Could my wife have PND ?

[Roddy]

Hi all,

A shot in the dark here maybe, but I'll ask anyway

My wife had our first (her third) child back in September 2003 and has been having some problems over the last 3 weeks or so. She wasn't diagnosed with PND after her last two babies (they are now 8 and 9).

The sort of problems she is having are: crying all the time, thinking bad thoughts about the baby, not eating very well, tiredness. The baby hasn't been sleeping well for a few months as well which probably is making things worse. During the day he's not very good either, constantly wanting held and just screaming as soon as he's put down. He's got a couple of bottom teeth through, so it could be that.

My wife seems to think about depression as a taboo, and wouldn't entertain the suggestion......

Could it be that she would be OK for 5 months after the birth, then develop PND after 7-8 months ??

Any advice would be much appreciated

thanks
Roddy
(Edinburgh)

[Claire B]

Roddy

Firstly it is great to see such a caring and intuitive partner posting on here in concern for his other half.

From what you have described, it does sound very possible she hasPND. The tearfulness, lack of appetite, bad thoughts about the baby which can often be uncontrollable in that they just "pop up" without any warning. I too had all of those along with fatigue and inability to make any decision. i have no histroy of depression at all. it is very possible to be fine having any number of babies and then just get unlucky. and yes, i was diagnosed aftermy baby turned one, so it is very possible.

what may be difficult is your wife's views on depression. my pre-conceptions were that it was some sort of weakness, that maybe it meant that these people were unable to parent, that they had bitten off more than they could chew, and i certainly wasn't"one of them". unfoprtunately these thoughts kept me from seeking treatment for too long and as a result i suffered more than i should have. If she had broken her leg she wouldn't refuse a cast, refuse the crutches, and just say "hey, i'm okay" - i came to realise it is the samething, and there is treatment out there. to begin with i was very resistant to any form of treatment, seeing it as some kind of admission of failure. my one regret is that i didn't seek it sooner! i am now fully recovered and trying for another baby - something i thought i'd never entertain.

maybe encourage her to read some of this site? print out my reply and show her. if she wants to e-mail me personally she can get me on [e-mail]. Also would she see her GP and describe how she has been feeling?

please let us all know how you get on.

Claire

[Calmer]

Well done for coming on here.

I was diagnosed when my son was 18 months old - but I knew something was wrong when he was around 9 months.

I was fine, but tired, in the first few months.

If you wife is feeling like life is a struggle - more than just hard work - it is worth her talking to someone. It was very hard for me to realise that there was something wrong that was not my fault - I just thought everyone else was coping and I was not, so i just tried harder and harder - it did not make a difference!

Maybe she could have a look at this site and read about how other people have been feeling. I remember recognising myself in some of the things I read at first.

Dont worry if some of the people seem to be much worse ( or not as bad) - there are varying degrees, but everyone on here can relate to PNI and will offer great support.

Best wishes

C x

[yorkslass]

HI

You sound like a great man wish there was more caring men out there like you.

It is so hard for us to accept that we have got PND it was hard for me to accept this.

Remember to look after yourself as well as caring for your wife I am sure she will ask for help when she feels ready and able to.

Maybe she may look at this site and see she is not alone.

Melx

[Roddy]

Thanks for the replies, it's much appreciated

I'll have to gently point her in this direction, and see what she makes of it. I'm sure that it would be nothing less that positive.

Funnily enough the baby slept from 9pm until about 4am list night which made a world of a difference, just having that constant sleep seemed to do her a world of good. The baby was quite good today too, so hopefully the pattern will continue, which I think will help things.

There's lots of useful stuff on here though, thanks for sharing it !!

Roddy

[Veritee]

Hi Roddy

Like others I commend you for your obvious concern and love for your wife.
However I always find it hard to reply to partners, relatives, friends when they come on this site seeking help, advice etc on behalf of someone else.

Do not misunderstand me - we are all happy to support you in your quest to support your wife and for support for yourself, so please keep posting if it helps you at all.

But as to whether your wife has PNI - really only she can decide with the help of support from you and information and treatment from her doctor, HV etc.

Yes women can develop or become aware of PNI several months after a birth. I did not really realize I had it until 10 months after my daughter’s birth.

But your wife could also be perfectly well but feeling the strain of a baby who is more restless than her other children were.

As she has had other children presumably without PNI she knows how she usually feels and would be able to judge whether she is ill or not.

She could be in denial of having PNI but equally she could be well but feeling extra stressed and emotional due to having a young baby to look after again as well as two older children who are not to old not to need a lot of care from her still.

With all due respect, as the older children are not yours, you have never known your wife when she has just had a baby and even with women who are perfectly well it is not unusual to for them to be different emotionally when they have had a baby. For a time to be more tearful, more stressed.

And of course this can be simply just the very real strain - often under estimated - of having a young baby who does not sleep through the night!

Lack of sleep can be devastating to anyone even someone who is totally well. Also with older children you wife probably is not able to catch up on her sleep during the day.

I trust you are able to help her by taking over the older children and even the baby when you are home to let her catch up on her sleep and to do some of the night time care of the baby, perhaps you could do the weekend shift when you are not having to go to work in the morning to give her a rest.

Sorry if you are already doing this I mentioned it as many partners feel they can not help, but actually they can do as much as the woman – even breast milk can be expelled for the nights when you are on duty as it were.

As you have said yourself things were a lot better when your baby slept through so that while you could point her to this site and let her know it is here if she feels she does have PNI, but at the same time I would respect that she is an experienced mother who knows how she reacts after having a baby and when she has a sleepless baby to look after, so any diagnosis of PNI is up to her.

Have you asked her if how she feels is substantially different from after the birth and the fist few months of her other children’s lives? And if it is what factors are different, did she have more help last time ie a mother or help from a family member etc, more support from friends and family etc.

Circumstances change from baby to baby and in your case a very big circumstance has changed as she has changed partner, so this could have meant she also moved house, moved away from friends and family – all this could contribute to her stress after a birth.

I hope that the problem was just that your baby did not sleep through the night and like you said that now a new pattern of sleep will be established and things will become more ‘normal’ for you. However bear in mind that nothing is every quite the same after the birth of a child. Despite you having other children this new baby will alter the dynamics of your relationship as does any new member of a household – so things will never be the same as before the baby came along but hopefully this stressful period will be resolved by more sleep.

However if not please continue to post for support and also your wife if she wishes

All the best

Veritee