PND or just an interest in nothing but the baby?

[Bloke]

I’ve been having a few barneys with my lovely 'stay at home' missus about fair sharing of the domestic workload & general life improving motivation. I know I wont be the only one on here! I want it to stop though, and am fishing to see if I am being reasonable and how others cope. Research to date may indicate PND - but I have NO idea whatsoever about this, and my cynical instinct is that this diagnosis seems evasive or excessive.

I approach 9 to 6 as a working day, whether that work is a housewife, or going out to work for a wage. So, if you go out to work for a wage, is it fair for you to have to also have to do some ‘un-done’ domestic chores when you get home – clean the cooker, windows, toilet, floor etc? Also, I have seen Carol Smilie paint a windowframe or two and not blank me on a simple 'can you PLEASE paint that skirting some time this year' request...(she wont - but used to). Resentment breeds...

I think I’m pretty good, as I get the baby up each morning and feed him whilst she has an hour lie in [to make up for the odd 5am feed she does]. I then go to work till about 7. When I get back I walk the dogs and cook us dinner as well as try and stay in touch with family and friends (difficult). I do all the DIY as we now cant afford tradesmen on one wage. I do all the gardening and also service and maintain the two cars. There isn’t enough time to do all that effectively though – ohh and have some fun! Hence the barneys! She cant/wont find a nursery or babysitter or job. I NEED her to manage those issues - especially as she has the time - I dont even have time to get out of the office for lunch these days:(

She looks after the baby (1yr old), cooks for him, does the washing and some cleaning. The rest is seemingly TV, shopping & coffee mornings! She used to do a lot more before we got married, and now seemingly uses the baby as an excuse for, well, ducking tasks, avoiding chores/responsibility and bumping it on me. I also know that I do not get 4 ‘free’ and valuable hours a day in my job as my office doesn’t take two naps a day!!!

How do you guys share the chores?

Do you too feel there aren’t enough hours in the day?

Where do you find the time to improve the house, let alone keep it clean?

Am I expecting too much from a new-ish mum?

Could it be PND, and what can I do to fix it that doesn't give me it a heart-attack from a super heavy workload...

Thank you counsellors!

[Wendy]

Hi Bloke

Thanks for sharing. I can't speak for your partner - only how it is for me just now, in the hope that this may be helpful for you. Being a stay at home Mum is so different from being a full time worker as I used to be. When I walked out the door of my job each day, that was that until tomorrow. Being at home there's no clearly defined structure. Work time blends with baby time blends with housework time and rest time. There's no-one here saying what kind of a job I am doing or giving me instructions as to what to do.

I also personally find it quite hard to motivate myself each day just now. It's almost like the complete freedom of choice is too much to cope with. I have to push myself constantly to do things. I miss the recognition that I would get at work and the structure of it. I never know from one minute to the next what is expected of me (or by whom !). When I don't achieve anything significant then I feel guilty and useless. So there's a vicious cycle.
My husband is so easygoing that he doesn't have any expectations of me. Good on one hand that there's no pressure on me from him, but perhaps counterproductive too in that I don't have any thing to aim for each day. I'm trying to make this new life work for me but I sometimes miss my old working life a lot.
The old "grass is always greener on the other side" thoughts I guess. I'd probably be missing being at home if I was at work!!

I guess when all is said and done - it's about whatever works for your home and your family. If someones not happy, then adjustments need to be made. If like myself though, your partner has had or is suffering from post natal illness, then that needs to be attended to first. It can be dreadfully debilitating and seriously affect your home life.

Hope this hasn't come across too jumbled. My mind feels jumbled just now.


Wendy

[Bloke]

Thanks Wendy.

I have had a good trawl here since posting that, and I certainly feel slightly more aware but no more able to amateur diagnose or understand anything!!! (or even if I should BE here...)

I need to understand though as I have to spin my anger and resentment around into compassion and understanding and logic about the situation.

I'm a pretty strong and resilient bloke, but the penny needs to drop first - it would be great if this were her lead...

