Post by Veritee on Jan 11, 2005 13:09:28 GMT
But as you point out going on medication such as Anti Ds is not something anyone should do unless they absolutely need it and having a mental health diagnosis can have implications upon your life, even your future employment especially if you work in the public sector, something which you would not want to risk unless it is absolutely necessary.
( I for instance have recently been told I can not be a foster parent, which I dearly wanted to do, because I have had a mental health diagnosis!)
What I am trying to say is I am quite concerned that you may be putting the changes that have occurred in your wife since the birth of her child down to PNI when it is not!!!!
Having a baby practically changes everything for many women. After the birth we may no longer keep quiet about things we were unhappy about before and our main concern and focus is the baby and the baby’s welfare.
Often a partner or husband takes second place for sometime and our only interest in them is what they can do to support us supporting our baby.
The things your say about Wendy’s nest building sound very normal to me as many women go through this and when you say she has a cleaning obsession, by this do you mean she has to compulsively wash her hands after every activity or just that she became over concerned about hygiene after her first was born?
Can you tell me if she is still like this and if so is it really that much over the top or just an over concern that many with young children get?
Cleaning certainly was not at all a feature of my illness and in fact I probably did too little housework yet a friend of mine who did not suffer PNI at all, went in the deep end when it came to cleaning when her baby was born and did not get over it until her child was about 5 and as he was a really rough and tumble boy it became impossible to keep him clean!
My symptoms were more of in the beginning a feeling of unreality and I did for a short time have a feeling their were voices going round my head, but not obvious audio hallucinations, then extreme tiredness, dizziness and misty/foggy vision, feeling physically ill , vomiting some mornings as if I still had morning sickness, headaches etc together with panic attacks, crying all the time, occasional outbursts of rage when it all became too much - but this was not a major feature, feelings of low self esteem, feeling I was a bad mother and bad for my family as well as horrible intrusive thoughts in the day and nightmares at night with feelings that the world was a horrible and dangerous place to bring up a child and a feeling of doom - that something awful was about to happen to me and/or my child and family.
These symptoms did not occur all at once but in stages - at first they were mainly physical and then the thoughts and panic were uppermost and feeling of doom then the low self esteem & lack of confidence
Does any of this ring bells with you about how your wife is??
Have you read the thread about tiredness at veritee.proboards7.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&n=1&thread=844
or the one about Physical symptoms at veritee.proboards7.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&n=1&thread=690
or some threads about intrusive thoughts at veritee.proboards7.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&n=1&thread=812
I did also feel anger towards my partner but mainly because he just did not seem to get it! i.e. understand how horrible and ill I was feeling and at first did not give me the help I needed.
As to the wardrobe, I am afraid I had to laugh as I am the same I only want ‘real’ furniture ie pine/wood or I would rather have none at all. I am quite capable of ignoring a melamine piece of furniture if it was bought without consultation rather than use it – I would have probably burnt it by now though!.
I am sorry to sound so unsympathetic to what you are saying but actually I am not – I would like this forum to support you, but I feel your should come on here for your own support and not your wife’s by proxy.
What I am trying to say is that I feel from the strength of your anger and distress about your relationship and home situation since your children were born you do need support and I am happy that you seek it from this site.
However I feel that maybe you are asking for this support on the wrong basis. I may prove to be very wrong but nothing you have said about your wife’s behaviour sounds at all to me like PNI. I agree that maybe her behaviour is not very reasonable and if you really can not afford 2 washing machines and you can not afford the pine furniture she wants it does sound that there is a lack of compromise on her part (although I do not want to make judgements about someone I have never read anything by – but I have read what you have said)
(I know people who have 2 and my one machine with only one child is on the go 24/7, so if I could afford it I would have 2, just - pointing out that this could all be a matter of your financial position, and your/her expectations, not necessarily mental illness)
I am not saying Wendy could not have PNI but it could equally be her not being happy with what your finances can provide and maybe discontent with your relationship that she is not voicing that is leading her to be inconsiderate and unreasonable.
Have you asked if she is happy and if there is anything she feels could change or she is not content with?
I am also very much concerned about you!
From what you have said, while I do not believe men get PNI in the same way as a woman who has carried the baby and given birth - it does sound to me that most of what you are saying here is about your own distress and lack of acceptance and even anger at the changes having children have made to your lifestyle, your partners expectations and your life in general.
And that whatever the cause of the behaviour Wendy has that distresses you so much - you need support too!
Even if in the end Wendy does prove to have PNI – and do not think I am ruling this out, I just feel we need to support you for you and your feelings around what is happening for you and not try to diagnose or support someone who is not on here and who you do not even feel able to be honest to about going on this site.
I also think that if your were to regard this site as support for you and not your wife as a third party – on this basis hopefully you may be able to tell your wife about your involvement in this site as you will be presenting it as your support and not that you are making assumptions that she is ill when she does not think so.
