Is this Postnatal depression

[Linda]

I don't know how to start this but I've been feeling ups and downs since I was first told at my 8 week scan that I was expecting twins. I already have a 5year old. My husband convinced me that life wouldn't change that much and I would still be able to accompany him to his work like I used to when I had the one child. I had lots of problems during pregnancy but didn't feel to down in myself I worked and found that helped. I ended up going into labour on Christmas day 28 weeks pregnant, the hospital at Leicester didn't have any neonatal beds so I was sent to Sheffield they stopped my labour and was transferred back to Leicester but on 30th Dec I went back into labour, I was told that this time they had beds only to be told 30 mins later that they didn't, that night I can remember like it was yesterday. I was transferred back to Sheffield and on 31st Dec in a strange dark hospital I gave birth to a girl 2lb 10oz Stephanie & 18 mins later a boy Thomas 3lb 8oz. They were so tiny I felt that it was my fault that I hadn't carried them to full term and was worried whether they would survive. Well they did really well they were transferred back to Leicester on 2nd Jan i was so relieved to be close to home again and spent around 4 weeks in the neonatal unit. When I took them home it was hard work like all babies were but my husband helped. We decided that because of our jobs I was the main wage earner he had just set up his own business that I would go back to work and as he worked in the evening and weekends it seemed logical. Well this is when it hit me at work i was fine no problems I was in control, when I got home I started resenting my husband blaming the kids for ruining my life we used to share so much now I hardly saw him. I tried to explain how I was feeling but either I couldn't or he didn't understand things continued to get worse and i started feeling lonely and unloved I even threatened to commit suicide. My husband withdraw I became scared he needed some space I thought he was having an affair and accused him of this. The twins were 2 at Christmas
31st Dec. My husband left me on 1st Jan 2003 he said I have suffocated him. He's right I began checking up on him even like a stalker. Could all this be down to postnatal depression or am I just looking for an excuse?
Somebody please tell me that it will get better I am so lonely. I see my husband every day he still looks after the children during the day while I work full time, I just wish I'd seeked help before I'd lost everything. One day I still hope he'll give me another chance but I've got to be sure I'm right first.

[Veritee]

Hi Linda

What a dreadful story. I think anyone having gone through what you went through at the birth and twins at that would feel some distress and for your relationship to now break down!

I too felt traumatised by the conditions and treatment in hospital at the birth of my child - but my story is mild compared to yours.
As to whether you have PND, I think ultimately only you can say.
However I will say that having read what happened to you a certain amount of stress and distress would be experienced by absolutely anyone who had gone through your experience, and stress that would make anyone feel that at that time they needed a 'lot' of support.

I am tempted to say that in many ways you were reacting to a very real situation in that you obviously were not getting what you needed from your partner and interpreted it as him having and affair etc.
When I read this I also felt you were expecting an awful lot of yourself and so was your partner to go back to work after such a traumatic birth and having had twins to look after. I do not feel I could have done it or even contemplated it. I was under financial pressure to work but I would have had to draw the line at working having had premature twins.

How soon did you go back to work by the way and do you think it would in any way help if you did not work?

Are you working because you want to or do you feel forced by circumstances, money, your partner or anything else, or do you enjoy work and get a lot from it personally?

I ask this because I felt forced to go back to work because of finances and because, while brilliant in other ways my partner was scared by the thought of my not working and my wage not coming in. So while I did use work as an escape in retrospect I think I would have been better quicker had I not worked.

However I did go back to work also (only not after having twins with another child already) and in fact one of my symptoms of my depression at first was feeling in control and sane at work, and in some ways free, yet dreading picking up my baby from nursery and going home. I too blamed my partner as he is a merchant seaman who is away for up top 3 months on end - so I had no help at home and certainly I felt the things you say like the baby ruined my life and the good relationship we had was destroyed by having her.

However if he is still looking after the children while you work he is a lot more supportive than many partners of women I have talked to with PND over the years and he does this even though you have split up and I assume no longer benefiting financially from you working as he was. Many would be so grateful for a partner who would do half the childcare he seems to do so it does seem you are not recognising the support he does give.

Also your behaviour - while some stress symptoms after what you went through could be expected - in 'stalking' him and accusing him of seeing another when he is so supportive in looking after the children does seem to be obsessive and obsessive behaviour is a symptom of PND.

Have you seen your GP? Have you gone to counselling or any other form of support or help?

