Hi no name.
My wife, membername: moe, asked me to write you.
..........
We have been married for 12 years come December.
When I met her, she was living on her own with her son who was three and a half at the time. She had given birth by caesarean section that came like lightning from a clear blue sky. The hospital staff were not nice at all to her, but crude and blunt. She has bipolar disorder (just diagnosed 6 months ago) and it triggered anti-natal depression. Her boyfriend, the father of her son, left them after a year and went out of the country for over 10 months. On her own with no money and a GP who told her :To get a grip on her self, she struggled on.
When I met her in the summer of -93 she was on Anafranil, 175 mg/day, which wasn't what she needed. It made her sluggish and unhappy. We got married in Dec -93 and my GP helped her to get off the med's. The father of her son took her to court for custody and after 3 years of battles, lies and legal trickery, with an empty, bone-dry wallet, she lost custody of her son. He has since then lived with his dad and over long periods he did not let her see him at all and there was nothing we could do. Believe you me, we tried it all (legal stuff that is!)
.....
Now I will fast forward in small jumps, so I won't bore you to tears with all the details of 12 years of ups and downs.
.......
We now have 6 children, age 11, nearly 10, nearly 9, 6 1/2, 2 1/2 and 6 months.
A lot of crap happened at three of the births, even though I am a very protective and strong minded person, I was not able to put them straight. They ran all us over, messed it up and nearly killed our second child!
My wife has suffered post and anti-natal depression with all of the children, with depressions on and off between pregnancies , currently she has it bad, being taken abrupt of one med and put on a different one for her bipolar disorder.
My dear wife's bad patches (bad doesn't really cut it), in a way, reminds me about that children's rhyme:
There was a little girl who had a curl.
When she was good she was very, very good.
And when she was bad, she was wicked.
(before anyone responds:
No I don't see my wife as a little girl. The focus is solely on the last line.
)
From time to time I have felt like leaving her.
There was no support, no help, not really, not until a year ago.
When she is really, really bad she tries her best, poor thing, to upset me and make me blow my lid off.
And sometimes it works. I get angry and give her a reason to certify her suspicion about me, fueled by the illness.
She called people, the social services, went to doctors and psychotherapists and told them about her terrible, abusive and somewhat dangerous husband.
And the sad thing is that they believed her at the time. They could not see that it was the illness talking for her.
We have been though several investigations by the social services. We always came through with flying colours, since it was her illness talking and not her, but they got suspicious when they saw that we had been reported before. Of course it upsets and hurts tremendously. It does.
Luckily she has stopped that since more then a year.
But I am still frighten that it will be come back.
It hasn't really gotten physical at all although sadly it has happened a couple of times. she has got all round on points, 3-0.
(Don't worry lads and lasses. There has been no fist fights!)
Mostly she tells me she hates me, that I´m mistreating her, never supports her, that I don't love her and never has, and that I am abusive. Then comes: everyone knows that! I have told them and they all say that you should be on medication for your depression/bad temper/strange behavior etc.
Who they are, I have never been able to find out.
It hurts so bad to hear all that, but it hurts her so much more saying it. I know.
I try to remember that when it happens!!!!
It is not her talking, it's the illness.
Sometimes I do lose it and throw insults back at her, but that just makes it worse. The only way is to take a step back, give her space and not to take it personally.
Yes I know, easier said then done, but we must do it!!!!!!!
I buy the groceries, cook the food (Ok a bit easy for me, since I am an "amateur" chef, and pretty good too they tell me. but it just comes down to try and error over time), bake, mend and wash the clothes, pay the bills, take the kids up in the morning for school and play-school, and everything else you need to do in a household. She does help as mush as she can, and she takes well care of the wee baby.
Don't get me wrong: I'm not saying this to be a goody-good two-shoes here.
I just do what I signed up for when we married: In sickness and in heath.
I'm not a stay-at-home dad. I've working as a singer/songwriter and I'm the art director for a new non-profit art-craft-multi-media company, with focus on charity for mainly children in need and children with disabilities.
It all has to be done. I can't let anyone down. And I love doing it, regardless of the stress illness puts on us.
Still, sometimes I do feel like ending it all.
But how can I?
(Never-mind the religious aspect on it, I am Bahai, (it's not a sect or a cult! Dizzy Gillespie was a Bahái) Suicide is not "in our book".
(Anyone who want to know about the Bahai Faith go to
www.bahai.com and find your county's own web page))
How could I opt-out, leaving her with six kids?
Divorce has come to mind, but the above applies.
Ripping her head off:
Well out of the question this one is for so many reasons I can't list them all.
I love my wife, it's the illness I hate.
And then finally: IT GETS BETTER!!!! Joy and bliss.
And IT IS WORTH WAITING FOR.
;D ;D ;D
....................
So what can you do?
Just what you did. write on a forum, talk to a friend, relative, a professional, someone from your religion/belief (or from another).
And when ye seek professional help. Stand your ground and demand the help that your wife have the right to receive. But without displaying any anger or they will have a reason to let ye down.
........
The best advice I can give is: Don't respond anger with anger to you wife's bad spells and when you talk to someone about your situation, do not paint her in dreary and nasty colours, even if you hurt like mad!!! Nothing good will come out of it, trust me I have done it and it's wrong and DOES NOT WORK.
Remember that it is not the lovely woman you married that is having ago at you.
It is the "illness-demon" trying to take her over.
Have a talk with your wife about how thing are, how you and she feels and about the future, but in a non-threatening situation, i.e. when she feels OK or OK-ish and when ye both feel that ye can have a productive conversation, without blame, anger, frustration and finger-pointing.
Help her, support her, hold her, pamper her.
And most important of all: Love her and love her and love her again.
On a really desperately bad day she is still in there, the woman you love and married, and she CAN hear you.
.......
On a final note I just want to say that my believe in the Lord has been my strong hold. It's where I got my strength from to be able to carry on.
What ever you believe in, what ever your conviction might be:
Meditate, read and pray!!
It helped me dealing with our problems and took me from becoming an alcohol addict to total sobriety and a life that I love to be a part of. (I drank heavily before I became a Bahái)
I can't stress this enough. it does work!!!!!
And no "illness-demon" is going to break me or my wife, not now, not ever!!!!
......
Your wife needs you, now more then ever.
Make her a cup of coffee, put on some nice music, give her a big hug.
And tell her you love her more then you ever have.
That their is no-one like her in the whole wide world and that you are there for her, all the way, even when you get sad, angry and frustrated.
Remember, there is no one like you and your wife in the world.
You ARE special.
And we need both of ye here with us, and the love ye have for each other.
The love is there!!
Look for it, feel it, let it glow and shine and brighten your life's, like it did before.
Hang in there, both of ye.
IT WILL GET BETTER!!!!!!!
All the best to both of ye.
Camán.
P.S. My wife has read this before we posted it.
And chorected al my spealling erors!
?y the way, with "illness-daemon" I do not refer to religion at all. it's just something I came up with.
P.P.S. Parenthood, don't ye just love it.
My 6 year old son asked me just now for the fifth time, after extensive explanations by my, what pitch dark meant.
I told him that it is when it is so dark that you can't see who is pitching.
You will just feel a great pain when the baseball hits your face.
And that is why he should be out late!