[jennie]

Dear Bloke,

Could have been my husbund there.It was hard not to feel outraged by your comments though I'm aware that exactly how arguments brew up.
I know that my head never switches off from my children and you under estimate how much looking after the children is more than the practicalities of keeping a child fed and clean.
"coffeee" mornings will be encouraging socialisation and your child will be developing so much, your partners eyes won't be leaving your child and a majority she will be working with your child thrugh play.A mum dosen't clock off and I find my children have been up in the night and my husbund hasn't heard a thing (or says he hasn't).As you child becomes older and more independant then your partner might feel like reclaiming a bit of herself back.
Be gentle with her and maybe organise a night out for the two of you to remind yourslves why you are together away from the resentments of who does the most.
I'm sure my husbund would say very similar things as you but just silently smuddlers instead.
good luck to you all
jennie

[jennie]

Dear Bloke,

Could have been my husbund there.It was hard not to feel outraged by your comments though I'm aware that exactly how arguments brew up.
I know that my head never switches off from my children and you under estimate how much looking after the children is more than the practicalities of keeping a child fed and clean.
"coffeee" mornings will be encouraging socialisation and your child will be developing so much, your partners eyes won't be leaving your child and a majority she will be working with your child thrugh play.A mum dosen't clock off and I find my children have been up in the night and my husbund hasn't heard a thing (or says he hasn't).As you child becomes older and more independant then your partner might feel like reclaiming a bit of herself back.
Be gentle with her and maybe organise a night out for the two of you to remind yourslves why you are together away from the resentments of who does the most.
I'm sure my husbund would say very similar things as you but just silently smuddlers instead.
good luck to you all
jennie

[Bloke]

Thanks Jennie, appreciate it.. I would say coffee mornings are fine, particularly if I get to sit down by 9pm...

The baby is out like a light at 7 and rarely is there a peep before 6 - he's a dreamboat! Even then its a 10 min bottle and sleep till 8, and then I look after him for an hour and a half.

I am however realising that my logic of a common interpretation of fairness verus availible time doesent really operate in a PND situation, if we reallty are in one.

Christ it's so much harder than I thought! The birth alone would have been enough to finish my dad off - esp when they rolled out the tools!!!! I however am nouveau confused homme, struggling for grip…

It's tough out there and basic common sense says an absolute NO to any second child. That is such a no-brainer; why do people do it???

[Calmer]

Hi there Bloke

Im sure everyone agrees that if we can help - you are in the right place!

I realise how hard it is looking from the outside in ( you may not see much at all) but if your partner is suffering there will be so much going on inside.

In my experience it is almost impossible to look after a child all day and get the household stuff done, and even harder if you are coping with PNI. My husband and I talked quite a lot about exactly how I felt and how hard it was for me to do a simple job like taking the washing out of the machine before it needed washing again!!! etc.

Until i spoke to him i didnt even know myself why i wasnt getting things done and wasnt coping, but i realised that my head was so muddled and I was so forgetfull it was no wonder.

If my husband as much as asked me to make a phone call in the day I would panic and say I couldnt do it.......so dont feel so alone.

All i can say is talking helped for us.

Good luck

C x

[jennie]

Dear Bloke,

Been thinking about your situation a lot and sorry if I seemed judgmental , probably my own giult from the times my hubby would come home from a job he hated to the breakfast dishes.Weekends he'd have to drag me out of the house for walks and even then I used to panic cos I had to get home.

He has said he'd not want to come home sometimes not knowing what mood I'd be in, ask me what I was watching on TV & I'd say dunno.....

Then I'd pick up and be up painting walls late into the night, get really fustrated with diy jobs that weren't done ,have a go at him for not doing whatever and accuse him of prefering me depressed b'cos I was less demandin.
It does get better!

We even have a second child, an 8yr old & 4yr old and dog &do have fun together as a family.

My bloke says I never gave him a look with the kids till they were a yr old! (I don't really believe him!)

Don't bother with nights out (rubbish suggestion which people used to tell us we needed to do though we were always too shattered and I'd spend the evening worrying/or on the phone home)

go for days out
Picnics, fair ground rides, enjoy babies firsts together...though ill I still remember their shock at first time with bare feet on sand,toes dipped in the sea, when an ice cream would end up in ears!
Babies grow into interesting individuals and it's great to share your interests with them and rediscover the simple things in life.

I hope I don't sound patronising...this is useful for ME to look at things from my husbund perspective and reminds me that he could do with some TLC and how glad I am to have my family.Thomas the Tank is good fun and train tracks run all round our downstairs and why else could you read Roal Dalh books and see the latest Shrek films?

Do men also suffer from PNI.?I think I've been too hard on men so thank you for your honesty and insite.

Take care of yourselves and have happy memories of your sons babyhood cos you can't redo them at a later date. jennie