feeling so alone

[sadie]

I don't know where to begin. I've been diagnosed with PND and am on anti-depressants, although I feel they are not really helping much.

I've been reading about PND on various websites and it just makes me feel even worse. I can't see that anyone can make it all go away. There are other underlying issues that are not helping at all. I am so insecure that I imagine my husband is tempted to see another. I concuct stories in my head and make them so real. He's tired of me accusing him of things.

I'm becoming obsessive about checking teletext everyday to see what he'll be watching on tv because I'm going to bed early. I'm in an instant mood with him if he comes to bed late when I know there's been an erotic film on or some trashy rubbish about lap dancers etc. Every time I stay up with him, he's always falling asleep or wanting to go to bed cause he's tired. He doesn't really give me much choice other than to think these thoughts.

The reason I'm so obsessed with this is because I am so ashamed of my body. How can he fancy this stretch-marked wobbley bellied person that isn't the girl he married and is so ugly and doesn't make the effort anymore??

I guess I haven't really talked to anyone properly (saying that, it's only been my health visitor, gp and husband. I won't let anyone know how I feel). Sorry about the waffling. I've never been on a forum before so I don't know how this works?

[Elaine]

Hi Sadie

So sorry to hear you are feeling so awful. PND is such a nasty illness and makes us feel and think the most bizzare thoughts.

You have been through such a lot just by having a baby and added to that you now have PND which is a huge burden. Firstly you mustn't blame yourself for any of this. You are not well and I'm afraid that this illness doesn't care who it hits. Everything you feel and think becomes magnified hence you believing that you are not attractive to your husband. I too felt just like you and really believed my boyfriend would become tired of me and my depression and everytime I saw a beautiful girl on tv I would cringe and imagine him wishing he was with her instead of me. One day he actually confronted me and asked why I flinched whenever a stunning woman appeared on tv. I was a bit shocked but told him how I felt and he just laughed, gave me a big hug and said I was the only girl for him, I was the mother of his daughter and he loved me more now than ever. I'm sure your husband feel exactly the same. Be proud of what you have achieved and who you are. You are a mother and that is one of the most beautiful assets you can have.

Talk to your hubby and tell him how you feel. You need lots of hugs and reassurance at the moment. Treat yourself to a beauty treatment - pamper yourself and remember how important you are. As for the stretch-marked wobbly bellied person - I bet you loads of women feel the same as you - I know I do - but you're still the girl he fell in love with and a flabby tummy is nothing and I bet you're not ugly!!

Be kind to yourself Sadie you are going through a very difficult time and everything just seems dreadful. I know, I have been there, but am pleased to say I am coming out of that dark, dismal tunnel and so will you and you will be a better person for it.

Take care honey - put on some lippy, spray on your favourite perfume and remember just how special you are to your baby and your husband!!

[Wendy]

Dear Sadie

Good on you for writing so honestly. It sounds like you feel really bad. How long have you been on your tablets for? I found mine took about four weeks to make a difference and when that happened I just thought I was magically well again. However when I missed a couple of days I felt like s _ _ _ again so I figure I'd better keep on them for as long as it takes.
My mind started running away with me too so I always make sure the radios on during the day which distracts me, reduces the mind chatter and reduces the lonely feeling. Getting out of the house seems to help too and occupies my mind.

I hear you feel bad about your body. The stretch marked wobbly bellied woman you describe is still the same person inside who has produced a baby from her body - how clever. I acknowledge that you would like to look differently and that pregnancy and birth can take it's toll. You're body's been through a lot and it takes time to recover. Maybe exercise or help from a skin clinic etc could help things there.

One day at a time though hey Sadie? Which is your biggest priority right now? - maybe start there in a manageable way and you never know where it may lead. One things certain it won't be forever - believe me I've been there.

Kind thoughts
Wendy