what can i do

[karl]

I dont know what i can do, my wife has had PND for so long and must seem like a life time of pain for her. this last year has been the worst, ive become very selfish with my work trying for promotion and i've completly missed the sign of what has been happening right under my nose. and to make matters worst I'VE made matters worst, and have said some very stupid things that are unforgiveable. i think i just need to know that there are husbands/partners out there that are feeling as lost as me or can help me to understand how to be more supportive thanks for taking the time to read this

[William not logged in]

I'm in a break in a talk, so I can't talk long. If you need to talk to someone, please phone Debbie on PNI-SH (phone number posted several times in different places on the boards, or email me with your number and I'll try to phone you later tonight.

Don't despair, living with someone with PNI is bad enough when you know about it, but when you don't it's even worse and with a new baby, life is so much more difficult. I'll try to post more later,

Will

[William]

Karl,

As a bit of background, my wife has had PNI for about 6 months now, and I'd only been in my current job for 6 months when my daughter was born. I know that it can be difficult balancing work and home life, especially when PNI is an influencing factor.

I find that it's often a case of balancing the thoughts of 'get a grip' and the softly, softly approach, and I know that I've got it wrong in the past. It is difficult, but it will get better and however many things you've said, and however bad the things you've said are, apologise and accept that it's time for a new start.

My wife and I have found that we need to give each other time alone, and I do this by going for a run at odd times, and by taking my daughter for walks in her pushchair. This gives my wife time to have a bath, watch her favourite soap in peace etc.

It is very difficult to understand what your wife is going through, but you need to talk to her and let her know how you feel, and if you need to talk to Debbie or me please feel free to. It is also important that your wife is supported aswell, so let her know that you will do that for her and if she needs any more help get her to speak to Debbie. At first my wife was reluctant to speak to Debbie, but she's best friends now, and often calls her when she's feeling down.

I set up the email [e-mail] because there is very little help for new fathers, and I wanted to be able to find others in a similar situation, and provide communication for them. I will check the email later tonight, and if you need to talk, please feel free to email me your number or, I can send you mine, or Debbie's charity PNI-SH runs a 24hr helpline if you need it.

Take care,
William

[karl]

hi william
my wife has just became a member and i have only just found out how bad she feels ( we hardly talk if we do it's with contempt on both parts) and this hurts me more than i ever thought it could. i know this sound selfish but i thought we could work through this together i'm no sure what i can do being there for her doesn't seem to be enough and i'm frightened that every thing is going pants and is out of control i'm not sure what i want to say to anyone any more like her i want to walk away but the one thing keeping me here is my love for her and the kids how did you cope? at this moment in time the only place that seems to offer any kind of normality is work but that is the wrong thing to think. i just want to take her away from all this and hold her I CAN'T EVEN TELL HER THIS. i just hope she knows how much this is hurting me i even started smoking again how stupid is that? it's like our whole world is falling downbefore this started we had so many plans for the future now i can't see past tomorrow if i'd know back then that this would happen i don't think i would want my kids i love them all dearly but the pain at this moment out ways the joy that they bring. i miss her smile and the way she was. i work in care so i know that given time the body repairs its self. i feel like a stranger in my own home. my thought aren't clear so every thing comes out all at once but someting like this does tende to mess with your head a bit i hope you read this any way

[William]

I've not got much time, but...

your wife needs to me made secure and loved,

I cope partly by work and taking time out by myself, but also giving my wife time out by herself, for baths. I'll maybe take my daughter out for a walk etc.

My main time out is kite flying at lunch, which is one thing that I really enjoy, and there are others who go out aswell. I also enjoy going out for walks with my daughter in her pushchair.

You each need support as a family and individually, do you have family nearby who can help?

Be aware that if the birth was particularly short, long or traumatic you also may have PNI / PTSD.

take care for now, back to work...

William

[Veritee]

Dear Karl

I am so sorry this is happening for you but welcome to the site.

You sound as if you are a very caring ad loving man to your wife and even though you can not say how you feel to her I know she will know how much you care.

I am afraid for many PNI does go on for a long time, especially if you have more children and the PNI had not gone or occurs again. Mine with only one child lasted five years.

However while it does seem like a lifetime when you are going through it - obviously it is not and you will still have many years with your wife and children without PNI in your lives

As to you working things through together on your own and your being there not being enough.

I have talked to many men who feel hurt and inadequate when they find their love and care does not make their wife/partner well.

Do not think your obvious love does not mean anything it truly does but PNI can not be cured by love and caring alone.

In one way I think this is because of how human beings are designed. We are social animals who naturally bring our children up within a social group and an extended family.

