I can wear it and look at it and remind myself that I am working to give myself back my wings to fly. I have had a good day today but have still looked at it, I thinked it helped. I have a pre counselling assesment on Friday at the locall women's centre, run by volunteers, it is held in high regard by a lot of people and was recommended to me by my amazing health visitor. She came to see me today and said how lovely it was to see me improve, I don't see it so clearly but it helps to know others can!!!. I ahd a crap nights sleep last night so that hasn''t helped, how long do you think it took you to start sleeping more normally?.

Thanks to you and all for your kind support it is quite literally a lifesaver!.

I love your name by the way, I can't ever iamgine getting back on the 'wine train' as me and my best friend call it, I'm afaid to drink on my meds as I don't want to have a funny turn!!!.

Take care

Lots love

xxxxxx

[winegirl]

Im afraid to say hun I drank before, during and after the meds! Guess I must just have a hifh tolerance for it (do need to cut down tho..)

Its great that your HV can see an improvement! I know that I often felt like i was taking one step forward and two steps back, but when other people identified with me that I was making progress, it certainly helped.

We have a womens centre here in Nottingham that sounds like the one you are attending, and I know that ours is fab. Best of luck for your assessment with them tomorrow and do let us know how it goes.

Take Care

WG xx

[mnfmum]

Hi WG
thnaks for your reply, I'm looking forward to going tommorow and also am looking into arts on prescription too run by our local heakthy minds team. What with all these and the accupuncture and drugs/chinese herbs I should be mentally gleaming in time eh?!?.

xxxxxx

[caterina]

Mentally gleaming!
Love it xxxx

[mnfmum]

Hi WG

Hope youre having a good weekend. My pre counselling assesment went really well, there is a 6 week waiting list but I am still going to go even if I'm feeling amazing by then because it might help some of my problems which are unrelted to PNI like OCD!. I realise I have had this for most of my life and have just laughed at myself and got on with it when I might be able to have some help with it.

I had my sister round on Friday night and went to her house last night with a friend we haven't seen for ages so thats been lovely. I'm going walking with one of my running ladies on Tuesday and meeting all fo them on Thursday night so I'm maybe maybe getting there!!!. I had accupuncture again on Friday, he gave me the herbs to take and hopes that in a couple of week she will be able to send me home with 3 months of them to take as maintenance. I have also slept for the last 2 nights with just a Rescue Remedy night pearl which is amazing, can't believe it!. Still feel anxious when 1st wake up but less so. How long were you before you could really say that you were better?.

I found today that instead of panicking about being with the children which is plain mad anyway, I was looking forward to it, lovely job!.

Sorry this is so long as always, its bloody good to talk!!!.

Tons of love
xxxxx

[wokette]

Hi there

Just wanted to say it sounds like you are doing really well, its so nice to feel the good days coming back - even one at a time ! When I first started going for counselling what helped me was to keep a diary - on bad days I would write pages and pages, let it all spill out, and on good days often I would just write 'Good Day' or something. Then I would count up how many good days and bad days I had had in a week.

After about 4-6 weeks I got bored of this and sort of forgot about it, which is a great sign that you are getting better and you don;t need to offload so much any more.

I echo what the other said about the HV seeing an improvement in you, it must be there - a bit more life in your eyes and your smile perhaps !

Don;t worry if you have bad days mixed in there too, just look back at your posts on this thread and see that you can be happy and positive about life when the real you shines through and one day you will be back on an even keel and enjoying life again.

love

Wokette

[caterina]

Wow mnfmum!
You're doing great, well done you!
You sound so positive and like wokette says it's great that you're having so many good days!
I hope things continue to go well for you xx