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Post by Anna81 on Sept 9, 2015 1:08:11 GMT
Hi all as i write i feel the tears streaming down and i don't know where to turn. I've been a sufferer of anxiety since i was a young girl but for most of the part i had it under control. I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl 12 weeks ago via a very traumatic emergency c-section due to pre eclampsia this was 7 weeks prior to my due date. My daughter then had to be sent to another hospital due to lack of facilities for her immature lungs at the hospital i was at. I could only touch her leg whilst she was in an incubator tubes everywhere and then whisked away. I remained pretty much bed ridden as i still had high blood pressure which docs were finding hard to control. I guess this is where my negative thinking began, i became convinced i was going to have a stroke and die. I was released from hospital 5 days later and headed up to the hospital where my daughter was being taken care of. This was a special hospital for premmies in Malaga (i'm from Gibraltar 2 hours away) the good news was she was perfectly ok but i remained with a sense of dread that was only increasing. My eldest daughter (going to turn 2) came up with us to Malaga only to get sick with what we thought was farangitis (deep down i was convinced it was something much worse) so my mum came up and took her back home. I felt torn between my newborn premmie baby and my eldest daughter who was sick. By this point i was constantly crying in pain from my c section and taking 3 pills a day to regulate my blood pressure.finally back at home we still had to have our baby in hospital only to put on weight but when we arrived back to our hospital in Gibraltar my eldest was still very sick so she too had to be hospitalized in the bed next to her sister. She had Strep A though i was still convinced she had had something worse. I was also convinced i was going to die and my daughters would not remember me. Whilst in hospital i got the news that my Dad had been also hospitalized in Intensive Care he passed away less than a week later he never got to meet his grandaughter he only got to see a pic of her. That night was the turning point where my thoughts just spiraled out of control. My first panick attack was when i was 13 yrs old i was at a pjama party we were telling ghost stories and for a split second i thought what if i become possessed before i knew it i had a panick attack i felt like i was outside of my body at the time i did not know it was a panic attack i actually thought i was being possessed. This was followed by OCD as irrational as it was i was totally convinced something terrible was going to happen. The night my father passed away i thought for one split second what if you get something stupid in your head again like when you were 13 before i knew it the fear the dread the feeling of losing control, it all came back. Everything since has seemed to snowballed first i convinced myself i had postnatal psycosis now im convinced i'm either crazy or going to have a nervous breakdown, i keep thinking how are my daughters going to cope if i go crazy will they get teased because their mum is crazy. I'm obssessing about going crazy, my thoughts are so loud that i'm panicking simply because i think. I start wondering what thoughts are made of or why we think, if we are just thoughts do we have a soul worst of it is i'm fearing every thought i have.....i just don't want to have any of these thoughts popping in my head. I read about all the women who have intrusive thoughts about their babies and my heart goes out to all of them but i feel very alone because my thoughts are so random they have nothing to do with my daughter. I dont know whether i have PTSD, Grief, PNI all of the above or whether i Am going craz. I'm seeing a psychologist tomorrow. If anybody is feeling like this or has thoughts like these please let me reply ...i feel very alone.
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Post by monica on Sept 9, 2015 20:09:59 GMT
Welcome Anna81!
Reading your story, it really is no wonder you are struggling. To have had all those dreadful life experiences more or less at the same time was bound to have an impact - how could anybody cope especially at a time when you are at your most vulnerable.
It does sound as if there could be a mixture of ptsd and pni - certainly traumatic events can trigger pni. Possibly combined with the fact that you have experienced panic attacks in the past can make you more vulnerable to suffer this type of episode again.
One thing is for sure you are not going crazy - what you're suffering from are intrusive, obsessional thoughts - they don't have to be about your children either. The emergency c section, your daughter's illness, your father dying have had this impact.
I got pni with my second child - again several things happened at once more or less and I just couldn't cope.
The good news is that you will recover. It can be a quite a difficult journey but hopefully your psychologist can give you medication if you wish and or talking therapies where you can learn techniques to stop the obsessional thoughts as by now your thought patterns will have will have become quite ingrained (it's amazing how quick this can happen) and you have to retrain yourself to stop them. It can be done.The thoughts, whatever their nature, are so draining I was obseesed with illnesses and dying - my ability to rationalise went out the window and these thoughts were with me 24hrs a day so I really do understand. Do have faith though - you will recover.
You mentioned the lonliness - I have never in my life felt so alone as I did when I was ill with pni. Do come back to us and talk - the ladies here are great and can really help and reassure you. Good luck once again with the psychologistx
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Post by Anna81 on Sept 11, 2015 14:47:07 GMT
Hi Monica,
Thank you so much for replying it has made me feel slightly more relieved in knowing that someone else has felt the same way. Though i still think think i may never recover and this is what my life will be like from now on, from what i have read from other ladies stories it is a common to think or feel that way. Since going to the psychologist on wed i have had waves of 'clarity' (feeling like myself) only for slight moments and then waves of extreme dread and nervousness. I am not on meds at the moment but i will be working with my psychologist on a fortnight basis using cbt and mindfullness therapy which i am hoping works for me. Right now all i would like is some respite from my negative intrusive thoughts.
Again thank you so much for being there it is comforing to know someone who understands and has been through it is listening.
My heart goes out to all the women who like myself are going through such a horrific thing as pni as if pregnancy and motherhood aren't hard enough.
A
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Post by monica on Sept 11, 2015 16:48:52 GMT
Hi
The waves of clarity as you describe them , are first steps of recovery . In time these moments will become longer and the psinful ones shorter and less intense.
Recovery can be tough but you will get there. It sounds to me as if you have good insight into pni and that can help a lot .
Please keep talking to us - you'll find support herex
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Post by quantumrose on Sept 14, 2015 10:26:12 GMT
Hi Anna81,
I'm really glad you found us! I can relate to so much of what you say, you aren't alone in this and you WILL get better. Those little moments of feeling more like your old self will increase and the times when you feel bad with fade away. Massive well done for getting access to all the help your getting, it will all help. Keep talking, we're here to listen and we understand what a lonely experience PNI can be but this is a great community of support and understanding. All the best x
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Post by psychmom on Oct 23, 2015 19:41:31 GMT
Oh my goodness! I can relate so much to this post! I really hope you're doing better by now! Would love to hear an update! I'm having obsessive thoughts about going crazy and never recovering as well. And I completely have these moments of clarity and calm but then I second guess them and start obsessing again.
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gem
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Post by gem on Nov 1, 2015 18:06:01 GMT
Hi, I have had the exact same thought pattern, totally thought I was going crazy and still have that fear sometimes but it has got easier, intrusive thoughts are horrific I had them constantly still do but the volume is lessened, you are not going crazy, you have anxiety, this will pass. You could develop this from just pni or from grief or from PTSD all of these cause stress/depression which can cause this, you worry as I did if you think of something often it will somehow become true you fear your own thoughts try to remember it doesn't matter what you think but your reaction to it which counts. You can think anything and if you weren't stressed you'd just laugh or dismiss it but you are in a anxiety state and your mind is set for a threat, your body is full of adrenalin you are in fight or flight mode. Your brain when this happens uses it's basic ancient limbic part of the brain which would help you run from danger. This happens when we are in anxiety there is no physical risk but your body and mind think there is so you are less able to use your rational brain. Try to tell yourself you will get better, it won't be as intense soon, it doesn't matter what silly random stuff comes into your head it can't harm you, you are in control still. Imagine you are driving a bus and the thoughts are just the voices of the passengers on the bus, as they really are not you it's the anxiety. It's bit you it will get better xx
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Post by psychmom on Nov 2, 2015 13:50:35 GMT
You are absolutely right Gem!! So why is it so hard for me to believe that in the moment??? Darn hormones!!
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gem
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Post by gem on Nov 15, 2015 10:45:19 GMT
I know I feel the same I get taken over by it and I can't calm down sometimes. Reading your post really helped tho as you described it do well and I thought yes, of course it's just PNI she feels the same way so it's not just me. I've upped my meds to 40 mg generic prozac hoping that helps and referef back to talking therapies but the thought if going worries me in some ways. Hope you are feeling ok at the mo but if not that's ok too xx
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gem
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Post by gem on Nov 15, 2015 11:36:40 GMT
I know I feel the same I get taken over by it and I can't calm down sometimes. Reading your post really helped tho as you described it do well and I thought yes, of course it's just PNI she feels the same way so it's not just me. I've upped my meds to 40 mg generic prozac hoping that helps and referef back to talking therapies but the thought if going worries me in some ways. Hope you are feeling ok at the mo but if not that's ok too xx
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