Fear of depression or depression itself?

[AB]

our baby is now just 23days old and in the main we're doing fine (well certainly from my perspective), however I'm not quite sure how to handle what my wife seems to be going through at the moment.

About 18months ago she was diagnosed as clinically depressed. She had 2 courses of antidepressants and a long run of counselling which she felt good enough to drop spring last year. Her pregnancy wasn't too bad and after an initial concern over the lifestyle implications and working through an absolute fear of the pain of childbirth we settled down to a good run through the first 7months. Terribly debilitating sciatica meant that as baby didn’t come on time we opted for a c-section rather than induction, but baby was delivered healthy and bouncing.

Since birth it has to be said she’s (the baby) isn’t the quietest of babies and does seem to be constantly hungry – and not afraid to let us know about it. My wife is successfully breastfeeding in the main, but it doesn’t seem enough, and so we’ve started supplementing with formula too. In the evening the little guzzler can seem to go through both breasts (which as we express we know are producing in excess of 5-7oz when full) and then still over the following hour or so down a further 6oz of formula. But I tell you this only as background, because I think it’s important to know this as part of the picture as my wife is starting saying she is feeling “inadequate” as she’s unable to feed her child and / or settle her.

I think I’ve been pretty supportive throughout her initial depression, but what I’m seeing now is what I can only explain as an absolute fear of spiralling into PND which seems to be taking her down that slope (quite ironic I guess). I’m a pretty typical upbeat kind of guy who will generally find a silver lining to most things, so I appreciate probably not the best person to be around when going through depression, but I’m now in a position where I don’t think she’s necessarily suffering from PND (certainly nothing other than mild feelings), but I can’t really discuss it openly with her because I fear that if she starts believing (openly) that some of her negative helpless feelings might be more than Baby Blues would simply drive her more swiftly into PND – and that is her biggest fear, being depressed again.

She’s pushed herself far far too hard over the past few weeks and set and achieved goals that to be honest she was in no physical state to tackle, but she’s seen that if she can do X or go shopping in Y within 10 days then that will mean that she’ll be able to cope when I go back to work. However now those things are done the fact that the baby won’t give her enough peace to clean the house from top to bottom and do an open university degree after 20 days is seemingly serving to highlight her failure.

Although a very bright woman she’s not a career woman, but she’s fearful that this is it now and life is going to be this dull and difficult forever (no matter how many people tell her that once the baby starts interacting it all becomes more worthwhile / rewarding). I should also probably add that we have no close support network, her mother is currently cooing over her son’s 14month old “perfect & beautiful” granddaughter with no real urgency / interest in paying a visit to us, whilst this is my parents’ first grandchild and she resents the fact that they (admittedly in quite a smothering way) would move heaven and earth to have a more active part in our life now.

Mmm – this has proved a bit of a rant hasn’t it (probably helpful in itself, so thanks for that). But anyway – my main reason for posting here is to see if there’s any advice out there as to whether I’m better off continuing as we are, trying to encourage her and show her how well we’re all doing, waiting for the day when the baby smiles back or settles more readily, or do I broach the dreaded PND thing and pray that if indeed this is the start of it that the benefit of early diagnosis and assistance would outweigh the pretty certain slide that trying to openly address this is likely to herald?

Any help / advice/ pointers gratefully received.

AB

[deborah]

Dear AB,

There seems to be a number of issues here so i will go through them one by one.
First of all well done in using this site as it is run and owned by Veritee who has a number of us (i'm Deborah by the way) helping out on here.

You will find everyone on here very caring and helpful so please use this as a way of gettig thingsd 'out in the open' if iot helps you feel better and please don't feel you are 'ranting' in anyway as your writing is therapeutic to you and a way for us to understand how you are feeling at the moment.

