She's lost the love...

[lpotter]

Hi there,

I'm new and this is my first post. My wife has just been diagnosed with post natal depression, our daugher is now 18 months old, and i think that one of the things that may have started it off was when we moved house almost a year ago.

She really didn't like the move, but i didn't know until after, now everything has turned it a living nightmare. She show's effection towards our daught but doesnt want to do anything with her, she wont play with her or do anything for herself.

I know that she is suffering with depression in one way or another because of the things she described to me, but the biggest blow has been that she's said she no longer loves me the way she used to and doesnt know what she want anymore. I'm currenly living with my sister to give her some space to decide but i keep thinking that this is probably not the best time to try and resolve her feelings for me, surely it would be better after her depression is under control and she starts to love life again.

I suppose i'm just calling out to anyone that may have any ideas as to weather post natal depression would have this effect on her feelings towards me and if there is any light at the end of the tunnel...? It all seems to have started around the time of the move, she's not been happy since the move and for around 6 months not beens sure about her feelings for me or our daughter...?

Any feedback would be greatly recieved.

Thanks

[angel]

Hi

I wanted to first say a big WELCOME to the site and well done for trying to find help and advice.

It does sound like you both have been going through a rough time of it at the moment but i believe that you are doing the right thing by giving your wife some space but you must make sure that she knows you are still there for her.

When i was suffering at my worst i felt that my husband had gone off me and didn't love me anymore therefore i used to tell him i didn't love him and didn't want to be with him. I think the reason i was saying it was that i was frightened because of the thoughtsi was having about him leaving me and things that i wanted to hurt him.

I have to say that sometimes i'm amazed that we are still together after some of the things i did but i just know i have got a fantastic man to support me. That was one of the things that he kept telling me was that he was there for me and that he loved me even if i didn't believe him most of the time.

Do you still see your wife and your daughter? is your wife having any sort of treatment at the moment?

I would suggest maybe you could try writing her a letter telling her exactly how you feel about her and things like that because that way even if she doesn't read it straight away she may pick it up at some point. Like i said just be there to support her anyway that you can and if that means giving her space so be it.

Take Care and let us know how things are going maybe you could tell your wife about this site we would be pleased to meet and talk to her as well.

Angel

[lpotter]

I do still see her, i had my daught the weekend which was nice, the only problem is when i see her at the moment i just cant seem to stop asking how she's feeling, is she feeling any better about me etc... In my head i know is should'nt but my heart takes over.

My main concern really is weather the condition may be why she feels this way about me, i have written letters to her, and i'm keeping a diary of my time away so she can read it when she's ready, just to let her see what my life was like with them, it's hard being away, especially when you know she's not well. i suppose a little hope goes a long way.

She's being visited by the healt visitor today, she's not looking foward to it, she said "she going to judge me" i've tried to re-asure her that they are going to help her get her relationship back on track with our daughter but the hardest thing is she doesn't think that she's that bad. She's said the last thing she want to do is get up in the morning, play with our daughter, do anything, she sleeps alot and is tired alot, she also dislikes herslef alot which is hard to deal with, especially when you think there fantastic..!

I'll always be there for her, i've told her that, it's just very hard when you dont know if the love is really gone or if the PND is causing some of it?

Thanks for your comment, strangly it give you a boost to carry on.

[marion]

Hi there
PNI does very strange things to your thinking and for me personally I have become paranoid that people talk about me etc. I dont know but as Angel says, it may be that she believes that you are going off her and she is trying to get in there first? I know I was terrified of driving my husband away because of the way I acted and things I said but he stuck with me and has helped me so much - without him I wouldnt be here now.

Unfortunately pni is a slow illness to recover from and whilst you're bad I dont think you are 'you' anymore and it makes it very difficult to make decissions, particularly life changing ones like splitting up with your partner. I too went through a patch where I didnt want to do anything for my little girl - being near her seemed to make me physically unwell but I am pleased to say that this has passed and now I love being with her and lookig after her (most of the time!). I was very lucky with my husband in that he basically took over her care whilst I was in hospital with pni and when I was home, as I still couldnt take care of her.

You are doing the right thing in giving her the space she says she needs, but do keep letting her know you are there for her whenever she feels she is ready to talk or that you are there to help with the baby as much as she needs. Does she have anyone else with her or anyone to help with the baby??

Please let us know how she and you get on - there's always someone here to talk to if you need it.

Love
Marion.

[lpotter]

While i'm away she will have keira (our daughter) alot. I've basically always had her when i get home from work, only for 1hr before bed but every little helps, i've always played with her when i get home, change her for bed, give her her bottle, cuddle then put her to bed... it's been this way since birth so it will be hard for her because its the end of the day that you've had enough i suppose.

She does still work and that helps alot, monday & tuesday she work for 4 hours in the after noon and her mother has keira, then early on thrsday and friday but she wont be able to do that if i'm not there as i have keira then.

She has friends to talk to, it's just a case of waiting for her to want to talk, i like it to be with me but i'm happy for her to talk to anyone. I'm a very logically thinking person, and i think this is why i'm finding this very difficult to understand, hearing your comments and feedback is really helpful and i think i'll at the moment i'll continue to give her the space and hope she doesn't give up on us while suffering with this illness.

Thanks
Lee

[yoyo]

Hi Lee

Just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're all having such a tough time.

PNI stinks it really does. I don't know anything about you or your wife but I do know that PNI is the hardest thing in the world to cope with day in and day out. Support is essential and not expecting too much of yourself. as for how it affects relationships - I'm afraid to say it can test them to breaking point - I was paranoid my hubby was having an affair or hated me for how I was, I hated myself so how could anyone even like me let alone love me. I'd constantly push him away and leave the baby things to him - I couldn't face each day - it was absolutely terrible.

It's great to hear you've ben providing support where you can - esp with the evening routine etc - in time i'm sure you're wife will ook back at this fondly. I;m wafflingly trying to say that PNI is an illness that DOES go away. It's a long old road and a very tough one but it DOES GET BETTER. Your wife will be very depressed, very scared and very flat at the moment and it will take some doing to get better but it will happen for her x x

Please keep talking on here if it helps you and if your wife wants to read up a bit about how others have survived PNI or what worries we have and things she's more than welcome here x x Thinking of you

[bam02]

Hi Lee.
This is Geoff, Bam02's husband. Without wanting to seem presumptuous, I know just how you feel and what you're going through.
All I can say is:- it gets better, honestly it does.