I hope you take this in the spirit it is intended and continue to use this site for your own support through this uncomfortable and distressing period in your life.
All the best
Veritee
( I for instance have recently been told I can not be a foster parent, which I dearly wanted to do, because I have had a mental health diagnosis!)
What I am trying to say is I am quite concerned that you may be putting the changes that have occurred in your wife since the birth of her child down to PNI when it is not!!!!
Having a baby practically changes everything for many women. After the birth we may no longer keep quiet about things we were unhappy about before and our main concern and focus is the baby and the baby’s welfare.
Often a partner or husband takes second place for sometime and our only interest in them is what they can do to support us supporting our baby.
The things your say about Wendy’s nest building sound very normal to me as many women go through this and when you say she has a cleaning obsession, by this do you mean she has to compulsively wash her hands after every activity or just that she became over concerned about hygiene after her first was born?
Can you tell me if she is still like this and if so is it really that much over the top or just an over concern that many with young children get?
Cleaning certainly was not at all a feature of my illness and in fact I probably did too little housework yet a friend of mine who did not suffer PNI at all, went in the deep end when it came to cleaning when her baby was born and did not get over it until her child was about 5 and as he was a really rough and tumble boy it became impossible to keep him clean!
My symptoms were more of in the beginning a feeling of unreality and I did for a short time have a feeling their were voices going round my head, but not obvious audio hallucinations, then extreme tiredness, dizziness and misty/foggy vision, feeling physically ill , vomiting some mornings as if I still had morning sickness, headaches etc together with panic attacks, crying all the time, occasional outbursts of rage when it all became too much - but this was not a major feature, feelings of low self esteem, feeling I was a bad mother and bad for my family as well as horrible intrusive thoughts in the day and nightmares at night with feelings that the world was a horrible and dangerous place to bring up a child and a feeling of doom - that something awful was about to happen to me and/or my child and family.
These symptoms did not occur all at once but in stages - at first they were mainly physical and then the thoughts and panic were uppermost and feeling of doom then the low self esteem & lack of confidence
Does any of this ring bells with you about how your wife is??
Have you read the thread about tiredness at veritee.proboards7.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&n=1&thread=844
or the one about Physical symptoms at veritee.proboards7.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&n=1&thread=690
or some threads about intrusive thoughts at veritee.proboards7.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&n=1&thread=812
I did also feel anger towards my partner but mainly because he just did not seem to get it! i.e. understand how horrible and ill I was feeling and at first did not give me the help I needed.
As to the wardrobe, I am afraid I had to laugh as I am the same I only want ‘real’ furniture ie pine/wood or I would rather have none at all. I am quite capable of ignoring a melamine piece of furniture if it was bought without consultation rather than use it – I would have probably burnt it by now though!.
I am sorry to sound so unsympathetic to what you are saying but actually I am not – I would like this forum to support you, but I feel your should come on here for your own support and not your wife’s by proxy.
What I am trying to say is that I feel from the strength of your anger and distress about your relationship and home situation since your children were born you do need support and I am happy that you seek it from this site.
However I feel that maybe you are asking for this support on the wrong basis. I may prove to be very wrong but nothing you have said about your wife’s behaviour sounds at all to me like PNI. I agree that maybe her behaviour is not very reasonable and if you really can not afford 2 washing machines and you can not afford the pine furniture she wants it does sound that there is a lack of compromise on her part (although I do not want to make judgements about someone I have never read anything by – but I have read what you have said)
(I know people who have 2 and my one machine with only one child is on the go 24/7, so if I could afford it I would have 2, just - pointing out that this could all be a matter of your financial position, and your/her expectations, not necessarily mental illness)
I am not saying Wendy could not have PNI but it could equally be her not being happy with what your finances can provide and maybe discontent with your relationship that she is not voicing that is leading her to be inconsiderate and unreasonable.
Have you asked if she is happy and if there is anything she feels could change or she is not content with?
I am also very much concerned about you!
From what you have said, while I do not believe men get PNI in the same way as a woman who has carried the baby and given birth - it does sound to me that most of what you are saying here is about your own distress and lack of acceptance and even anger at the changes having children have made to your lifestyle, your partners expectations and your life in general.
And that whatever the cause of the behaviour Wendy has that distresses you so much - you need support too!
Even if in the end Wendy does prove to have PNI – and do not think I am ruling this out, I just feel we need to support you for you and your feelings around what is happening for you and not try to diagnose or support someone who is not on here and who you do not even feel able to be honest to about going on this site.
I also think that if your were to regard this site as support for you and not your wife as a third party – on this basis hopefully you may be able to tell your wife about your involvement in this site as you will be presenting it as your support and not that you are making assumptions that she is ill when she does not think so.
I hope you take this in the spirit it is intended and continue to use this site for your own support through this uncomfortable and distressing period in your life.
All the best
Veritee