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Post by Weeble on Aug 18, 2010 20:57:44 GMT
This is such good news on your Daughter well done for going. I have lots more to write to you, but I am too tired tonight. Promise to write a better post tomorrow
Kat
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Post by juppster on Aug 19, 2010 7:27:01 GMT
Hey sweetie, how are you feeling this morning? Any better for getting some rest? Thinking of you xxx
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Aug 19, 2010 8:22:37 GMT
hello everybody I am pleased to say i feel a lot brighter this morning. I did feel terrible, my tummy hurt so much :/ I haven't eaten anything yet today just drinking to drink loads, think i must have been really dehydrated because my wee turned bright orange! eek! But my tummy ache is gone, my head is a lot clearer, it was really wired yesterday, i felt like i was drunk or something very scary. Of course an element of it must have been the bug mixed the tablets which apperently lower blood pressure. I spoke to my HV yesterday afternoon. I was really low at the time - I cant remember hardly anything that she said only that she has rearranged to come out next week. She asked me if i had a chance to do anything for myself alone with no kids in the past week. I couldn't think of one thing, i couldn;t think of anything positive to say. I couldn;t even think of anything i would like to do or could do. I will have a think today - its really hard because my baby wont take a bottle (and we try every single day). maybe i could arrange to see an old friend who has no kids for a coffee she lives quite a drive away about 1/2 hour and i dont know the way that well. i hope these pills start to really kick in, i am scaring myself with how strange and low i feel. also i have noticed i keep having confused moments. I was playing with my baby yesterday making her laugh, i was relaxed for a moment and ok - then i tried to call her name and i couldn;t remember what it was i tried called her her brothers name and my husbands it was wierd my mind went totally blank.This is just one example other things have happend. I also have sometimes been getting moments when my eyes play tricks on me - i think this is worse when i am tired. I am scared i am going to get confused and do something dangerous or something. But i dont think today i feel like this at all i feel normal and in control of my brain. I cant remember what the doctor said to me the other day if i have to go back or not. I think i'll go back in 2 weeks regardless because i need to tell him about my hair falling out which is getting worse also i am noticing i am loosing weight none of my clothes fit and whats even wierder is my whole life i am on a diet and i have lost weight without trying and i dont care and still see myslef as ugly and fat. yet i haven't weighed this much since i was 16! Anyway i will write more later x
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Aug 19, 2010 9:39:01 GMT
i definatly do feel more positive todayhere is a list of postive stuff: 1. i have sent a text to my friend about meeting up. 2. i have put a positive facebook status about my baby getting the all clear. 3 We have been invited around to another friends house on saturday for something to eat the whole family. i must say they often arrange stuff and pull out but i am looking forward to it. 4. Also my 2 yr old got an invite to one of my friends little boys birthday party next week. i have got to say i fell out with his mum, cant remember if i have spoken about that but she text me and i sent a couple of texts back so that is another thing to look forward to. 5. my dad has just invited me around for a cooked breakfast at lunch time! Dont think my tummy will handle the food but it'll be nice to get my 2 year old out. 6. for the first time in ages my hubby phones to say how r u and i said feeling better and i wasn;t covering anything up. I have now got quite a bit to do, get dressed, get 2 yr old dressed, clean up dried cat food that i have just knocked all over the kitchen floor! Tidy up the house a bit!
please please please let my happyish head stay on at least for today!!!
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Aug 19, 2010 13:50:57 GMT
Tens mins after writing the last post I was in floods of tears again. I am ok now, look crap. Going to try and get out on my own with baby to buy bonjela. HopefuLly can do that.
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Aug 19, 2010 17:05:37 GMT
Tens mins after writing the last post I was in floods of tears again. I am ok now, look crap. Really horrible late morning. However in amonst the tears I text my friend and said I felt really depressed. Then she popped over and we had a quick chat:) my hubby came home early so we couldn't talk for long. But she is coming over on tue befor we go to my sons friends bd party. It was good to let someone know how I was feeling. Feel better after getting out, got some teething gel for my lo - put it on and she seemed to have instant relieve she has cried a lot the past couple of days its been really hard.
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Post by Victoria on Aug 19, 2010 18:05:38 GMT
So sorry to hear that your happy head didnt last. I hope writing it down gives you some relief, I know it does me when I am really low. I am glad you got to talk to a friend though, well done for still going out even tho you were feeling crap. I know going out sometimes helps me even when I have to force myself. Hope you are ok. xxx
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Post by Weeble on Aug 19, 2010 19:36:58 GMT
Hi Lucy
I am a big supporter of drugs for teething pain it just makes such a difference to them. I use paracetamol and ibuprofen liquid as well to help my boys.
well done for reaching out to your friend, sometimes it feels so good to have someone to confide in. I totally understand the not going out the house thing, I am nearly totally house bound at the moment. I used to find - before I got so fragile and pregnant that going for a walk down the local quiet streets with the baby in a pushchair and my i pod used to really help clear the cobwebs, but was not scary.
