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Post by ads on Mar 30, 2006 17:09:01 GMT
hello
i am actually writing this to try to understand my girlfriend. would like to hear from people to tell me if i describe how things are, what they think?
our baby boy, Tyler, is now just about 9 months old. since my gf has had the baby she has defo been depressed. now i recognised this and got her to go to the doctors which she did. apparently there is some questionairre to fill in??? han filled this in and told me everything was fine............ things didnt really change and i was convinced she was suffereing pnd/i. there was a programme on tv 4 onths ago about pnd so i made her sit and watch it, she ended up crying because she then realised she was suffering, admitted to me she lied to the doctor etc. anyway i or maybe the programme convinced han she was not in the minority, far from it she was and still is normal! anyay she went back to the doctors and they put her on anti depressants. han took them and was absolutely blinding, real happy, loads of confidence, a sheer joy to be with.
then han had a bit of an arguement with her dad and aunty who was the childminder, ended up leaving home and moved into a flat closer to me, was looking forward to a new start together and be closer as a family etc etc
blinding han was so damn happy, so was i.
week into moving into her flat i started to notice a change in han, she didnt want to go out, started go off being close, sex stopped and she just wasnt happy around me and in the flat. wouldnt give me a reason.
I asked if she was still taking her anti depressants still and the answer was no!!
reason was she had moved into the flat and was happy and wanted a fresh start.
now there was no weening off the pills, just bang, stopped them like that!
now she split up with me this tuesday, told me she couldnt cope anymore, doesnt know what she wants but wants me to give her space.
ive not seen her or my boy all week. ive only txt when she has txt me as she has asked for me to give her total space, i am. its the hardest thing for me to do, not txt or communicate with han or see them, i miss them both greatly but hoping taht if i go along with her she'll realise we are actually as good as with have been for past 2 years!
im getting txt now about maintenance and csa tho i give her money each week anyway, even tho we was together!!
its like she has shut herself off from everyone, including her dad who she has only seen twice in a month!! hans very close to her dad since her mum left thats y its strange.
han has told me she has got herself stuck in a rut and dont know which way to go with regards to us and her life, wants to find herslef!!
i dont think im being paranoid, i think and am greatly worried that coming off the pills like han has has sent her into a quick deep depression, bare in mind shes not talking 2 me, whats peoples views about giving her total space and my views on thinking she has bad depression again, does it make sense to anyone? how would i go about telling her???
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Post by cheshire on Mar 30, 2006 17:43:50 GMT
Hello ADS,
Welcome to the Forum.
I don't know much about the meds side at all, apart from women's experiences I have read about on here and conversations with a friend who is currently taking them... and it seems possible that you can come off the antids 'too soon' or 'too quickly'.... Having said that,we don't really know anything else about your girlfriend - so it may or may not be the antids? It's hard to say. Do you think she would post here?
How would you feel about showing her what you have written here - or e-mail her the URL maybe? I thought I knew how my husband was feeling - but the posts (there are only a few) he has written on here, I must admit, gave me further insight into how he is/ was feeling.
Another option might be to introduce your gf to this site. Try the home page to start with - perhaps have a look at the list of signs and symptoms. I did this before I returned to my GP and scribbled a few notes on the list about what applied to me etc.
Let us know how you get on? Good luck Hopeful
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Post by ads on Mar 30, 2006 17:57:16 GMT
thanks.
at the mo i think pointing her to wat i have written here would make her never wanna speak to me again!!
i just really feel for her, she really is the love of my life and i hate to see her like this and keeping me at arms length and now ending our relationship is horrid cos we really are great together.
i had a quick look at signs and symptoms and quite a few i could relate to han, maybe she could relate to more as she always tells me shes fine when i can c summats up!
hans allready told me the realtionship is over by txt, wont talk to me at all just the csa txt is all i get this week! its real hard when you care 4 and love some one like this to hear its over, i just wana offer my help to her but it seems it has pushed her away!
i will see her friday as she will bring Tyler over so she can go out with her mates, dont want to push her further away but feel i should say something to her? i was also thinking of talking to her dad but i just dont know!!