Are you sure you have lost everything? If you mean by 'everything' you mean your partner. Are you sure it is too late after all he has not gone far, he looks after your children and still supports you. Perhaps this split is his only way of stopping you being obsessive and 'stalking' him and making him feel trapped. Also you have not lost your job which is often the first thing to go if you have PND and you still have 3 lovely children.

Write back if you feel like it the answers to my questions.
My response may not be helpful but I am not an expert - just an ex sufferer.
But whether you have PND or not it does sound like you need to get help to unravel things ie GP Counsellor etc

I wish you all the best

Veritee

[Angela]

Good luck on trying to sort things out. After I had my daughter I to was convinced he was having an affair. I don't know why because he was always with me so there was never really any time for him to have one. I trully beleived then that when he was at work he was seeing somone. I used to try catch him out but the only person I was confusing was me.
This was a huge factor in my PND but as Veritee says only u can judge if you have PND.
Good luck again. Angela

[Linda]

Thanks for the replies, I've not really spoken to any one about my feelings before. My reasons for returning to work were for me I needed to work I can't explain why but I'd tried reducing my hours at work but I felt trapped at home. I know how lucky I am that my husband still looks after the children on a daily basis it benefits me in that I can continue to work but it also breaks my heart every day seeing the man that I love and have hurt so much walk in and out of my life. My emotions run from wanting to hit him to kiss and cuddle him. I've tried to explain my feelings but I'm not sure if my actions during last year has destroyed the 13 wonderful years we have shared. He says he can't answer the question that I ask if he'll ever give me another chance so for now I'm just trying to keep things together for the children and also trying to sort my own mind out. I know I should probably go and see my GP but I'm scared, I think he'll tell me to stop wasting his time. Thanks for listening

[jo]

Hi,

my heart goes out to you, and I hope you find some answers to your problems soon.

I just wanted to say to you, that I do NOT think that your GP will tell you to go away, and stop wasting his time.

It took me ages to pluck up the courage to see my GP, but he was surprisingly helpful, and the couselling I had as a consequence turned my life around.

take care
love
Jo

[Linda]

Well now I,ve been kicked in the teeth again. My husband has now told me that he has been seeing this woman I've accused him off having an affair with. My life has been turned up side down again when I thought I was making the first step to finding some help, but I'm now determined to beat this and get my life back for me and the kids. I haven't a clue where to start and deep down I still love him but not sure if he wanted to try again it would be a good thing or not. By the way the only reason he told me was because she has now gone back to her husband and he told me before her husband did. What have I done so wrong to deserve this I just keep punishing myself.

[julianne]

Dear Linda
After reading your story I felt I had to reply. I completely understand how you feel. I have 6 1/2 month old twins and a 7 year old. I think the same as no-one can tell you how your 1st baby will change your life no-one can also tell you how much twins will change it. I found out I was having twins at my 16 week scan and I also felt the rollercoaster of emotions you describe. The fear, excitement, and nervousness. This went on throughout my pregnancy. I had suffered PND with my 1st child so was also afraid this would return. Although with my 1st I was afraid to tell anyone incase they confirmed my fear of being mad! I let the feeligngo on for years. I was induced at 35 weeks as my little girl had stopped growing. Olivia was born weighing 4lbs 5.5oxs and Jacob 5lb7ozs. Although you feel gulity for not carrying to term considering that they were 12 weeks early they were good weights and you should praise yourself for that. I felt very alone during labour although I wasn't. It's a hard feeling to describe. I was lucky in that mine were only in icu for 1 1/2 weeks although it was the longest week of my life. Having to stay on a post-natal ward without them, I felt cheated that I had gone through labour and all the other mums had there babies and I didn't. I also felt resentment that they were complaining that they weren't sleeping etc when they should have felt lucky to have there babies with them. Leaving hospital without them was heart wrenching and as I had another child at home I felt constantly torn between the torn places. Babies are hard work on their own let alone with two. I too have considered sucicide well more that I felt I didn't deserve to live and feel the way I did. I thankfully haven't felt like this for a while. I think that you should contact your GP. Please don't leave it as long as I did they day I came out of the doctors I cried with relief. I wasn't going mad. I wasn't a bad mother or awful person. I was someone suffering an illness. An illness that I had no control over. It's understandable that you feel down. Give yourself credit, you had a difficult pregnancy, an premature labour, time in the neo-natal unit and now work full time and look after twins when your not at work. It's sounds like your doing a pretty good job to me! Just remember this is a temporary phase and you will get better.
Keep smiling
Julianne