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Post by WOFT on Dec 22, 2004 2:05:03 GMT
Been to this site a few times over last couple of months-seeking salvation. I'm convinced my wife has PNI but she won't hear of it- explodes into a raging foul-mouthed demon at the suggestion. I'm not keen on the idea of long term drug-taking either but reading through the threads it seems like the only answer? Is there another way? Or should I just pack a bag and hope she'll see sense- but that will have to wait, with it being Xmas. I thought I might try showing her this site but I don't think the computer would survive past the opening page. I just don't know how to handle it -everything I do is wrong/useless/thoughtless/selfish... Maybe I'm wrong and it is my fault- not sure of anything any more. Any suggestions as to how approach the subject whilst avoiding a scene from the "Exorcist" would be greatly appreciated. At the very least, you've given me some hope- had some laughs reading your posts- amongst the many tears I've silently shared with you. It would be nice to see her smile again...it's been such a long time
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Post by wendabell on Dec 22, 2004 11:42:36 GMT
Hi there, im glad you have found us but so sorry you and your wife are suffering.It does seem that she needs to seek help.Unfortunatly i also was in a huge denile that i had this and also nearly lost my husband too. Can you go and speak to a health visitor about her.Maybe and i know this is rather drastic but arrange for a suprise home visit to talk to her.Sometimes it needs the person from outside the family unit to tell us what we know deep down to be true. This illness strips us of all confidence,dignity and caperbiltiy of reasoning sometimes.If your wife has this she will be feeling unloved,un supported,alone,isolated and scared that she is going mad.There is still a big stigma over mental illness and that it shouldnt be talked about.This should not be so but its still true in this day and age. You sound like you love your wife very much ,if you didnt you would not have foung us for a start. I understand that you are at the end of your tether too,please dont walk out on her just yet,lets see if we can help first. Ok not knowing what you are like so i dont want to offend but you need to give her praise and when she wants it cuddles and told that you love her.Help out around the home as much as possible and try to get her to rest ,sleep is a big part of this illness and if she doesnt get enough she will be worse. You need to seek help professionally though through gp or hv.That is important above all else to get a proper diagnosis.you will not be able to do this alone. Anti depressants are not all that bad and usually they are only a seritonin replacement as we are lacking in that hormone that makes us all feel up! How about printing off some pages off here.Veretee has facts on pni or us girls have stories on feelings and experiences.My origional thread titaled " anyone out there by wendy" is a few pages into the pni forum but i wrote it back when i wasnt on anti dees and you are welcome to read it. Most of all she and you are not alone,coming on here really helps most but only when ready. Please let us know how you are both doing.
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Post by annag on Dec 23, 2004 14:01:57 GMT
I agree with everything Wendy said. Don't leave her though that would I think push her further over the edge rather than give her a wake up call. My husband actually called the health visitor when I was ill the first time round she came to see me and I just broke down. I had refused to acknowldedge what was happening up till this point and there was no way my husband could cope on his own. Give her loads of encouragement try not to blame her it's not her fault. Let her know you'll be there whatever and is she asks for help try and give it or organise for outside help. I think you could print out some information of the site and leave it lieing around. Hope this helps
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Post by wendy off line on Dec 27, 2004 9:41:05 GMT
how are you doing woft, did our advise offend you,havnt heard from you in a while hope you are both still together and have seeked help. thinking off you
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woft
New Member
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Post by woft on Jan 1, 2005 1:31:09 GMT
Hi All, Happy New Year to you all, hope you got thru Stressmas OK. I did two shortish "hello"s/replies on Wednesday night- but they didn't appear- not logged on, maybe. Tonight WOFT wasnt recognised as a user name so I'm now a small woft! I can only Type with a single digit and self-taught on this computer stuff- so I mess up frequently and lose stuff and can't be bothered to redo it and I think what I'm going to write and think "it'll take forever!" so I don't get started- be patient with me, please ;D (half an hour!-see what I mean!) By the way can someone sort the clock on here- it's very confusing- 7.50 pm when realtime it's 1.15am Thanks for the advice from before- access to my printer is main problem- noisey- kids going to bed when I get home, usually- IF Wendy goes out whilst I'm home I'm looking after the kids so don't get chance, but I'll work on it. The Dr/HV- don't know if my danglies are big enough! Don't know any of them last resort maybe. I'll just post this - see if everything works!
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woft
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Post by woft on Jan 1, 2005 2:04:38 GMT
Just thought of another problem with printing from the site- I'm talking to women on the net if I start typing in a high-pitched voice you'll know she's found out! This is the only time I get for myself 11.00 pm til 2.00 am but it's another source of argument- Wendy doesn't do computers at all- no interest- waste of time etc etc. I'm waffling aren't I, but as you've all found, it helps! Hope Wendy Moderator is feeling better- reading new posts is a habit from a diving forum I go on. I used to dive a lot- finding treasure ;D, done very little since the kids arrived though- not all because of them- other things haven't helped too. I was worried about " too much information" initially, but now it doesn't seem to matter- one dive forum member landed in Maldives on Boxing Day- the horrors over there kind of make you feel lucky.
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Post by wendabell on Jan 1, 2005 10:10:20 GMT
hello woft, got confused for a while as didnt expect your wife to be called wendy too. This is bizzare, i have welsh relations and my hubby is english although so am i. we have also been together for about the same legnth of time. And you have celtic named kids too. what lovely names, did you name them because of the beutiful story irish i remember that the names come from. it is difficult all this but please hang in there ,You really do need to get professional help, i think your health visitor is your best bet. this illness just wont go away honest,she needs help and if she is unable to see this right now you have to make the first step for her.If you dont your relationship will suffer more,there speaks the voice of experience. got to go for now got busy day,im getting there though thanks for the concern.speak later maybe
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Post by annag on Jan 3, 2005 13:17:02 GMT
Wolf for the time click on profile on the bar above. When you get to time select + 5. Hope this helps
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woft
New Member
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Post by woft on Jan 6, 2005 0:23:06 GMT
Thanks, Annag,
Now in real time ;D
I did post thanks the other night- another one that got away!- lost in cyberspace.
Had a reasonably trouble-free Christmas, surprisingly, a bit of a fall-out 28/29th an uneventful New Year- I babysat NY eve so W could go out with her sisters- she was back home 10 to midnight. WWIII on 3rd & 4th and OK-ish today.
It's all her inconsistencies that are really doing my head in- we moved here 2 1/2 yrs ago, 3 bed terrace, nice front garden, wild rear garden, nice quiet rd about 1 car/hour goes passed. Needed some work- bathroom C/heating, kitchen all stuff I earn our living at. Sorted C-heating and new int doors for ground floor within a month or so- had to change one radiator where I'd used an "as new" one to save £80.00- not good enough-so to keep the peace etc... forgot to mention-we rented before so this our first mortgage together, not easy to get either, being self-employed- a bit of financial insecurity for me- Wendy had a p/time job for 18 mths before Osian was born ( Thinks: how did I let her get away with that? skiving for 10 yrs???) Need to post before I get clicked offline and lose this
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woft
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Post by woft on Jan 6, 2005 1:18:32 GMT
No wonder she was happier then! Inconsistencies- might be easier to list and fill details as I go- main bed had a big wide shelf at h/level so our clothes were in linen baskets on this, temporarily.My Dad made us a pine bedding-box (wendy's into pine), no wardrobes. I got given a wardrobe- white, chipboard shite but spotless (as new - seriously, nothing wrong with it apart from it not being pine. No chance! Well if you won't use it I will, thought I- wrong! So for 2yrs we've had an empty wardrobe (for some reason ALL our clothes- mine underneath hers of course- are in one basket) She's constantly complaining house is too small and she has nowhere to put anything. Anyway, Osian's room was sorted and the spare bedroom was my office/computer room- had to run phone-line & extra sockets to it. Next I fitted new bathroom, moved everything round to make it "bigger", 1/2 pine clad, rest tiled. Badgered for a few weeks to fit a pine corner wall-unit (pine) so I fitted it and put most of stuff off window-sill into it. " I didn't want that in there" she says- it's still empty. She's pregnant with Ffion- end of "love-life"- so spare bedroom now needed. We have a small room off the living room with a too-big pine table and chairs and some pine cupboards in it and the phone- the only reason we go in there because the tables too big- "ideal office" says I- wrong! War-zone. Off the "kitchen" a small utillity room, outside an unused loo- plan "B". Just remembered the "Two washing-machines saga"- I'll have to come back, it's late now. All the best, Terry
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woft
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Post by woft on Jan 9, 2005 1:16:38 GMT
Just realised, re-reading my tedious posts above, how far back this illness I'm convinced Wendy has is rooted. Having read through this forum I think it could have actually started before Osian was born so that would make it about 4 yrs! A lot of Hell! We talked occasionally about having kids but neither of us felt a desperate NEED to have them. She was on a recommended break from the pill, her clock was ticking,and after a boozy night out she "dared" me to ride bare-back and do the business- so I did. A one-hit wonder - a step onto the merry-go-round you can never get off. As soon as the pregnancy was confirmed she started the nest-building in earnest- decorating, cleaning etc- we'd need a new washing machine for baby stuff, ok. "The one we've got will do for our stuff"-what 2 washing machines? Err...OK, I suppose?? Then her beloved house-cats (One with cat-aids(?) and the other with leukemia) were banished to a kennel she had my Dad build for her (Mum & Dad lived nextdoor BTW) There was even a special cat-food fork - can't be too careful I suppose. Carpets were replaced/ shampooed, all fairly reasonable- first born arriving and all- until the skin started falling off her hands. She'd quietly developed that compulsive whatever disorder which she cured herself by using marigolds, sort of. Then Osian arrived, textbook fashion. But nothing can prepare you for that totally awe-inspiring moment when he opened his eyes and looked into mine (I know they're not supposed to be able to see very well but it felt like he was looking through my eyes into my soul and me into his) Still got the image in my mind- crystal-clear.
Time to go again.
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Post by wendy off line on Jan 9, 2005 3:49:20 GMT
hi woft are you seeking help yet.Your posts are very descriptive and show you love your wife but. i cant stop stressing that you need to get her some help.
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Post by annag on Jan 9, 2005 10:38:10 GMT
Woft I'm with wendy you really do need to do something about the situation it won't go way on it's own.
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woft
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Post by woft on Jan 11, 2005 1:21:51 GMT
Hi folks, Thanks for your concern, I'm on the case- apparently there's a new HV on the block who's sympathetic to the issues of PNI and I should be getting a contact number in the very near future. I'll just have to go for it and suffer the consequences. As I said earlier, Wendy is adamant that there is nothing wrong with her and it's me and circumstances that's the problem. As soon as an impromptu HV turns up I'll cop-it big style. But things are getting no better. Her parents will hear nothing of it, either. Ages ago both myself and my Mum tried asking them to suggest to her that she could have PNI and from all getting on we're now in a "families at war" situation. For best part of 10 yrs we lived next door to my parents before moving 200yds to where we are now and Wendy spent hours of every day with my mum but recently Wendy treats my mum like the spawn of the devil. That's what's starting to really wear me down- the almost daily tirades always turn to a foul-mouthed condemnation of my mother, my family, my friends and today her friend (who everyone used to think was her sister they spent so much time together) and this is always full-bore screaming expletives in front of (and sometimes at) the kids.
Anyway, call it a day for now, have to see if I can squeeze some laughs into future posts- restore my sanity and rise above the doom and gloom ;D
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Post by Veritee on Jan 11, 2005 13:08:34 GMT
Dear Woft
Hi I have not talked to you before, but welcome to the forum.
However I have followed your thread when I have been able to and it is good to see a man using the site.
However I am not really clear on why exactly you are so convinced Wendy has PNI when she herself does not feel she has?
PNI is not usually a diagnosis anyone can make for someone else and if a woman has PNI she may very well try to hide it from the general public - and try to smile through it - and even her mum etc however with PNI it is almost impossible not to realise that something is wrong and it is unusual to try and hide this from those closest to us, for as long as your wife has if she has had PNI from the time of her first birth, when you are in the distress PNI causes it is difficult to keep up the denial for so long, especially a father of the child we have it with!
At the very least having PNI is so emotionally painful that most women just HAVE to seek support and treatment for it as it feel impossible to get through on your own ( this is my experience and the experience of almost all women I have supported on here and thought the Association of Post Natal Illness APNI)
The exception to this is when someone has mainly a psychotic version of the illness whereby their behaviour is very erratic - it usually comes on very shortly after the birth, within 10 days - and caused extreme concern to those close to them - but the mother with it is not really fully aware of how worrying her behaviour is. Then friends and family really have to seek help for their loved relative.
I have read through your posts and from what you have said your wife does not seem to be displaying psychotic symptoms at all? Please tell me if I am wrong? Also psychotic behaviours usually occur in the first few weeks and are really too extreme to have any doubts about.
I realise that having said this that Wendabell and others on the site have said they were in denial of the illness even to their partners and it could be that your wife is too.
However in Wendabell and others cases it was eventually they that decided/made the diagnosis that they had PNI for themselves even if it took some time
- as you may have gathered I am very worried about someone else making this diagnosis/decision for someone else and perhaps setting the person on the route to being diagnosed as having a mental health issue - when equally they may not and they do not this so.
I agree with Annag that to leave her would probably not do either of you any good at this stage, whether your partner has PNI or not and you could as Annags partner did – ask a health visitor to call round and just to set your mind at rest that you have done all you can I would certainly call your HV and tell them the situating and ask them to call. But having done this it will be Wendy who will have to decide if she needs treatment.
In fact I would think that if you are convinced Wendy is ill that this should be your next step – to either get Wendy to agree to consult a doctor or failing this as a GP or a HV to call.
This will at least make you think you have done your best – and anything further has to be up to the person concerned ie Wendy. cont below
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