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Post by cheshire on Mar 30, 2006 19:07:11 GMT
Hi ADS I understand what you say about not wanting to push her away.. If her dad is someone you can talk to, then that sounds like a good idea. What I would say about PNI though, is that you just so want to push people away..my husband would vouch for that. You can also feel very paranoid, so she may feel resentful or upset that you have spoken to her dad. But if you are concerned and if he can keep a confidence, then it might help long term.. Being unconditionally accepting/ loving and offering practical help can work - but it may still be thrown back in your face - if you know what I mean. But deep down, she might truly appreciate it. I did appreciate these things, but because of how I was with my husband, he would never have guessed that I did Don't give up hope, if she is suffering with PNI, she will improve with time and the right support and will recover. Just some thoughts, hope it helps Hopeful
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Post by cheshire on Mar 30, 2006 19:20:30 GMT
By the way - I'm going to attempt to move this to the men's section, ads, hope this is ok.
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Post by yoyo on Mar 30, 2006 20:32:37 GMT
Hi Ads
What a tough time for you all. PNI can really really push things to their absolute limits it's true. I went on anti-d's and definitely came off them too early - I ended up feeling as low as I had been when finally admitting I had a prblem and going on them (i too lied to my doc - it is so hard to admit just how you are feeling, even to family let alone 'pforessionals') .
I know this will be the hardest thing in the world to do but you MUST show absolute support and encouragement, if it is PNI then your gf will be beating herself up mentally all the time and probably will have very little confidence and self-esteem. She'll be angry and frustrated and confused all at the same time - this will be a scary time for her too.
It may be worth talking with her dad to reassure him and yourself and just to be able to talk things through with someone - you too need support at this time.
Remember though as has been said that PNI is an illness and recovery happens - it just takjes time, support, patience and sometimes meds or something else that works - maybe in a practcical way you could have your little one to give your gf some space so she can do something for herself ?Not sure if that's possible but I know it helped when my hubby did that on my really down days x x x
Thinking of you x
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Post by ads on Mar 30, 2006 20:52:04 GMT
im having Tyler from friday eve until probably monday eve, we was gona take him swimming this weekend but dunno know, ill ask, b nice as i miss em both loads. its hard cos i feel for her but at the same time hurt maself cos in the space of 2-3 weeks shes gone from loving me to not being with me. took lots of strength and encopuragment from my mum to stop texting and ringing, there the 2 people i love most!! i got drove mad when han told me she was going to her dads and didnt even stay for tea monday am, she went straight home and stayed in her flat, i was mad cos she lied to me, makes me wonder how the hell she is??
i think out of love and concern for her ive pushed her into not wanting to be with me, i just hope if it is PNI that dear little han can be happy again xx look at me pooring ma heart out, her smile means the world to me tho!!
thanks for your words tho peeps gives me encouragement, im sure im right that han is suffereing depression of some sort, just wana help her out, thats hard when she dont wana know me!!
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Post by cheshire on Mar 31, 2006 11:52:21 GMT
Good luck this weekend and hope you enjoy the time with Tyler
Hopeful
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Post by yoyo on Mar 31, 2006 18:45:13 GMT
Things will change - if it's depression / PNI Hannah will get better but she has to find her own way - with your help and support wherever you can give it. Maybe try and tell her how you feel? PRint these threads off to show her? She'll know just how much you really care & love her - you can tell from your posts x x x Hope it all goes ok this weekend. Hannah and Tyler both need you, even though you may feel pushed out, she'll appreciate you for standing by her and being there for her and your little one x
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Post by ads on Mar 31, 2006 20:13:05 GMT
well she told me today that she loves me but not like that anymore??? theres no chance of us being back together, she just wants a clean break.................but, she was crying as she said it and got upset when she said it, had to leave with a tear rolling down her face so i let her go, gotta step bk at times i now know that!!
she told me shes not a good person, i tried to convince her she is a gd person, she just gotta look inside and believe, she really is great!we ended up about 2 row over (yes u r, no im not!!)it but i stepped down and said we aint gonna argue about it theres no need.
