need a space to get it off my chest

[witsend]

Hi,
Like most posters on here I am struggling in my marriage and feel at breaking point (altough extremely proud to be a dad and so pleased that baby is doing so well).

I will try to give a bit of history without going overboard on detail.

We have recently had our first child, my wife suffered throughout the pregnancy, not only the physical side of things, but the mental side, for which I take responsibility as I was not supportive enough emotionally and allowed some situations to develop selfishly as they didn't harm me. (I know I have not been in any way deliberately nasty, but I am learning that being too laid back can be equally destructive).

Since the birth we have been through the wringer, from my side it seems I can't do anything right from her side it seems I am still not supporting her enough, we have virtually banned all visitors from the house to help her recover (the only people who visit is her family who she feels cause her no concern), and despite my best efforts (taking over responsibility for the child overnight so she can sleep, hold down a full time job, deal with anyone who wishes to see us, a large percentage of the house work, cooking etc) she seems to be getting worse not better.

Currently not a day passes when she doesn’t tell me to leave and I am no good for her (my bag is almost permanently packed), its true that I tend to do something that starts her off, but these can be fairly innocuous things, certainly they don't always merit the unleashing of hurricane wifey. I try to bite my tongue, even to the degree of taking responsibility for things that are not my fault to placate her (I am terrified these will come back and bite me in the future, but that seems the lesser of two evils at the moment), but I can only take so much and increasingly find myself snapping back at the wrong time mostly in defence (you can only have your heart ripped out so many times I suppose).

I am sure this will improve over time, but at the moment its eating away at me, I'm barely sleeping and eating hardly anything. I guess I need to turn to you for a little support at this time (I hate to burden anyone with anything, so I have spoken to no-one of what is happening), so I can support her fully, which is my only priority (well obviously the baby comes first, the only ray of sunshine at the moment is how well baby is doing).

I need to be strong for her so she can be strong for herself, I just hope the path darkens no further.

If anyone has any suggestions, to help me work towards getting on an even keel with the woman I don't want to be without, please let me have them, I know I cannot go in all guns blazing and try to get her to a GP yet, so I need to be gentle.

I'm sorry if anything comes across a little vague, I'm worried my wife might read this, as she is a bit of an internet demon and I am worried about what she may do if she reads this.

Thanks.

[cheshire]

Dear Witsend

Welcome to the site and sorry you are having a hard time just now.

I'm sure you wanted to help your wife during her pregnancy, as my husband felt the same and only really now realises how much emotional support I actually needed. I don't think I realised myself actually..

If this helps at all, I still find visitors difficult and I also rarely answer the phone - and I suppose this can make things difficult as it means my husband is often my only company during the day, apart from the kids of course.

But it sounds like you are doing all you can - and practical help, particularly at night, can help so much - even though I don't think I ever appeared that grateful to my husband But now that I am recovering, I appreciate so much what he has done to help me.

I too have tried to leave and went through a phase of continually threatening a split - once locked him out with his bags for half the night and it was a cold one.

I'm so pleased your baby is doing well by the way

You are welcome to seek support here anytime and whilst you don't want to burden anyone (my husband was like this too - but I actually I only started to get better when we told family/ close friends what was happening) but you do need support at this time - is there anyone you can talk to - we started with the GP and then family? But you don't seem sure that your wife is ready for this yet? Have you thought about asking her to read some of the posts on here - just to reassure he that she is not alone in how she is feeling? It may even help if she read this, but only you would be able to judge that..

Otherwise, I think finding out about this illness and taking over the domestic things as far as you can is a really good start.

You obviously care about her very much. I just hope that something I've said here helps a little.

Hopeful

[susanneb1984]

Hiya Witsend,
I'm sorry your suffering hunni. I think so often, we forget that it's not only women who suffer with pni.
I think a lot of men (my partner included) found there was no support out there for men, it's can affect them too. I'm glad you've found us.

Does your wife have any friends she can talk too? Did she speak to her midwife about her low moods whilst she was pregnant? I too, got pre natal illness, and it's not pretty.

Well done to you for been so supportive. I think most of us are lucky here because we have supportive partners. I know Alan has done as much as he could.

I hope things inprove. I agree with H, maybe if she knew she wasn't alone, it might help? I know finding this site was like a great weight been lifted off my shoulders, it meant I wasn't alone, I wasn't over-reacting, or making things up.

Take care, we are here as often as you need us.
xx

[cheshire]

Dear Witsend,

Good name, I totally understand. At the moment everything will seem like a no-win situation. Things you say will be taken entirely the wrong way. Instantaneously my wife can see a negative interpretation for everything from “yes, I agree” to “that was really good” and I never see it coming even though I should expect it. It is really stressful. As time has gone on though, we have been able to have some more rational discussions.

Gradually things do get better. The odd moments when my wife now smiles at me are wonderful and more frequent. We can talk about her pni because she has accepted that it’s not her fault. She accepts that it is an illness. This web site has helped her in this respect and she is now willing to talk to others about it. She is also happy that I talk to my friends about it too. I didn’t for a long time as I felt that this was disloyal but this meant I had to bottle everything up and I felt that was killing me. Explaining about the illness to close friends meant that I could explain why we didn’t answer the phone, visit them, invite them round, go out, etc. and this helped me. I find having someone to talk to is a stress reliever. Ideally I would go to the gym or something and run the stress off but, like you, I just don’t find I have the time any more.

Stick with it as time is the healer. Life gets easier. Your wife will recover.

Hopeful's husband

[witsend1]

thanks for the support, it helps just knowing there are others in the same situation, as odd as that may sound as you would not wish this on anyone.

we seemed to have reached a bit of a hiatus last night, when I was told that she would not be trying to kick me out and that she would be doing everything for the baby and not talking to me anymore.
this situation did not last too long (at least with the baby) as I was allowed to bath him and feed him and she feel asleep for a few hours. I am convinced that there are reasons behind everything she does and that I have not been the best husband I could have (not looking for anything here, just cold hard facts) but that she is also ill and although she would never admit (failure is not an option for her) she needs me more than ever.

I feel so much more resolve and strength from just opening up a little and seeing that I am not the only one. thanks to you all.

witsend.

[angel]

Hi Witsend

First of all WELCOME to the site i just wanted to pick up on something that you said that was the very reason i never admitted i was ill it was because i didn't want people to think i was a failure. From the outside to people that didn't see me all the time i was coping so well with my first child but inside myself i was at breaking point and unfortunatly i did break and nearly lost my husband in the process.

This time round with my second child (my husband and i are still together and very happy) yet again i felt that if i told anyone how i was feeling they would think i had failed again but if truth be known it was only ever me thinking i was a bad mum nobody elae thought it and now i'm well on the way to recovery i can see that that was never the case.

I just wanted to tell you this as if it wasn't for my husband this time round telling me all the time that i was a good mum and that i could never be a failure then i don't think i could have got through it so you are doing the right thing by justing being there for your wife when she needs you.

Take Care and i hope things start to get better for you all.

Angel

[cheshire]

Hi Witsend

I hope things are better for you both now?

Best wishes and thoughts
Hopeful