But I guess you are like most of now and are bringing your children up in a nuclear family with only occasional visits and assistance from relative and friends.

Parenting in a nuclear family is often an isolating, lonely and difficult task for many parents even without PNI. We have no grand parent, sibling etc to share the care of our children to give us time out and time with our partners or to free us up to work.

Often the man works and sees the family very little the women spends a lonely actually physically and mentally hard time bringing up the children it is little wonder that many families often need help from outside the home.

For some this is in the form of friends, mother and toddler groups, paid nannies etc but when you have PNI you also need a bit more.

I know that it took you a while to realise how your wife was due to your work - and I know that by the efforts you put into your work you were indirectly doing it as the best you could do for your family – there is also nothing at all wrong with seeing work as a refuge. Even women with PNI do this. I worked half time all the time my child was young and for about a year it was my place of refuge and normality. When there my child was being looked after well by someone else and was safe and I could be a normal human being who was still good at my job.

Enjoy your job but now you know you can also work together with your wife and any outside assistance to get your wife well again.

You will get that smiling person back. My husband in fact used to say this to people, that one day the person he married would be back – I did not find this out until later and I really now admire his confidence in the face of such adversity . I was very ill but he was right and I know this will be true for you too.

However in the meantime it is very difficult and if this site can help – please use it.

I hope that men will support each other on here as a place to get this support and to be able to talk freely is so needed.

I hope you do not mind me butting in on your thread

All the best

veritee

[karl]

thank you for your kind word veritee. my wife has got a thread on your site and its the only way i know how she feels. its our wedding ann soon but im not sure how thing are between us any more. when i'm at work i miss her but when i'm home it hurts its like im a stranger im my own home and i dont know what to do some times i feel the best thing i can do for her is to walk away, i think she reads this thread and will think thats what i want to do, but its not, i want to help but i dont know how.
i read some of the other threads and like some of the other men here im not sure if im part of the problem. i know that what she is going through is an awful thing and there are loads of women going through this and people on this site are very supportive of each other but i dont know what to do or say to her, before i came to this site i said some terrible thing to her because i didn't know and i wish with all my heart i never did but hind sight is a wonderful teacher. (this is coming out like crap but its my thoughts) and now a bad situation has been made worst. i guess what i want to say is to all those going through this is you need to let your partners know how you are feeling and let them in to help, as men i know we will never fully understand what its like to go though this but as partners we want to help but if we dont know how can we (i hope this make sense to some one). at the moment im working towards a promotion which will mean better hour so i'll be home in the evenings but with this i can't focus on that i'm not blaming her although when you see it writen down it can look that way. i've surgested that we go to a couciling service but the responce is that because i've what i said before its me that has the problem. i'm finding it very difficult to cope at this moment its like a fair ground ride that goes on too long and now i want to get off

[wendabell]

karl,
i just want to say that i love you and thank you for sticking with me through this i know im hell to be with and it stresses you out beyond belief too and that its a hard thing to understand .im sorry for not being able to talk to you still and for my snappyness,but you snap too. can we ever stop fighting and be friends again like we used too.
I think your a great dad,the kids love you to bits..
i love you so much and it hurts when we fight.
i could rant forever but not this time...........i love you

[wendabell]

still love you today.....im so proud of you passing your first care inspection with flying colours and then having a tooth extraction the next day.im glad you took the day off work.ive nothing to nag about today just filled with love for you :-*thanks for coming to playgroup as well.

[wendabell]

sorry i fought with you today.i was tired after coming home from work.i think i will try to write down here what makes me snap at you as every time i try to talk to you you take it the wrong way and i cant seem to say what i want to say without argueing.
let me sleep on it....

[wendabell]

had a bad couple of days......but i realised i need to go back on meds you were right again..so im going to the docs on tuesday....no i dont want you with me im ok and im sure i will go......i love you

[wendabell]

i went and im back on sertraline again,and im going to be seeing a councillor..thats a biggie for me as you know my feelings on this.
So sorry ive been vile again of late but i will stay on these for the minimum of 6 months this time even when i do start to feel better again.promise.
Im just mad that you didnt save for your own birthday trip to irland a year ago and not be asking for money now!
Just wish you would pick up after yourself too,see the untidy things ask me hey what need to be done.and ipromise i wont try to critisize you if its not to my perfectionists standard.i really do love you hunny.x.x.x

[wendabell]

HAPPY 40TH BIRTHDAY KARL.

i love you so much

[francoise]

yeah happy birthday karl

how come u dont post on here anymore karl

fran