knowing Im well and looking to the future ?

[Catherine]

I have found so much information on pnd but not much on what it actually feels like to have overcome this dreaded illness and what the future holds. I am definately over the worst but 18 months after the attack I still feel shell shocked by the whole drama. Although I seem to be doing everything quite normally and have regained my energy and enthusiasm to a greater extent, I cant seem to come to terms with what has happened. I am recieving councelling and I am told that I am better and that I know Im better!!However its all been like a terrible nightmare (I had severe postnatal depression at 6 months postnatally, with a sudden and dramatic onset including amnesia and visual disturbance) although most symtoms have eased considerably and virtually disappeared, I am now left with a residual fear of what my future holds in terms of my mental health. I have not previously suffered from clinical depression and as this was a major bout Im worried about my future in terms of mental health. Surely other women must feel the same. The APNI are very reassuring telling me that noone ever goes back to the way they were when very ill, but I cant reassure myself very well, I wondered if any women can testify to a healthy future after PND.

[Wenfdy]

Hi Catherine

Just thought I'd reply to you since all's quiet in response to your post. I feel similarly to you in the way you've described your recovery. Still lots of questions like "how did I end up so dreadfully low so quickly?" "will my loved ones trust me to be a good Mum in the future after being so "helpless"and dependent on them during that time?" And basically a feeling of having my confidence knocked about re my abilities and capabilities.

I guess, like birth, the pain and memories will fade with time and become less intense. I hear that P.N.D. can sometimes return with subsequent births so I figure we'll be just good as gold until then!! (if that is what the future holds for us)

Kind thoughts
Wendy

[Catherine]

Thanks Wendy for answering my post, its nice to know someone feels like me! I didnt really plan to have any more children as I am now 38 and I am happy with my two little scamps (a boy and a girl). I do sometimes, however, wonder what it would be like to have another child, but then feel a little saddened thinking that if I did decide to become pregnant again, there may be a chance of descending back into the sheer hell I have recently climbed out of and that worry really rules out the option of any more children for me, completely. I understand that it may not necessarily happen with subsequent births but I was so shaken by this illness (to the very core!) that I feel I must avoid any future risks of reoccurance. I shudder when I think of what I have experienced, maybe at the moment it is all to close for comfort and as you say in time I may feel differently about things. My main concern at the moment is whether PND will effect my future mental health without having more children, I suppose what I could really do with is a medal or some kind of award that proves I have made it to the other side and hope that it only has to be a once in a lifetime achievement, never to be battled again!!!!
Thanks again
Catherine