Third time unlucky!!!

[Tanya]

Hi everyone,

This is my third time around and still its no easier to cope with and at the moment i feel this is the worst i have felt through them all!

The first time was a mixture of pnd and grief as our 1st son was stillborn so i had alot of feelings to come to terms with, i was never on tablets either and was continually told "time will heal" but time doesnt heal its just makes you deal with things differently. We had only been married 1 month to the day of losing Ryan so emotions were truly up and down!
I did come to terms with things and overcome the depression side of it and just over a year later(Dec 99)i had our daughter kayleigh by emergancy c.section 4 weeks early, she looked so much like her brother and about 3 weeks later signs of pnd started to show. I didnt notice them but everyone around me did and because i felt so ashamed and useless i didnt believe them, 6 weeks later i did! and started medication which i continued for about 6 months
I always new that if i had another baby there would be more chance of suffering again but i took the chance and in jan 02 found out i was expecting again only to be rushed into hospital at 7 weeks with an expected etopic, but after an lapaoptomy the pregnancy was in the right place but a large cycst was removed from my tube and the effect of the surgery caused me to miscarry!
6 weeks ago baby no 4 a little boy arrived and today i started medication again, i feel so low cant stop crying hate being on my own but dont want to be with others either and still feel unable to talk to friends about it. doubting everything i do and pushing away my little boy. Its hard and my husband is great even though he doesnt really understand, i just want to see that light at the end of the tunnel but at the moment it feels miles and miles away!

Tanya

[Conway]

Tanya,

When i read your message, it took me back a year ago to when i had my son and i made my husband tell family members a lie, that i wasnt allowed to see anyone, just so that i didnt have to talk to people.

The depression makes you feel like that, and to be honest a year later, i'm still 50% like it.

You've had such a terrible time, your far braver than me as i still cant talk about everything, or what is happening now.

My mother had a still born baby boy, my twin actually, and people used to say stupid things to her - like oh never mind at least you've kept one of them!

It sounds like your still grieving for your baby boy, and your unfortunate miscarriage.

Sometimes i think as women, we need to fill the void that a miscarriage brings, and our bodies crave to be pregnant again...and when we are and we give birth, it seems to bring home the loss, and we become depressed and withdrawn..when everyone thinks we should be happy.

I hope that makes a bit of sense to you, i wish i could take away your pain...as i wish i could take away mine.

I had days when the light was so far away, i thought it would take years to get there...but somehow you do.

Its very dark where you are right now, take some time to yourself, even if its just locking the bathroom door - a glass of wine, candles, bubbles and staying in there for an hour......and the most important thing is to make sure the baby is far away from you so that if your little boy cries while your in there relaxing, your husband can see to him without you knowing about it.

Give it a go...it wont cure anything, but it'll make you feel a bit more human for a while at least.

I wish you well, keep talking...

Conway