partner needed advice

[hannah457]

hi my partner martin is finding it hard to understand my illness.
he trys to support me but doesnt really know what im going through.
is there anyone who could give him some advice

thanks hannah

[cheshire]

My wife is Hopeful. I don't know the background or quite what your husband is thinking but perhaps I can imagine. The first thing I would say is that this is a real illness with debilitating effects on you directly but also your husband. It really is hard for anyone to understand how one's loved one can become so unwell so quickly. I can sympathise with you both for it is also really difficult to know what to do as a husband to provide support. I have learnt the hard way that a husband has to try to listen without trying to offer opinion or advice. This goes against the grain as I always find myself wanting to reassure which comes out as challenging how my wife is feeling about or reacting to something. Listening to a never ending cycle of anxiety is really difficult but often what's needed. My advice... stay calm, listen, read up on pni to understand rather than advise, give your wife as much chance for rest as possible.
She will get better
Michael

[hannah457]

hi hopeful.
i would like to say thank you for the message your husband sent.
its helped my husband understand better about what im going throught.
love hannah xx

[monica]

Hi Hannah/Martin

It must be so difficult to understand PNI. Pysically, the woman may look fine but behave irrationally - one minute ok, the next hysterical/tearful, depressed - the list is endless.

What I yearned was a genuine hug, just saying I love you and lots of patience. Unfortunately my partner never gave me this. I understand that it can be so trying, ut it is an illness and Hannah, you will recover.

I thnk my partner found it easier when I gave him specific tasks to do. Look after kids, washing up etc as I found it impossible even to do simple things like those.

But it's fanastic that you want to help. As I mentioned, I never had this and even though it probably wouldn't have lead to a miraculous recovery, I would have felt more secure.

All the best

Monica

[marion]

Hi there

My husband says that the key to it is lots of patience. Easier said than done I know but that's what's really helped me. I've rambled on so much to Mark and he's just sat there and listened and done everything phsically he can to help me, not only when I've been at my worse but he still does extra things now I'm feeling slightly better to make my life that bit easier.

The main thing he does is looking after Chloe after about 8 at night - he almost always give her the last feed and always puts her to bed. That way I feel like I have a break from the responsibility and some time for me to unwind before bed which I find really important. I am also very lucky in that he looks after her if she wakes in the night. My sleep was very bad, partly as I could never relax all night as I felt I was the only one who could look after her (I was breastfeeding at the time and she wouldnt take an expressed bottle). If she stirs in the night before 6am Mark goes to her - after 6 and I sort her out. I find that I can sleep better without worrying all night that she will wake and I'll have to go to her. We also sleep in seperate rooms (romantic I know) so Mark has the monitor so I'm disturbed even less. I wasnt keen on this - I didnt want to sleep apart from my husband but I cant sleep in the room with the monitor - I've tried once and had a terrible night. It's not forever and it's helping at the moment.
I know that you have 3 kids and it may be hard for Martin to do this every night but it may help Hannah to just have perhaps 1 night a week where she wouldnt have to feel that everything is on her (it may not be at the moment but sometimes us women dont see things how they truly are!!!!!).

I find I am so much better in the day if I;ve slept relatively well. Also, cut right down on any caffiene. I was drinking lots of coke throughout the day and found I was even more jittery/spacey because of it. I;ve cut right down to just 1 cup of teain the morning and definately feel much better for it.

Also, even when you have a run of good days dont be dissapointed if you get bad spells. It's allabout patient and hopefully they'll get less severe eventually.

Mark also tries to book time off/plan something nice like going to stay with his parents/them coming to help us when my bad patches are due (always seem to coincide with PMT) - this way I know I'll have that extra support when I really need it.

I'm very lucky with how supportive Mark is - I wouldnt have coped if he hadnt helped me look after Chloe. At my worse I coldnt even hold her as I felt so ill. Mark had to take a crash course in being a mum and look after her on his own whilst I was in hospital. He said it was very hard (he also had to get Chloe to bottle feed as she was breast fed) but on the plus side it made them much closer. He says he feels like a father now whereas before I got bad and when I did everything he felt almost like a spectator.

Just do as much or little as Hannah needs, and remember that we always take things out on those we love the most. I dont know how Mark has puts up with me and I often worry that I will drive him away but I know he loves me and Chloe - there's no way he'd still be here if he didnt!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mark says if MArtin needs anyone to talk to then to get in touch through my email - I'll pass on MArk's email address.

Take care
Marion, Mark and ChloeXXXXXX

[yorkslass]

I only wish I had my ex partners suport I had to deal with most of my illness alone apart from this forum during my second time with PND.

[hannah457]

my partner has asked me to post this message.
he would like to say thank you for all the advice you wonderful people have given me.
its help me to understand my wifes illness a bit better

love martin(Hannah's husband)