I feel like a giantic failure

[Susan]

I have two beautiful children a 31/2 year old and a 8 month old, I love them both dearly and my 8 month old daughter is such a good little girl I just can't believe she's mine sometimes. My husband is trying to start a business and is away alot as he also works at a job. I belong to a playcentre and go there two times a week, life should be great, but it's not!!.
I feel like a huge failure and a fraud . I try to act normally but find myself crying and feeling miserable all the time,Than I feel guilty because there are a lot of people worse off than me.I feel I'm just going through the motions and not really living.I find it hard sometimes to just do the basic things around home,just looking at the dishes on the bench seems like such a big hurdle.
My husband knows something is not right but I feel that he doesn't want to know and already has too much pressure with trying to start this business and everyday pressures. I'm scared to go to a doctor for fear they will put me on anti-depressions ,which my husband has strong views on. My family recently visited and helped out around the place doing things that needed to be done and seem to be of the opinion that I'm a bit down and should get on with things. But I just can't seem to break free and if I do feel good for a while I just seem to come crashing back down and seem to be getting further into this hole.
But I feel like a fraud because maybe I'm just a weak person and don't really have PND at all. I know what I should do, I should go to my doctor , but I don't what to turn the spotlight on me, so to speak, and with the new business I feel I am not a priority . Sorry for going on , just thought I'd tell someone, pathetic really

[Elaine]

Hello Susan

So sorry you are feeling so down. First and foremost you are most definitely not pathetic! You must not feel that because you feel down you must suffer alone and in silence. You are important and need support and reassurance.

It does sound very much like you have PND. Don't be afraid to visit your Doctor. Anti-depressants are not the dreadful pills they are made out to be. They are there to help lift you and make recovery easier and quicker. I was very anti-going on them, afraid I would become addicted, but my daughter is now 13 months old and I feel great. I am currently weaning myself off the tablets and feel no ill-effects.

It is very easy for someone who does not have PND to say things like "just get on with things, there are people far worse off than you", it doesn't help and only makes the sufferer feel even worse. You are suffering from an illness. If you had a bad does of flu or were laid up in bed for weeks on end, everyone would rally round you and never dream of saying such things. But because this is an illness where women are very good at hiding it, people do not appreciate what you are going through!

Don't be hard on yourself, you have two children, a house to keep, a husband starting a new business and that is a lot of pressure even for a mum without PND. Be proud of what you have achieved, coping whilst your husband is away, having a beautiful baby girl who is so good. This is all down to you.

I have been through all that you mention and I know how hard it is. Get all the help you can, see your doctor, get some time just for you and don't worry about the housework, it can wait.

I really hope you start to feel brighter - I promise it does go eventually and it makes you a stronger person.

Take care Susan

Best wishes

Elaine
xx

[susan]

Hi
I know this looks confusing but yes we do have the same name!
I have been in precisely the same position as you. My husband has his own business and all the responsibilities and pressures that entails. I refused to believe anything was wrong for 12 months because I thought it was just me and I was a failure and I should be able to sort things out. I'd had a high powered job and these feelings should not have been happening to me !! I would wave my husband off each morning "have a nice day", then I would pray my baby would go to sleep and then sit on the bedroom floor with my head in my hands unable to function.
I went to my GP after ringing my health visitor in rather a state. He prescribed the dreaded antidepressants and I thought I can't possibly take those. But hey guess what !! I did start to take them and to my amazement life did start to improve. It's not instant but golly those little pills really help to gradually get life back into perspective. They are a means to an end - getting better. I am not addicted to them and have almost reduced my dose to zero as I have become more well.
Please please visit your GP. If you trust them and they are sympathetic you have done the right thing and with whatever treatment - even just talking it through - honestly you will start to feel better. Tell your husband how you feel and that you are going to the GP to make yourself better. He will probably be very relieved that it is out in the open and something is being done.
I really hope everything works out for you and apologise for being a bit long winded, but having been there I know all this helps
Good luck
Susan