Post by lewis on Dec 7, 2016 12:41:59 GMT
I am posting on this site because I think the birth of my son and the subsequent stress that followed has triggered my PNI. I was unsure whether to post on this site as I am male, but believe it is important to recognise that men can also be vulnerable during this acutely stressful period.
Before my son was born I remember being very worried that there may be something wrong with him or that the birth may go horribly wrong but he was born in a quite traumatic c-section and everything seemed ok, although he did have to be on a ventilator for the first few nights.
When we got him home we had trouble getting him to feed and I found this unbearable stressful. I also became completely obcessed with the idea that he may die from cot death and as a result would stay awake throughout the night to check he was breathing every five minutes. The combination of no sleep and acute stress triggered an deterioration in my mental state and I became very depressed and anxious.
I started having invasive distressing thoughts not that I would hurt him but that he would come to harm and I would be responsible. I also started as others on this forum have described making bizarre connections between people who had committed horrendous crimes that I saw displayed in the media and myself. I knew from a rational perspective I was being completely ridiculous but couldn't help myself from having these thoughts.
I had no problem bonding with my son but this is what distressed me so much was both my intense feelings of love and the dark thoughts co-existing I couldn't get my head round it. Compounding this was a absolute fear that if I told anyone he would be taken away from me or I would be labelled as unfit to parent etc. This was and is one of the worst types of torture for a person to endure.
I have been to my GP and been referred for counselling and it is helping, however I do have extreme difficulty being completely frank and honest with my counsellor and also my wife about what I have been experiencing because that fear of losing my son is still so intense and compelling.
My son has recently been diagnosed with autism which is another thing to add to my worries but I do feel so lucky to have him and wouldn't change him for the world. I think my troubles stem from a difficulty coping with the overwhelming love and responsibilities I feel towards him. Also I think unresolved issues from my adolescence have laid dormant for many years making me very susceptible to PNI.
Lastly I would like to say reading other peoples similar experiences on this forum has comforted me and given me some hope that I can be more open and honest to those around me about my problems.
Before my son was born I remember being very worried that there may be something wrong with him or that the birth may go horribly wrong but he was born in a quite traumatic c-section and everything seemed ok, although he did have to be on a ventilator for the first few nights.
When we got him home we had trouble getting him to feed and I found this unbearable stressful. I also became completely obcessed with the idea that he may die from cot death and as a result would stay awake throughout the night to check he was breathing every five minutes. The combination of no sleep and acute stress triggered an deterioration in my mental state and I became very depressed and anxious.
I started having invasive distressing thoughts not that I would hurt him but that he would come to harm and I would be responsible. I also started as others on this forum have described making bizarre connections between people who had committed horrendous crimes that I saw displayed in the media and myself. I knew from a rational perspective I was being completely ridiculous but couldn't help myself from having these thoughts.
I had no problem bonding with my son but this is what distressed me so much was both my intense feelings of love and the dark thoughts co-existing I couldn't get my head round it. Compounding this was a absolute fear that if I told anyone he would be taken away from me or I would be labelled as unfit to parent etc. This was and is one of the worst types of torture for a person to endure.
I have been to my GP and been referred for counselling and it is helping, however I do have extreme difficulty being completely frank and honest with my counsellor and also my wife about what I have been experiencing because that fear of losing my son is still so intense and compelling.
My son has recently been diagnosed with autism which is another thing to add to my worries but I do feel so lucky to have him and wouldn't change him for the world. I think my troubles stem from a difficulty coping with the overwhelming love and responsibilities I feel towards him. Also I think unresolved issues from my adolescence have laid dormant for many years making me very susceptible to PNI.
Lastly I would like to say reading other peoples similar experiences on this forum has comforted me and given me some hope that I can be more open and honest to those around me about my problems.