ive told her how i feel in 4 letters about 30 pages long and again today in person!!
poor han to me just seems to pick out all the negatives from out 22 month relationship, major thing is i was crap with her during 1st 6 month of pregnancy, not nasty horrid but just couldnt go near the bump, it was unplanned and a shock after 5 months of our relationship!! i was just real bad at accepting the baby! im also told theres lots of niggly things too but han dont know wat they are!
im seeing her again tomoz as hans taking ty to her dads and to tell her dad which will be hrd for her as her dad thinks the world of me, han knows that too, ive even offered her support in person on sunday, id like to talk to her dad l8r in week tho.
final thought is........can i push her away anymoreby telling her this on sunday when i go get Tyler bk, this is all how han wants the weekend byt the way!
my thoughts are now she has told me its totally over ive got not much to lose but maybe make her hate/resent me as a friend (we do get on well whatever, han just dnt love me like that??)
i really really think hans ace and i really think i should tell her this now as a friend art least, id tell anyone else if i thought they was depressed i just dont wanna upset her anymore!!
i need a kick up the butt to tell her this, its hard. whether she wants to be with me or not ill care for her!!
she's even smoking cannabis now on a daily basis, i see that as a sign of trying to get away from reality, but u cant escape that, its there when u wake every am!!
all her views on the future for us are bad!!
at the end of the day, with or without han i want her to be well, she smiled at me this arvo and made my heart melt, shes such a pretty lass and her smile is amazing. i just want her tobe happy whatever happens.
sigh!!! leaves me a bit confused
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Post by ads on Apr 1, 2006 3:27:47 GMT
cant sleep with so much on my mind, unsure now whether im right or wrong. i was sure i was right last night but guess its just thoughts as i sleep?
han may just wana smoke drugs and be constanly monged out, i dont know?? its so damn hrd knowing wat to think but the last 3 weeks now is just a different han. id hate to think he will get mixed up with the wrong sort of people. maybe being monged takes the depression away, she told me it makes you c the gd in things?? just on wat planet??
im so worried bout her and now for the first time really bout ma son. growing up not knowing him as well as i could and wat environment??? i really dont want him being addicted to any drug!!
i cant help but worry
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Post by ads on Apr 1, 2006 16:59:01 GMT
should i take a hint that its really over or am i just being lashed out at when han brings all my belongings inc the socks she wears to bed back to my house. i cant understand the suddeness of all of this, its just mad. one week were together the next ive got nout left at her flat!!
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Post by Veritee on Apr 1, 2006 18:19:05 GMT
Dear ads
You are going through a terrible traumatic time at the moment - no wonder you are confused and can not sleep etc.
It is always horrible when we split up with people but even more difficult when we have children with someone and we have all the implications of them not growing up living with us and the lack of control on their lives this can bring.....
and of course in your case their was little warning and it as all happened so suddenly.
However although I would like to say otherwise their is little you can do at the moment except be supportive and wait and see what happens.
You can not make someone be with you and her reasons may be much more complicated than you know about .
I would be careful about putting it all down to a mental illness like Post natal Illness unless she herself says it is due to PNI. If it is not you could put more of a wedge between you for you to suggest it.
But if you suspect she may have PNI or never got over it in the first place I can see no reason why you should not ask - but if she says she is OK or that she does have PNI/PND but this is not why she does not want to be with you - I think at this stage you have to accept this!!
You say her Edinburgh questionnaire results said that she did not have PNI?
This is usually fairly reliable as an indication as long as the woman answers truthfully about how she feels - the trouble is many do not answer with the truth for fear of the stigma associated with PNI and the fear of being considered not suitable to care for your children - this fear is generally very unfounded but it is a real fear many women have that cause them to lie on their questionnaire. Do you think she has any fears like this?
you say you are worried about her cannabis smoking, have you ever told her that you are unhappy with this or has this only started to happen since the split ?
I ask this as she said to you she is a bad person - there has to be something behind her saying this - it could be about the feeling that we are a bad person many of us get with PNI - if she has PNI as even this is not certain - do you ever disapprove of her in some way i.e about the cannabis or other things .
