Good Site

[Jill]

I'm so glad to have found this site where you don't need to register. I can't ask for help as my mum says I'll be fine and don't be daft and my poor hubby is probably sick of me whingeing on. My health visitor (she doesn't visit, you have to get to a weekly session on a Friday to see her - impossible when you work) is a jolly hockey sticks type who used to shout at me for my inability to breast feed and now has a go about me working full time.

I've got a 14 month old son. I go through stages of loving him to pieces and then wishing we hadn't had him then guilt. I'm so tired all the time but can't sleep. I wish he loved me but I don't think he does - my mother in law even said that he loves her more than me and I think she's right. He went through a clingy stage, but with his father - heartbroken whenever daddy left the room - no reaction at all if I do. It's my fault. When he was born I just went through the motions of looking after him but I can't say I particularly cared. I read postings on this site and everyone has more than one child to cope with so I can understand how hard it is and think they are great for doing so well. I've only got one child - I'm feeling pretty useless why can't I cope - how hard can one child be? Especially seeing as he's a good child.

I've considered which would be easier - pills or hot bath and sharp knife. The only thing that stops me is the thought of leaving my husband (the best thing since sliced bread) to cope on his own.

Thanks to anyone who reads this. Sorry for being so whingey and pathetic.

It doesn't matter if there are no replies. In some ways I feel better just for typing this down and sending into the ether. Silly eh?

[Elaine]

Dear Jill

I'm so sorry you are feeling so low. I cannot believe how many mums always blame themselves for everything and think they are incapable and useless. Just remember you have had a complete change to your life and it is bound to be difficult and strange. When I first had my daughter (7 months ago) I also felt like you and wished I hadn't got pregnant. Then you start to feel terribly guilty for thinking that! I too had a very 'stuck in their way' midwife who told me off for not breastfeeding and told me to sit on my sofa and feed my daughter all day until I got the hang of it! No wonder so many new mums feel so pathetic and useless when there are people like them telling them so. My daughter is bottle fed and is non the worse for wear!

Have you visited your doctor and told him/her how you feel? They may be able to prescribe anti-depressants which will help to lift your mood. You mustn't suffer in silence PND is an illness and not something you can just snap out of. You're brilliant for going back to work so don't knock yourself. I thought my daughter didn't love me when I was at my worst - but I can assure you your little boy loves you more than anyone in the world, you are his mummy.
I don't think it matters how many children you have - it is hard work and a complete shock to the system. Do you ever get any quality time to yourself - even if it is just to read a magazine and have a leisurely cup of coffee?
It is good to get it out of your system I found this and talking to people is a great help. Your not whingy and your definitely not pathetic, you're just a mum who is feeling low and depressed - and that's nothing to feel bad about.

I really hope this helps. Feel free to keep in touch - I do know how rough it is. I am slowly coming out of the dark cloud and starting to feel better and I promise you, you will too. Take care Jill

Elaine

[Jill]

Elaine

Thankyou. I've heard about the kindness of strangers but never experienced it until now. I couldn't reply yesterday as I read your note and "filled up" (in a nice way!) I do have better days - I think I've been feeling so low recently because the little chap's teething and it's so hard when they're not sleeping / in pain - especially seeing as he is generally a happy little boy. I've printed your note off. When I feel low I will read it. It's good to know there are people who care and understand. I'm glad you're feeling better. I'm sure I will be soon - I had a really bad day yesterday but feel better today. I think that's the hard thing for people to understand with me, I have so many highs and lows. Soon I'm sure the highs will outnumber the lows.

Take care of yourself.
Jill

[Jo]

Dear Jill,

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better now. I agree with Elaine, you're doing a great job, and you shouldn't blame yourself. It sounds like you havn't got a lot of family support, but I know that when you are so low you take every little comment to heart. I aggree with you, health visitors are a total waste of time, i'm sure that my pnd was triggered by the huge pressure put on me to breast feed, and the lack of support given by those who should really know better.

You're doing really well to work full time, I don't work at all (my choice) and can't imainge what it like to have to get myslef orgainsed and out the door in the morning let alone actually do a full time job. please don't blame yourself for everything, pnd isn't your fault, it just happens and its so unfair because there aren't many people who acutally understand what is happening to you.

I had pnd and am OK now, I just come onto this web site from time to time to give other people support. when I was in the middle of pnd I felt like there was no end, no hope of getting better, but I did and now life is better than it has ever been. Please try to talk to your gp - mine was surprisingly helpful and i had a great session of counseliing and didn't need tablets at all.

let us know how you're getting on
love
Jo

[John Martin]

Hi Jill,

I really felt for you having read your message "to the ether". It reminded me so much of how my wife felt when we had our daughter Emma (now 13!). For us, now, all those feelings are way in the past but we can both remember them like it was yesterday. Elaine's reply was spot on and there's not much I can add other than the usual cliche that it will take a little time BUT ALSO to seek some help. Talk to your GP about how you are feeling/coping and if he doesn't listen......get another GP! Someone once told us that it can be like a grieving process, you are grieving for the "old you". I'm not sure it's the best analogy but it's not a bad one either, your life has changed so much, so quickly, and everyone (well nearly everyone) just expects that you'll take it in your stride and cope like you were made for it!
Don't beat yourself up, hundreds of thousands of people have felt like you do, you're not alone and you will come out the other side. This is a great site/message board, well supported by past sufferers of PND, so keep coming back here and reading replies to you and new messages from others, I think you'll find it will be a big help to know that many people are feeling just like you right now. You are not alone.
You can also visit my website (it's a bit dated but there is some good info on it) at www.abroch.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk
and you can also e-mail me and Margaret (my wife) directly at [e-mail]
Hope today is one of the slightly better days.
John.

[jan]

Hi Jill,
I know this won't make you feel any better but I am full of admiration that you are feeling so low and still able to go to work! Well done. My motivation is still so low that doing anything more than the essentials is a big achievement!
Writing it all down does make you feel better, but I felt so much better once I visited my g.p. He has prescribed some antidepressants and I am due to see a counsellor in a couple of weeks. I am hoping that talking to someone impartial will help me clear away a lot of debris that has been floating around for too many years.
Having children is a major change and I really don't think we give ouselves enough time to adjust to it. Before children we would have thought very long and hard about making a complete career change, especially one that was going to be demanding and badly paid, but with motherhood we all seem to think that it will all slot into place and we'll find our niche in life. Having children is rewarding but in many different ways. As long as your son is aware that you love him and he is important to you, that is all that matters. All children go through phases of wanting the other parent, irrelevant of whether mum is working or not.

You will feel better about it all, but a visit to your g.p will probably help.I held out for a year after my son was born and now wished that I had gone much sooner. Take care and let us know how you are getting on.