Secondly did your GP or your wife's psychiatrist highlight the fact that she is at high risk of developing PNI following her pregnancy as she has a history of it??
Did her midwife and Health Visitor not have this on her notesso they could keep 'an eye' (for want of a better phrase) on her postnatally??
If so are they helping?
If not why are they not aware, and what do they know about her emotional state now?
Thirdly, if your wife is breatfeeding and stressed this could be affecting the QUALITY of her milk supply and themore the baby is fed via formula themore your wifes milk supply in terms of quality and eventually quantity will diminish.
Is her HV helping here? Do you know about the NCT? National Childbirth Trust? They have Breast.Feeding Counsellors who will come to your house and help your wife with B/F if she wishes to continue.
You do not have to be a member to have this service.
Alternatively your HV should know of someone in the health centre who is UNICEF trained in B/F (UNICEF is a course for B/F health professionals)
who can help in much the same way.
Babies can have growth spurts and feed constantly plus they enjoy the closness of their mum so she may be feeding for a while, dozing off with the breast in her mouth and only if she is taken off she will 'feed' again so unless someone is there and trained in B/F only they will be able to assess what is going on.

Fourthly, her history of depression makes her likelyhood of getting PNI quite high. She is already making unreasonable demands on herself to cram in everything and be a perfect mother, plus she is feeling 'inadaquate' as she is not able to settle her baby, but it could be another circle of events because her baby COULD be picking up her moods.
Did she have baby Blues after the birth? If so were they severe?
If so, this too is indicative of getting PNI so i would have thought her Health professionals would have picked this up.

Fifth: i think you are spot on about your last remark.
Nip this in the bud. She may be having some difficulties with coming to terms with motherhood, and this may be a factor, (depending on why she had depression in the first place) in her developing PNI now.
In my view she is starting already to behave irrationally, by doing too much and feeling the way she has done.
The birth itself does she see the C/Section as her 'not being a real woman' for not giving birth ''naturally''?
There may be things she is thinking but not telling you.
It is early days now but you have done the right thing by alerting someone to her predicament.
Spaek to her GP on the 'phone or in person if you prefer and tell him/her your concerns, they are duty bound not to discuss anything with you; (because of patient confidentiality- even between husband and wife) but they will listen and take what you say into account.
The midwife can return to your wife if she has a better relationship with her and not the HV (Health Visitor) but if you have a good HV tell her your concerns.
The earlier she is supported, the better the outcome.

Let us know what happens and don't be afraid to seek support for yourself on here as that is important too.
Best wishes and love
Deborah XX

[deborah]

ps i forgot to say veritee and i have our phone numbers and e-mail addresses on here.
Mine is [e-mail]
or the PNI Helpline is 01335 347599.
Deborah x

[Puds]

HI - I too am concerned about my partner. reading the literature she has a huge propensity to develop PNI (history of depression, spd, long labour, c section and haemorage...) and is begining to show signs of not wanting teh baby, feeling she cant cope, wondering if we did the right thing in having him...crying, not sleeping - because he isnt sleeping or really settling at all...i am trying to work but realise i have to take time of to help and that stresses her further....what to do?

[deborah]

Puds,
Give me a call on the number above if you need to speak to me about any thing.
Get your wife to talk also if she vwill pick up the 'phone.
Or e-mail me??
[e-mail]

Helpline (PNI) 01335 347599

[William]

Hello,

If there are any men out there who would like to speak to another man, I don't claim to be a trained counceller but I'm happy to discuss our experiences, as my wife has PNI, and I've found things quite difficult myself. Though it can be useful talking to women, I'd like to be able to talk to other men in a similar situation, even if it's just to say hello, and I'm sure other men must feel the same.

I can be contacted through [e-mail], and I'm also known by Debbie, (who's a great person to talk to anyway).

Take care and remember you can't look after others unless you look after yourselves!!

Best wishes,
William

[Vikki]

hello ab

just a small note Ive just read your post and i know how you are feeling Ive been in the same place with our last baby my wife was breast feeding but we supplemented with bottles as the baby wasn't full and she felt the same as your wife .
in my opinion i think you should get your wife to speak to the hv about how she is feeling they are there to help because as apartner of pnd you are the last on that they talk to its not their fault it just on of those things i suppose get here to talk to people on the site they have really helped my wife its good just to get it out in the air but if she writes ask if you can read but don't comment on things she says as she would be trying to get things straight in her head then she might try and talk to you more

keep your chin up things can only get better?


aaron husband: