struggling to survive.

[helpme]

I've made my way over here from an old news article about post natal suicide. I think that gives you an idea of where I'm at right now.

I gave birth 5 weeks ago to a much wanted daughter. It was a traumatic birth and I didn't bond but I thought I'd be OK. I was so wrong.

Sent home after less than 24 hours, unable to walk due to stitches. No idea how to look after a baby. Failed to breastfeed but that turned out to be a relief. The little sleeping thing didn't feel like mine anyway. Still doesn't.

Since then she's been unwell with reflux and colic and I haven't slept. My husband isn't helpful. I have to hold her all day to stop the screaming and I'm alone from 7am to 8pm. I shower once a week and rarely eat. The baby won't let me.

I fantasise about leaving. I don't want her. I told my husband his family can have her and he said he'd call social services. She's up all night and I sleep maybe 45 minutes here and there. I need to sleep.

I hand her to visitors and I don't want her back. Last week I broke and my husband did a night feed. I didn't want her back. I wanted him to keep her.

She's asleep on me now. I can't move though. I can't sleep. My husband is in his bed. I've had nothing to eat or drink since 4am and I've decided to keep that up. That'll land me in hospital, right? Then I'll sleep.

I know I'm not rational but I'm tired. Being tired. I no longer care if I'm alive. I just call her the baby. She's so angry. She's never engaged. Just screaming.

I don't think I'll make it through tonight.

[monica]

Hello and welcome

How are you today? I'm sorry I just saw your post now. Everything you've written sounds like quite severe pni, although we're not professionals on here, just mums who have experience of this terrible and cruel illness. Please believe me that you will recover and as awful and bleak as things may feel now, it will get better. I've been in that dark and frightening and lonely place and know what's it's like. Traumatic births can be a trigger as well as an inconsolable baby - who wouldn't feel angry, upset and frustrated listening to a baby crying all day. You must get help and support as you're very low. This is what I would do.

1. Call dr today and tell them you need an appt with the gp TODAY - if you can't do that get your husband or close friend/family member to do it. The fact you're thinking you wont make it through the night, you don't care whether you live or die is serious - saying that you will get through this. If you feel you will harm yourself go to A&E - honestly, this can mean you'll get help quicker.

Your Gp can listen to you - you're not alone in how you feel - he will have heard it all before. Options for treatment can be talking therapies - offloading how you feel and learning how you can help yourself will work wonders. Medication is also an option. I took meds after resisting for months as I thought I wasn't a nutter! But in the end I was so desperate to try anything to make me feel better I resorted to antids and they were a godsend. This was the turning point for me. Meds aren't for everyone though - there are pros and cons as there are with everything- and this is something to talk through with your gp.

2. Do you have anyone you could confide in - family member or friend. It's highly unlikely you'll be judged but you need practical and emotional support. Maybe your husband could take time off work to help you with the baby. A little can go along way.

I think you need a break from the baby as you sound exhausted emotionally and physical . A break even if it's an hour a day just to recharge your batteries. Suddenly looking after a baby 24/7 and one who is very demanding is simply exhausting, monotonous and stressful. These feelings don't make you a bad mum just a human being!

3. Please eat and drink. This will just make you feel worse.

Please please get help today. If you feel desperate go to A&E and or call the Samaritans - there are other groups too - I'll get you their phone nos if you like. There is hope and help out there. there are many many things that you can do to help bond with your baby and help yourself that I'm more than happy to share with you but in the first instance you need help now.

Do come back to us for support - we really do understand.

Sending you much love

Monica

[monica]

How are you? X

[quantumrose]

Hi, I'm so sorry to have not replied earlier. How are you? Have you managed to get a little more sleep? Everything can seem terrible at night, when the rest of the household is asleep. I hope you feel a bit better in the day. Please keep talking here and I would have a chat with your health visitor, if you feel she's supportive. Also, as Monica says, talk to your GP. It talkes so much strength to admit you feel the way you do, I know it might not feel like it now. Nobody judges you here, we've all been there. The earlier you get help, the sooner you can feel ok, and you will feel ok again. Let us know how you are when you can x