It does not sound like it - you sound like you really love and care for her.
But of course you also have to consider that there are many reasons for not wanting a relationship with someone than PNI. I also have to say that in my 10 or more years of supporting women with PNI no one has split up from the father of the baby because of PNI alone.
Having PNI is a testing time for all and it can be a time that either partner re-assesses their life and their relationships - but PNI is rarely in itself the only reason for not wanting to be with someone.
PNI would be an unusual reason alone as when you are suffering PNI and you have a supportive partner as you sound like you are from what you have told us - this would be the last time you would want to go through a split as when you have PNI everything is so difficult you just want to hold on to the support you have.
It is true that women often feel very negative toward their partners when they have PNI and every little fault and especially the big ones seem to count more - but it is unusual to split us when you are really in need of support.
We are a web site for PNI so are not qualified to give general relationship advice but it sounds like you are doing all you can - all you can do is be there for her .
If you do talk to her and she says she does still have PNI you could as suggested point her to this site .
If you are worried she would read what you have said and not like it - I can not see why she would be so mad at you - as far as I can tell you have said nothing offensive about her so if you have told it as it all really is I can not see why she would be mad at you for saying it??
But if she may consider coming on here we could delete anything form here you are not happy with her reading - if you are not a member you can not delete it yourself but we could do it for you
After all if she needs and wants support this should not stand in her way
All the best
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Post by ads on Apr 1, 2006 19:34:53 GMT
ok when han 1st did the questionairre she lied, i made her watch the tv prog as stated and se got upset cos she lied, thats one point the programme made that hit home with han. shewent back to the doctor, was honest and they presribed her anti depression drugs. when han moved into the flat she just stopped taking the drugs, she was very happy when she moved in but soon after i noticed a change in her and asked her if she was still taking them, thats when she said no, this was only 3-4 weeks ago!! like i said her reason for ending us was cos i wasnt the best at accepting the news of han being pregnant, was suppotive always but wouldnt touch her bump. plus lots of little things but han dont know wat any of these are!! han has a fear abut Tyler being taken off her, she often says to me about it and if anything happened to her would i look after him etc cannabis smoking, well im told she has actually smoked it since tylers been born, but the last 2 weeks i think its been constant and is to as she says herself 'see the good in things' thing is the downside is when she aint smoking it she needs to to feel ok and to c the gd in things. han hasnt had an easy past, lots of bad news and was in hospital at one time, i think its all come to a head now shes on her own in a flat!! han does not have a gd view of us growing old together, says nothing wrong with me that weve just grown apart, in 3 weeks? is it possible to grow this far apart in 3 weeks?? as far as im aware ive been totally honest on here without saying each and every bad point weve ever had but ive not mislead about anything, from the way i c it. part of me wants to show her this, but part of me thinks she'll flip at it. i made her a gift earlier............. was a box which said 'what i think u mean when u tell me ur FINE' (Feeling In Need of Encouragement) then i ripped up strips of paper and wrote on them all the nice things i c in han, like: I AM SEXY, I DO HAVE A GREAT BODY, THE WORLD IS A BETTER PLACE WITH ME IN IT, I AM SPECIAL, I AM BEAUTIFUL, I DO HAVE A GREAT SON, I HAD A GREAT BOYFRIEND WHO MAD A COUPLE OF MISTAKES (SORRY), TOMMORROW IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YESTERDAY, I CAN ACHIEVE ANYTHING I ASPIRE TO etc etc loads more, just cos she is so down about everything, like i say i do want her happy with or without me i feel she is just so down at the mo, ill do anything to at least make her happy xx
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Post by ads on Apr 1, 2006 20:58:52 GMT
i got 2 txt earlier both saying 'thank u x' told her bout how i think she is depressed and y and that no matter whether she loves me or not weve been thru lots together and even as her best friend im here to talk to her, with loved up feelings aside................. again i got a reply "thank u x"
thats a lot different to wat i have been getting past week. hans real cool, everyone needs help and guidance in their life, i hope han knows she can always turn to me, without pressure!!
im sure i got the message to her n blk and white on a txt, no confrontation then
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