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Post by Bookwormprincess on Feb 10, 2011 20:24:38 GMT
Glad you are happy with your current psychiatrist. Terrible that the pct refused to pay. Hope your dr can help on Monday. Be totally honest with her about all your symptoms. It's worth pursuing getting the balance of medication right, it can make all the difference. I can see why you might not want to change, but perhaps it's just a dosage issue than anything else.
If you don't mind me asking have you ever had a firm diagnosis? The reason I ask is because if it is PP then Dr Ian Jones offers second opinion consultations. He's a leading expert in the area and has been very helpful to me. It doesn't even cost your pct anything either, somehow the costs come from his end in Cardiff.
Let us know how you get on. Thinking of you x
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Post by Weeble on Feb 10, 2011 20:38:13 GMT
No my diagnosis is severe pnd with PTSD ( multiple ) although I have never told them about some of my symptoms because I was too scared only my psychologist knows about being invisible and the concrete thoughts. My oh and I have agreed to tell them on monday.
Kat
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Post by Bookwormprincess on Feb 10, 2011 20:58:22 GMT
I can understand about being too scared. I've been there too, but they are just thoughts generated because you are ill. They are not the real you. I'm so glad you've agreed to talk about everything on Monday. It'll be difficult but make it much easier for you to get the right treatment. Your OH sounds supportive.
I asked about the diagnosis because some of the things you've described here and in other posts sound like aspects of psychosis, feeling out of control of your actions and the paranoia too. Severe PND does include psychotic elements too. The labels can intertwine in my opinion, some pni falls easily into categories, like mine which was severe classic PP, and others don't. But what matters is that we all get the right treatment and will get better and come out the other end.
Hope it goes well Monday. X
P.S. Have you ever read Elaine Hanzak's book Eyes Without Sparke? It's a good story of severe postnatal illness and recovery.
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Post by Bookwormprincess on Feb 10, 2011 21:11:15 GMT
Sorry to hear about the PTSD, I'm finding the trauma of my birth and psychosis tough to deal with even 3 years on and am about to start some therapy around that to try and help. I hate that I still keep thinking about what happened even now. Was yours related to the birth or something different? Sorry for all the questions, you don't have to share anything you don't want to. X
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Post by Weeble on Feb 10, 2011 21:17:14 GMT
Yes I agree, seen six psychs and they have all said it's massive life stress. My psychologist knows everything and she says it's not psychosis, it's a hammered brain that thinks it's dead and is trying to grasp reality. I have very intense flashbacks and they say I am experiencing all these unresolved emotions from my past. My life can read like a mad novel at times. Recently, I was told I felt very very unsafe as a child my mother had very severe problems after my sisters died and that is what drives the fear and panic. I feel that a diagnosis of pp would be easier in so many ways than multiple trauma and PTSD because all the drugs can do is stop the symptoms not take away the memories and thoughts.
They know about the paranoia, always been a little like that, particularly when very tired and ill.
Kat
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Post by Weeble on Feb 10, 2011 21:30:47 GMT
Just saw your second post, yes I had a nightmare delivery with my second son with a complication which was missed and could have made me extremely ill without the crash section. I walked round for the last four weeks of the pregnancy in horrible pain. Just before the section, they tried to force me to have forceps against my will, I had specifically said no in my birth plan and repeatedly refusing to sign the consent form. As I lay on the bed with loads of drugs on board, my mind went oh no not again, not again. I was tormented by what came out then for a long time and what continued to fall out. But now we have finally worked out what it is. I just need to deal with it. It was another trauma. But I have a lot of other stuff, a few years ago my oh and his best friend were in a horrific climbing accident, I have been assaulted and a found a baby dead that's mother had killed it. It's all fallen out along with a load of other stuff and I have to stick it back for the sake of my children.
I do also have some really horrible issues from the depths of my illness, the day I nearly got sectioned because I was so suicidal, the day my gp got an emergency psych out and she brought a man into my house specifically against my wishes. The deepest memories which they have decided are dissociative events where I relive the memory as if it was real. These things are on my list to talk out too.
What sort of therapy are you doing? It's very hard but it does work? One of my psychs told me it may take me five years.
Kat
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Post by Bookwormprincess on Feb 10, 2011 22:02:15 GMT
Thanks for sharing Kat, it's brave of you to write it down. You've been through so much, it's no wonder your mind is under strain.
I can understand why you say a different diagnosis would seem easier but even then the drugs haven't got rid of my memories of how traumatic it was for me so they can't do it all for us. I'm glad it's not psychosis and you haven't had to have your mind go completely all out "mad" in that way. That's how I describe what it was like for me. What does your Dr mean by a brain that thinks it's dead? That you actually think you're dead at times? That was my main delusion whilst psychotic. Horrible, horrible. But all in the past now and I am better. You'll get there too.
I think people underestimate how traumatic birth can be for some. I have a few friends who say they loved every minute and each week they watch "One born every minute" to relive it. I just can't relate, although my second birth was so much better so I can look on that one much more easily. I'm sorry you had such a rough time too.
Previously I've had psychodynamic therapy and also some CBT for about 3 years before I had any children relating to coping with chronic pain and linked depression. So I think the expectation of 5 years could be right, like you say it's hard work but worth it. I'd recommend it to anyone who is struggling with all sorts of issues. I don't know what kind of therapy my psychologist is going to do with me. I'll let you know, but it's only a short term thing as I'm about to be discharged after 3 years under EIP. If I feel it helps and I need more I'm guessing I might need to be referred elsewhere.
