Dear Karl
I am so sorry I did not respond yesterday - but it was Caja's big day - her interview at college - she got in thank goodness as I do not know what she would have done if she had not !! Or what |I would do with her.
so I just did not get to answer any posts at all as I was busy with her and in the evening we went round to a friends to celebrate. - with a cup of tea and a chat!
But I do understand your position, it is very hard to get the support you need as a partner, or even a friend or other family member of someone with PNI as most groups are geared to the sufferer themselves - not those around them.
Barry and I had similar problems as the little support I did manage to get was geared up for me so he had little support and at that time we were not a team, we were not working together.
I once took him along to my counsellor but this proved to be an absolute disaster for these reasons –that he felt his privacy invaded because it was my counsellor and he felt threatened as if we were both, my consellor and me, blaming him for my PNI. We were not at all, least of all me - but that is how he felt.
However the trouble is that there is so little support for PNI even for the women with it and none speicifically for those who are partners, children or relatives of sufferers.
I wish I could point you to a suitable web site or forum.
But the last forum for men that was effective was run by someone called Ian Sands who's wife had PNI and he provided a wonderful resource for men, but one day it just disappeared! I guess after many years he had had enough?
It really needs another man to do this and I am hoping one day someone will.
But at present there is none online that I can find specifically for men depressed after a birth themselves or who are supporting women with PNI.
This is despite the recent government imitative to support men depressed after a birth, see:
www.spiked-online.com/Articles/00000006DEFB.htmobserver.guardian.co.uk/magazine/story/0,11913,1172622,00.html
However there is the Fathers Direct forum at:
www.fathersdirect.com/ seems supportive but this does not seem very active and there is also a telephone helpline run by MAMA which will support dads too: i.e. The Prenatal depression helpline: 0845 120 3746
Personally though I would suggest that you not seek support from something that is specifically for PNI but go to the general Depression forums such as:
www.depression-recovery-life.com/depression-forum.htmlwww.depressionforums.org/cgi-bin/ikonboard/ikonboard.cginews.depressionforums.com/www.depressionalliance.org/Not as a depressed person yourself - unless you need support in this way also - but as someone supporting your wife/partner who had PNI.
However I totally understand why a forum like this - where your partner/wife is active is not somewhere where you feel you can really say how you feel - as we all need our privacy even from our chosen life partners.
(Barry is a very private man which is why going to see my counsellor would never work.
But I did feel from the almost desperation I felt from your post that it may be more than this for you.
Forgive me if this is overstepping the mark - but is there something/s that you are not discussing with your wife that perhaps you know you need to – something/s that are a barrier to you communicating together - something you know you are just not saying?
It does not have to be anything complicated - Barrys was that he felt blamed and inadequate and once I really understood this, how he so much wanted to make things right for me but was scared I saw him as the casue - then things got better.
Maybe there is not and you just can not share your feelings on here because you - like Barry, are a private person.
But your wife does share some of her feelings and you are both aware you are both suffering in your own ways from the fact PNI exists in your family - so why is it so impossible to share your feelings on a site you both read?
Perhaps as well as seeking your own support which of course you do need – could there not be a way to use the fact your both use this site - constructively??
Perhaps you could start your own thread for just you both – I could even password it – as a way to talk things through – I know from my own experience how sometimes with all the will in the world this does not work face to face as we get stuck in a pattern which is not helpful.
Writing it down on somewhere like here, can break the pattern. When Barry is away at sea and we used and still use e mail like this?
We both have time to think and consider our response so it stops all our insecurities coming into it so much.
I am not asking you to answer this - but at the risk of being out of order to ask - do you need to first offload how you feel somewhere and then perhaps find a way of sharing this with your wife?
This does not have to be formally. I can only really relate this to my own situation but Barry had issues which was preventing us work together on getting well, it was not formal therapy or counselling that helped us but a very insightful friend who came to stay for a week, got us drunk and got us talking and acted as a sponge to absorb all the negativity that had built up.
And since than we have sued e mail when Barry is away to offload to each other
From this time I realised that PNI is not just a matter of the women suffering it - but it is a shared problem that affects the whole family and is for the whole family to solve together as allies. – Even in some ways the kids – or at least you have to show your children you are together and working on a solution together. ( I am so sorry if I am coming over like I am teaching you to suck eggs – I am sure you know all this, but I just felt I had to say it)
It may be that the ‘mum’ of the family is the persona who has PNI but she may or may not have had it if the family situation had been different and even if the triggers are entirely her own and not shared - the solution still very much needs to be shared by those who are directly affected by her wellbeing.
In other words it is no good just waiting for your wife/partner to get better and not working towards this together as a family, proactively.
Well this is my experience. and I am not saying any of this applies to you. But I do think it is essential to get our own support - I rely on counselling for this Barry on his close friends and fellow seamen
- But there comes a time when you have to talk and get together to solve this thing work together for the same goal.
I have just re read this and it sounds patronising.
It is not meant to be – I just wanted to say something in reply to you
All the best
Veritee