I am so delighted to hear the news about your daughter, that must be such a huge relief to you after everything she and you have been through, I know it does not cure you or probably even make you feel better, but that is ok, its your turn now, you were strong when she needed you most and now you need time to recover.
The foggy mind, forgetfulness and confusion are all symptoms I have suffered and are quite bad at the moment, got to work an hour late yesterday with out my computer, went to the corner shop today and had no idea why I was there, and have big gaps in my memory as well. always here to listen and talk
Love Kat
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Post by butterfly on Aug 19, 2010 21:33:13 GMT
Thanks kat, horrible you have these things happening to u as well. You have a very good way with words, I agree I need to get better now. I don't care if I am an inconvience or a cost to society, I can't deny myself getting help, my babe is all better everyone saved her so she can have a normal happy life and that includes a happy mum. She needs and deserves that so does my son. I am hoping that although I am up and down in waves throughout the day the ups will gradually increase until I'm normal again. These meds have got to start woking soon but I think I have to allow my brain to let them. I had a lady from the support group call she is coming to see me to talk about it. There is a creche were the children go. Its only for a couple of hours but I think that will really help me. Its like freedom for 2 hours. I can just think (selfishly) of myself for a while and reflex and think about things knowing they r safe. I really give in now and just need to go with the flow and heal myself. My mums friend is a reiki healer, a very good one - I might ask mum if she'd be able to give me some. I am pissed off with myself that I can't rememebr what that dr said about going back!! Why has my brain gone. I have got to go to occ health soon about going back to work I am really anxious about this. I should make an appt soon. I believe when someone is ill in any way mentally or physically you must always take a holistic approach is making them better. No one in the world apart from me is going to beable to organise and manage this healing apart from me. I need to start looking forward not back. Yes I have had tones of flash backs today the last one being the doctor saying he doesn't want to see her again. I wish I had a nbit more control of these flashbacks, its like I watch a snippit of a scene. Could be any part of my daughters illness- one particular bad one is when I was in the ambulance and I saw her stop breathing infront of me and they pull over and resus her with an ambi bag- it could havee been the ET tube was positional but in my heart, in my soul I saw her little soul nearly leave us. I really beilieved she was going to die I had not one glimmer of hope. When I have that flash back I experience every single emotion and bit of pain again. That actally happend twice during the journey. I thought once was bad enough. I can also get a flashback of the feeling I got when I walked into the PICU as far as my eye could see there is a dying baby or child fighting for their life, each with there own story and family. But also a sence of control from the medical team. They were like angels working with god. One sister (I can't believe I have forgotten her name) worked in a robot like state responding to the million alarms going of and basically working with the drs and fighting to save her. She didn't say much to me I could tell she 100% focused which is why I trusted her. Part of me believes if she wasn't working that night my daughter wouldn't be here.
I feel I can never stop talking about these memories I don't enjoy them. Maybe I see the whole event as a story and I need to write it down.
I remember the feeling of being unable to pick her up, this was firstly at our local hospital I wanted to pick her uup and hold her, but I couldn't I didn't want her to die alone. We had to wait in a room while they tried to stabilise her we were,nt allowed in. At this stage the virus had not been confirmed and the drs had no idea. I kept thinking to myself they think I have poisened her or something.then the dr said she needed a CT scan of her head. I was questioning myself what If I have done something I was wracking my brains thinking of what I did wrong. Maybe they did think I was a beverly allit- or whatever her name was. Or maybe they just thought she had brain damage. I don't know how 10 counsilling sessions lasting 50 mins each is ever going to get to the bottom of this. Annd believe you me I have many other can of worms that remain unopened full of past traumas. What if they can't help me what do I do then?
Do I write on here more than most people? I seem to write a lot. But I can't talk to anyone about how I feel maybe when the councilling starts I'll write less. I am off now night x
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Aug 20, 2010 6:55:41 GMT
today i feel very paranoid that someone is going to read my posts who i dont to. i want to try and change my name but the old name still comes up.
i am considering not posting on here anymore because i feel i am getting much much worse maybe i am doing too much uncontrolled digging in my brain and its causing trouble. maybe i should leave it to the councillor.
i could not sleep at all last night, constant flash backs, ringing in my ears. thoughts about being sectioned and my baby being taken away from me and thinking that the people looking after her were trying to hurt her in some way.
sometimes i wish someone would section me and lock me up, then i could have a rest and get better. but they wont, they couldn't even if they wanted to. i am so tired, i told my husband i couldn;t sleep and he basically had a go at me for it.
