my partner and my 17 month son

[stuart 1098]

my partner and I have spli up on November 2004 after four and a half years together. We have been through probably all of the general fall outs etc that most relationships go through. We have left each other before but always seemed to work things out and try and get our lifes back together for each other whatever the reason. On spet 7th 2003 we received a beautiful baby boy (james) I was at the birth and after nearly 14 hours of watching helplessly, unfortunately we had to go through an emergency cesarian, which I was allowed to be in the theatre. I play an active roll with my son (or did) did absolutely everything and helped when I could. My partner returned to work on the January 2004, which I thought seemed to soon, but I was not employed at the time, I was in the proceed of setting up a new business and we decided that I would look after James full time until I needed to change to full time work which was April that year. It was a difficult time for everybody. Communication was not a strong point between my partner and I and on the October same year I wrote her a letter about how I felt and what was going on and trying to get us to come together and get through what was quite a difficult year looking back. She gave me no reply and asked me to leave stating they would be better off without me etc etc. I left wanting to help but found no way of communicating with her because maybe she or I would flare up at any excuse and everything brokedown. It was close to christmas and I could not face being without my family I felt myself going into depression and seriously needed a rest after working for 9 months with no time or days off. I tried to write to her again with no success. We are now living apart which she has only moved 500yards away and I only see my son twice a week. I think she seriously has pnd or a mixture of other things. I have tried to tell her I thought she should seek help both verbally and medically. I have also tried to speak to her mother. But I do not seem to be getting any where! yes I do still care and there is stiil a lot of emotion between us, maybe I am still to close. She doesn't take care of herself and drinks quite a bit and by the late night and early morning phone calls and texts she make she seems a very lonely person who talks to people who try to help by telling what she wants to hear rather than what she needs to!?? She constantly tells lies and has not got a very good memory therefore she contridicts herself a lot and she will not admit ot herself that there is something wrong or face the truths so someone can help her. How can I help and how can I get someone to help her???

[Vikki]

I wish I could give you advice stuart, you sound so despondant, it must be so hard looking in at someone suffring from PNI. Sometimes it can take a long time for a sufferer to admit there is something wrong, because they feel like a faliure anyway, and admitting to needing help is hard.

I hope you are able to sort things out with your partner, I have suffered with PNI for over a year now, and it has affected my husband (who is also being treated for depression). He even threatened to leave me. This illness puts huge strains on even the most stable relationships.

All my Love

Vikki

[wendabell]

hi stuart,
welcome to this site.My hubby is a member on here and i will ask him to leave you a message .We have also been though rocky patches with my illness,i think its a hard one to understand really unless you are going through it yourself.Im sure my hubby is suffering a form of depression because of it too and we hardly communicate either to be honest.well not on how i am feeling anyway.
has she seen anyone at all about how she is feeling.How did you come to the conclusion she has pni,this sounds harsh dont mean it to be.Just trying to get a better picture of it all.
Anyway hang in there for now and i will have a chat with hubs.
take care
wendy

[Veritee]

Hi Stuart

I am sorry that things are like this for you at the moment

I am always sad when I hear relationship split up.

You sound like a loving father and it must be hard to be living away from your child like this and not being able to visit as often as you would like.

But I take Wendy’s point - Do you have any reasons beyond that fact she doesn’t want to be with you any more to think your partner has PNI?

I know you say she is not happy and she is lonely, tells lies, drinks - but many people are this and they are not suffering a mental illness.

It is tempting when your partner leaves with out giving any explanation that you accept or understand - or indeed no explanation at all!! To think it may be because they are ill and in fact quite a common assumption and perhaps easier to take than they jsut do not want to be with you anymore?

Could this be a possibility?

It could be she just does not want to be with you anymore - for her own reasons.

Now the dust has settled could you not try to find out from her why she left - she may be prepared to tellyou now if yu take it calmly - perhaps she could write it down for you?

If it is PNI then you can be their for her when she will let you and support her in bringing up your child but in my experience no one can tell someone they have PNI, or even encourage her to go to the doctor unless they are suffering the really severe psychotic version when sometimes a doctor has to make this judgement


No one wants to embark on what could be years of Medication such as Anti Ds, psychotherapy or counselling , perhaps being on the Mental health Team list of patients with a Community Psychiatric Nurse visiting weekly - unless it is ABSOLUTEY necessary.

It could have implications on your child’s care also and if you are not married to your child’s mother - you do not have any automatic rights to his care.

So what I am saying is that if you are going to go down this road - you need to have good reasons why you think she has PNI.

Also what can you do anyway?

You can suggest that they may have PNI and maybe encourage some one to go to the doctor and go with them, but this is usually only possible if you are living together .

To suggest this as an estranged partner might only lead to hostility.

You asked what you can do - well nothing to help your partner unless she says she wants your help, you can only look after yourself!!!

I think the best thing for you and your child is to concentrate on keeping yourself healthy and happy so you can be there for your boy when he needs you and when you are able to visit.

Are you OK - Do you have any support?
Do you have friends and family who are helping you through this?

Are you back at work?

Do you still suffer depression?

Let us know what we can do to support you through this?

All the best

Veritee

[wendabell off line]

stuart,
hi again i agree with veritee,let us know if we can do anything to help.
One thing have you tried the citezen advice buruea.They might be able to suggest some support groups or even put you in contact with men in simular situations as yours.worth a try.
will get my hubby to come on here tonight to leave you a message.
take care

[Veritee]

Hi Stuart

I have answered undr Neils thread where you put your last post
click here

veritee.proboards7.com/index.cgi?board=men&action=display&n=1&thread=2444

All the best

Veritee

[karl]

hi stuart
i'm sorry our going through this crap i'v read you thread and all i can say is be there for your son even if its a couple of hour a week you can't push people, you might think you partner has PNI but it is something that she needs support in finding out not to be told, this i do know. be supportive not judgemental i know that sound easy from a person who doesn't know you but i have been there. relationships come and go but good farther are forever i know that sound cheesy but hay thats what you need to focus on
the thing about this site area is we are all farther trying to solve something we have no control over so my advice is don't try to, just be supportive