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Post by xxellaxx on Oct 4, 2011 15:10:23 GMT
Hi all, I haven't posted for a while so thought I better come on and post an update, it's been a hard few weeks, but they said with CBT things will get harder before better. I had my 3rd CBT today, and for the first time I am REALLY starting to understand where all this is coming from. My anxietys go way back to my childhood, I am pretty amazed how this all works and I can see it all unfolding in front of me. The things I worried about as a child, I took as normal then, but I was constantly anxious and worried, it effected every day of my life, I had major OCD growing up. The pregnancy has brought everything on again, health anxiety, deppression etc. The lady who does my cbt thinks I need pyhcology (sp) also, she's going to talk with her senior this week. Time goes fast, Ella is now 19 weeks old - I can't believe it, I am still angry that I am missing out on so much with her but I will have to accept it and look forward to getting better now.
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Post by Weeble on Oct 4, 2011 19:00:54 GMT
Hi Gail
You are making such progress proud of you
Kat
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Post by juppster on Oct 5, 2011 6:31:52 GMT
Hey, great to hear from you. Im so glad you feel the cbt is helping, yes it is bloody hard and painful but in the long term so good for you. Keep going girl, you are doing great xx
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Post by xxellaxx on Oct 10, 2011 20:47:13 GMT
I've hit rock bottom now. My thoughts of me being a bad mum are killing me, I think the only thing better for Ella is if I was dead. I got up during the night and sat in the bathroom with my box of tablets ready to take them. This has scared me more than anything as I've never wanted to end my own life, I felt numb and wasn't even fully aware what I was doing at the time. This has made me realise how much I need some help. I got to see my GP tonight and shes refering me to emergancy help. I'm due to see my CBT tomorrow too. I am so disapointed with myself for letting everthing go this far. Physically I am jumping from one symptom to another, convincing myself this is a physical illness again and nothing to do with deppression - I am a master at this now. David had to come home from work this morning. I don't think things can go on much longer like this. Somethings got to give. I can see me being sectioned now
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Post by monica on Oct 10, 2011 21:06:02 GMT
Hi
Sounds like you are having an almighty blip possibly brought on by the cbt? You have been doing so well and you will again. Cbt and counseling are brilliant tools to recovery but it can be so hard. I had counseling after I would say I had recovered from pni and honestly I felt suicidal. Bringing up and discussing painful memories and thoughts can be hard. Don't be hard on yourself - it's this awful illness that brings on the physical symptoms and thoughts. Glad you have seen your dr. You need extra help ATM and support to ride out this bad patch. You are a wonderful lady and a brilliant mum. Be kind to yourself. All the best for tomorrow
Monica
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Post by juppster on Oct 11, 2011 8:07:33 GMT
Ah hun, sorry things have come to a bit of a head. A similar thing happened for me and that's when I started to get the proper help I needed and started to get well again. Its such a shame that things have to get that bad for you to get the resources you so desperately need but hopefully now that will happen. I know how scary it is but trust in the people that know how to help and heal you. Will be thinking of you today mate, be kind to yourself, you are unwell xxx
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Post by xxellaxx on Oct 13, 2011 12:53:40 GMT
Thanks Guys, CBT went well on Tusday,she assured me I will get better so I've got something to hold onto. Woke up this morning with the dread - not wanting to face another day, I sat there on the couch watching the clock, dreading ella waking up. I've cried all day long, infront of Ella too which has made me feel so bad. Weird symptom,I feel like my body is vibrating, Like my nerves are buzzing away - freaky. Ellas gone for a sleep, I am going to do my very best this afternoon to smile at her, have some playtime with her. The guilt is killing me, my counciler has told me not to focus on my guilt as thats becoming a major issue now. Thank god for this forum, it does make things a little easier to beable to write things down
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Post by juppster on Oct 13, 2011 18:31:24 GMT
So glad you're finding writing here helpful. Keep going with the cbt, it is very hard but well worth it in the end xx
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Post by Weeble on Oct 13, 2011 20:01:29 GMT
What a lovely thing to write you will get better Kat
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Post by monica on Oct 13, 2011 22:21:06 GMT
Hi
Everything you feel is quite normal - the guilt, dread. Your lo sounds like a happy well adjusted baby- she won't be affected by your crying. Glad the cbt went well. You will get better and the tools you will acquire will help that happen quicker.
Monica
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Post by xxellaxx on Oct 16, 2011 21:16:12 GMT
I hope one day I can come on here and this nightmare will be over. I hate getting up, I hate facing anything, I have absolutly NO energy, I feel like I've got flu all the time. My gp has now doubled my meds and has also put me on Diazipan (valium) throughout the day. I have to go back to see her again tomorrow. I'm still not convinced deppression can bring on all these horrible physical symptoms
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Post by Weeble on Oct 16, 2011 21:27:04 GMT
I know it's difficult to believe but yes you will get better and yes it's does cause physical symptoms
Kat
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Post by juppster on Oct 17, 2011 8:28:56 GMT
Oh hun, my depression at its worse was almost completely physical. I too was convinced it couldn't be making me feel so bad but turns out it was. It will get easier mate I promise you that, keep talking on here xx
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Post by xxellaxx on Oct 17, 2011 22:01:56 GMT
Thanks all ..
Today has been better ;D I have been feeling fatigue all day but I got on with it, looked after my baby and didn't phone david once. I half enjoyed the day today.
I have my CBT tomorrow, have just completed my homework tonight.
My mum is coming over tomorrow so I am meeting her in town with my sister for a coffee in Costa, I dont feel too anxious about it as David is off work now for the rest of the week.
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Post by juppster on Oct 18, 2011 8:01:56 GMT
great to hear xx enjoy your day today xx
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