When are these tablets going to work, maybe its them that are doing it. maybe i should go back to my dr or something. i feel really not incontrol today.
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Post by juppster on Aug 20, 2010 7:27:36 GMT
Morning honey Firstly, im sorry you are feeling that way this morning, I have empathy with you because im feeling a little that way myself today. You will get better honey, you have to stop being so hard on yourself though...its a long process and it does take time. If you are really really struggling go back to your GP or call and talk to them to get some reassurance. The other thing is if you feel that coming on here is too open to other people seeing it, there is a confidential section that people have to have the password for which is a much more secure way of expressing yourself and your feelings. I think it would be a shame for you to stop posting on here so that may be worth a try. You will need to PM one of the MODs on here to get the password. Keep talking mate, we are all here listening and you are not alone xx
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Post by Weeble on Aug 20, 2010 7:32:40 GMT
Hi Butterfly
So understand how you feel, this is exactly my problem too, I am petrified that someone other than the girls on here will read this and connect it with me. However, I have been posting for seven months and i am starting to feel safer.
Your description this morning could have been written by me, although I think I nearly did get sectioned the day I nearly walked out in front of a lorry with two small children in a pushchair. Thank god they all listened to me, when I said the kids were safe and i did not want to take them with me.
Everything you describe about last night, could have been one of my nights they are so hard. However, here are some facts to help you.
there are over 60 million of us in the UK, this site gets about 200 visitors a day, most of them are us I have concluded, for instance I can read the site on my mobile phone, but will come up as a guest not me unless I use our home desktop, guess others are like that to.
Please keep writing, you need to do it, and for know that everything you describe is something I go through on a week by week basis to.
I read what you wrote about your daughter last night, these things are so difficult to handle, I can imagine how it must of been for you and what you describe how you felt seems so normal and reasonable. As for the CT head thing, I have had lots of times like that over the past few months. Not quite the same but very similar, I spent six months convinced that they thought I was not safe to look after my kids until I finally summed the courage to ask my health Visitor and she said no they had no concerns for the children in any way only me and showed me the documentation.
Thinking through the CT thing, I guess we can both understand why they did it, your little girl had crashed and was very sick, she was a neonate and no one knew why. I suspect if you could go back and be a nurse in that team the last thing you were thinking of would have been that the mother had done it, you would be thinking infection, tumour, bleed, congenital brain problem etc etc. They will have done the scan prior to doing the lumbar puncture, its standard medical practice and they needed to do the LP to work out what was wrong and how to get her better.
I am a little further through the process on this and have been doing counselling for some time. What I have learned is it really works, my psychologist makes me write the things down and find the blocked emotions and things I will not think about, as I recognise these and open up about them to her, my OH and to the girls on here, slowly those memories go away. It just takes time and a lot of painful effort.
I think of this group of girls as my essential lifeline, I cant tell you the number of times that writing how I feel has turned me round. My OH says to me now, go and blog with the girls as he knows it helps so much.
As for your OH its hard for them, my OH turned out to have PTSD and depression too and has been seeing a counsellor and taking AD's too. But for the first five months of my illness I could not see this, all I could see was an angry man who kept having a go at me. With time and understanding my OH is much more supportive. They just dont get it.
If you feel the need to go and see you GP again, you should go, not being in control is a danger sign for me, its one of the questions people have learned to ask me. The only other comfort I can offer is it does change and the frequency of where you are today does fade over time as the drugs and talking work.
Anyway keep writing, will keep listening and hopefully be able to offer kindred friendship
Kat
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Post by Victoria on Aug 20, 2010 8:37:06 GMT
Hi hun, will come on and post later just wanted to say hi and thinking of you. xxx
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Aug 20, 2010 19:45:14 GMT
Thankyou all for your support - I had a bad morning early bu then picked up throughout the day. Feel quite good now. Noticed a side effect from the tablet though, blurred vision to the point of nealy loosing all vision down one side. Booked an appt at opticians need one anyway cos I did experience something like this befor. Only lasted 15 minutes or so. Anyway hope my evening continues to be nice. Kids in bed and hubby is going to paint my toe nails
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Post by butterfly on Aug 21, 2010 7:49:12 GMT
Lovely evening last out loud at the TV and hubbys jokes and have not done that for ages. Feel good this morning ( help by lo sleeping through the night) and being woken up by a bacon butty and fresh coffee in bed! pray the good day lasts and I can laugh all day and have fun with my family. Going to a miniture railway my 2 year old loves it
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