Help me help her.

[Arjun]

About 11 months ago, my partner had a c-section, had difficulties with her breastfeeding, our child became severely dehydrated and was hospitalised for 10 days, she lost her father to cancer three months later and is now in what seems to be a really difficult space at the moment.

I am coming to the conclusion that all these event alone would be tough but I'm now factoring in PNI. She seems to always be very low, eating poorly, unable to cry.

I've undergone training as a counsellor and have implored her to go for some person-centred counselling but she is reluctant - I think because she is quite a private person anyway.

I'm stuck.

[deborah]

Dear Arjun,
person-centered counselling is not what she needs right now.
I understand where you are coming from here but this is best left until she is stable on medication and more able to cope with her life before she examines any issues in her world.

i understand how Carl Rodgers model is useful for helping her know what her own issues are but at the moment she is still getting over a number of traumatic events in her life.
Why did she need the c-section? Was it an emergency?
Why did she not breastfeed? Was she given any support with this from a professional or her family or a freind?
For the baby to become dehydrated it must have been so scary for her as most baby's who are breastfed don't go dehydrated as the get fore-milk they are usually hungry because they need the full breastmilk with the dense nutrients and fats which fill the baby's tummy and make them feel full. Are you from the UKn or USA with adequate healthcare?

She needs medication and access to specialist help as soon as possinble. Has she bonded with her baby?

Counselling is really nit the answer. She needs time, care, love understanding and acknowledgment about all she has been through. How can she face up to something that she has no understanding of?
Would she come on here and tell us how she is?
will you tell us how she ended up with a c-section etc as it is vital to her recovery to sort out what has happened to her. Please dont mention counselling to her just for the moment. Wait until she has effective medication and has been stable for a few months. Thses things take time and specialist help.
Keep in touch,
Best wishes
Deborah

[Arjun]

Deborah - thanks for the reply. I hear what you’re saying about the counselling - she needs the break from what's going on now.


She had to have a c-section was because they thought the baby was in distress and she wasn’t dilated enough, despite being in labour for a number of hours. We were both keen on breastfeeding and she endeavoured to get him latched on and he seemed to be feeding - although she was never confident that he was feeding properly. The support from the professionals was abysmal with aggressive and intolerant midwives in the maternity unit. Milk production was fine - at least when we used a pump from the NCT. When we got home we carried on as normal but still uncertain about how the breastfeeding was going. The visiting midwives didn't weigh the baby in accordance with their protocol while he was at home with us and so the fact that he had lost coming up to 25% weight only came to light when they did weigh him and we were told to start supplementing his feeding using formula. The next day we got a phone call from a midwife asking us to bring him in immediately - I presume she was reviewing our notes and was concerned.

We then went to the hospital where they got some lines into him and fed him directly into his stomach - he was diagnosed with hypernatremic dehydration. As new parents we thought he was fine as he was still active - we trusted the midwives to know what was what as we did have quite a few visits. The even had to have a ultrasound of his brain to see if he had suffered a stroke - they were both in hospital for about 10 days and we got better support from the midwives this time. She tried to carry on supplementing the formula with breastfeeding/expressing but it was eventually too much for her and he went onto solely formula.

He's the only thing that makes her smile but even that is waning now.

She's a net newbie.

Which drug therapy would you recommend - I'm concerned about adverse reactions and dependency. I spoke to her today and she seems more inclined to go for drug therapy but seem worried about the feelings coming back once she has stopped.

I'm based in London.

Thanks


Arjun

[Arjun]

Just realised that this isn't the right place for this post....

[Veritee]

Dear Arjun

To post here is fine or you can post in the main forum.

Deborah is right I was trained as a person centred group worker/counsellor, Carl Rogers etc, but to suggest she go for this kind of counselling - or for the moment any sort of counselling probably is not very helpful right now.

What she needs from you is all your love and support, understanding of the reality of caring for a young baby and of suffering PNI (perhaps reading posts on this site may help in this) and your help with the practical things to give her a break from child care as much as she needs of wants, so she can have some time to recover and take stock.

This is a lot on you for the minute I know and it is very tempting to hope that someone else like a counsellor will be able to solve it - but this is not the time.

I am not saying that counselling or going to a group is not a good idea at some point, but this HAS to be up to her and at a time when she is ready, and I am not sure from what you have said if she feels she has PNI - or if this is your opinion.

She has gone through a very traumatic time with the baby (and so have you) which even without PNI will take months even years to get over. She may have post traumatic stress disorder.

From running this site I have found there are few who have had an emergency c-section without having PTSD to some degree.

I certainly had this - see my story on the main site - even though this was never diagnosed, and quite honestly, the trauma of this birth and future hospitalisations

(my baby was hospitalised at 8 months not for dehydration but for failure to thrive - but in a way this story is quite simular to yours)

still haunt me today – so it will take more than 11 months to come to terms with this.

She may not have PNI it is for her to decide, but it does sound like she may have feelings of failure, guilt re the breastfeeding etc, which can be very hard to overcome.

I certainly had these feelings because despite my best efforts my baby was drastically underweight and it was feared she may die!

(By the way my daughter is now 15, healthy and happy)

As to medication, I did not take any and it is up to the individual to decide what is best for them in their unique circumstance, but medication does seem to make the illness shorter and in severe cases is probably a necessity.

If your partner will go on this forum I am sure this would help. You could just get her to read some of this over your shoulder if she is willing or print out what we have said or other relevant posts.
However she may feel that you are taking over or being controlling – I may have felt like this had my husband found something like this for me to read.

Anyway keep posting and I am sure we will try to help you in supporting your wife and try to support you personally.

I am sure you may need support too as this is a very hard time for partners and relatives also

All the best

Veritee

[Arjun]

Thanks again for the reply - She doesn't think she has PNI, I'm scrabbling about trying to understand what is going on for her - your suggestion of PTSD encapsulates the whole of what I *think* where she is at the moment. I've taken prints of most of this site and am flying out to see her tomorow for a couple of days - she's with her family at the moment along with our son. I'm just going to *try* to be with her and uderstand what she wants. The most powerful feeling she expresses is the desire to going back to the *old* her.

Her family is getting very concerned but I wonder how much of their desire for some sort of treatment is about struggling with seeing their daughter/sister in distress. I would include myself in this too. I'm scared that she will be unable to care for our son leaving me in an almost impossible position as I need to carry on working. This *is* tough for me but watching her as she is now.......