Feel empty

[becm]

Hi All, I'm new on here and just need to tell my story to people who understand.

I have 7 month old twins and at around 3 months I was diagnosed with pnd. I am on antidepressants and also doing a course on anxiety (4 week course on Thursday evenings).

I was starting to feel a bit better but had to reduce medication due to night sweats and generally feeling ill and got worse again. On other tablets now but not really kicked in.

Nights are my hardest. My little boy wakes a lot for cuddles or I just wake and can't get back to sleep. So then I am exhausted in the day and feel I can't enjoy my day with the twins. I get to the end of the day thinking woo, I made it, but then hating myself for wishing the day away. I've wanted babies for a long as I remember and now feel I am not coping and don't enjoy it. The guilt is awful.

On top of it all my husband is very insecure and wants all the attention. If I don't hug him enough then I must not love him. It hurts so much to have someone say you don't love them. The problem is I am just not attracted to him anymore. I don't have the energy for hugs. He doesn't help much and that is a big argument. He is the bread winner now but that is all he does. He has own business so works so much. I feel we are just an inconvenience to him. Some days I consider leaving him. Then feel awful for thinking it. He is getting bad headaches at the moment so it is like having 3 babies!

To top it off I have 2 step daughters 7 and 10 with us 3 days a week. I end up usually taking full responsibility.

I feel so sad. So anxious. So guilty. I don't know what to do.

From a sad Bec xx

[monica]

Hello and welcome to the site. I'm so sorry you're going through this illness.

You have a lot to deal with physically and emotionally - caring for numerous children and having to provide emotional support for your other half at a time when you have little left to give .

Guilt is a huge part of pni for many mums - I was like this too. But wishing the day away is a normal reaction when ur low and don't have the energy nor inclination to deal with life. Try not to worry about your feelings towards your husband. Mine changed too - I think ur feelings can alter depending on how you feel - it doesn't mean it will be like this forever- hopefully once meds kick in you'll feel in a better place .

Coukd u make a list of the practical things you need - then perhaps sit down with ur hubby and go through it. Often with blokes giving them specific and practical things to do is more effective. Could u try and tell him how exhausted ur and that u have no energy for hugs. Perhaps agree to put aside 30 mins every week when u hug and tell each other how much you love each other. It's a bit regimented but maybe will help at this difficult time.

Please believe me your feelings are normal for pni and as bleak as things feel you will get better. Feel free to offload here - you can start a diary if you like. You'll get understanding and suppirt from the ladies here x

[jemma]

Hi Bec how u feeling now xx