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Post by Weeble on Feb 11, 2011 9:55:06 GMT
Hi bwp
It must have been horrible and very scary to have pp. I thought about what you wrote, all the things like paranoia, feeling dead or unreal, lacking control are all psychological I understand. I guess we both experienced them in my case because I was so scared of the memories and in your case the pp. I am sure I can not imagine what the mad mind was like, but for me I was so scared, so frightened, where ever I looked in felt attacked and unsafe. I didn't dare tell a soul because I didn't believe people would believe me.
The therapy sounds helpful, I have done quite a lot of trauma work with my psychologist and it does really work you just need to be brave and say everything out load, don't keep any thought inside or hidden.
Thanks for chatting
Kat
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Post by Bookwormprincess on Feb 12, 2011 21:45:58 GMT
Thanks Kat, I'm looking forward to starting the therapy if you know what I mean.
Yes it was the most frightening experience of my life, and the intense fear is hard to forget. Whatever the label, both our experiences have been very frightening. At other times in my life I have experienced misplaced fear or irrational fear that seems unbearable and it stems back to things in my past so I can understand what you mean, although I've not experienced the traumas you have.
Thanks for chatting too. Hope your recovery continues at a good steady rate and that you have more good days than bad very soon. X
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Post by Weeble on Feb 13, 2011 9:57:21 GMT
Hi bwp and hos
So totally agree there is no easy diagnosis, in many ways the diagnosis is irrelevant. But thank you for allowing me to be open on this thread. I like you too have experienced horrific irrational fear, the world seemed to be destroying me. I did not dare tell a soul because I did not believe they would believe me. I have been talking to another pp survivor over the last few days and with this thread it has helped me reach acceptance on the memories. I have felt for a long time, that if they were not real I could just forget them and the torment would go away, the horror of what my mind spewed out was not real. What I have learned from you guys is this would not be true, I need to accept them and deal with them thank you. The other thing I have wondered whatever drives the fear, the horrific irrational fear of pni it is total torment. You guys have given me hope though it can be accepted and put away in a filing cabinet.
Thanks
Kat
P.s. Hos great to hear from you
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Post by Weeble on Feb 24, 2011 21:51:13 GMT
Hi bwp
Can I ask did the quertiapine make you feel drunk K
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Post by Bookwormprincess on Feb 24, 2011 22:20:54 GMT
Kat, I was encouraged to read your previous post, particularly that the discussions on here have helped you realise that acceptance can be reached. I still struggle at times because the memories are very vivid and painful but since I've been more open about the delusions and the way I was treated as well as begun talking to my psychologist I find I am having less flashbacks. I'm not sure that the filing cabinet as you put it will ever be locked and not opened every now and then, but I have hope that the pain when it is opened will be less and less if I deal with it in a healthy way now.
As for quetiapine, it never made me feel drunk, but definitely very sleepy and sometimes light headed. Alcohol can have that effect too. The elation episode in my psychosis could be thought of as similar to being drunk but I never felt that from the medication. What exactly is it you've been feeling? Can you describe it?
Hope you're ok.
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Post by Weeble on Feb 25, 2011 12:41:08 GMT
Hey bwp just noticed you have gone blue that's good news. So I have noticed every night since I increased my dose two weeks ago. I get to a point about two hours after I have taken the drug when I feel like I did when I was younger been out at the pub and clubbing and just got home.
I feel like I have alcohol on board, disinhibited, I call it my truth serum, disconnected and fuzzy like I have been listening to loud music all night and quite sleepy. It does feel like the end of a big night. After a bit more one night I stayed up to long I will eat anything and feel like I feel super positive very bouncy very safe and over confident. It's wierd. The next day I am fine again.
Bwp I really understand the memories, how vivid and horrible. My worse ones I totally detach from the real world and I am back at the time and place of the event. I have memories of the memories coming out when I was really ill, but I am slowly unpicking each one and understanding them, it's very painful at the time but once finished you find acceptance. Persevere take the pain and the poignancy and pain of the memories will be taken from them and you will have peace. If you want to talk more about it do, I don't understand the delusions but I do understand the memories, the fear, the horror, the hallucinations and the pain.
Kat
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Post by Weeble on Feb 27, 2011 20:38:18 GMT
Drugs got me into trouble last night, truth serum answered my husband a little too honestly
Kay
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Post by Bookwormprincess on Feb 27, 2011 23:28:57 GMT
Thanks Kat, yes I'm blue! Very honoured to help out by moderating.
I don't think the "drunk" feeling is a normal side effect, so I would suggest you speak to your doctor and describe to her what you have described here. It shouldn't really be incapacitating you in that way each night in my opinion. I have experienced that "super" sort of exagerrated feelings while I was psychotic in hospital, and it was always after I'd taken the olanzipine at night - I felt as though I was super strong and could do anything, it was scary. But I never had anything like that in response to taking the meds once I was well again. Let me know what your Doctor thinks.
Sorry to hear it got you into trouble last night, I hope your husband understands that you weren't feeling quite yourself.
Yes, thanks for the encouragement about the memories. I'm definitely going to plough through with the therapy.
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