Should I let go

[Stoose]

Hi, Sorry to post on here (I have never done this type of thing before), but i am at a complete loss.

My wife has given birth to a baby girl 8 weeks ago, and since then we have been arguing most of the time. She now wants to end our relationship as she doesn't make me happy anymore and doesn't want to be close, ie. Cuddle me or tell me she loves me.

The thing i find really confusing is that she is fine with everyone else its just me. We had the same problem last year when we lost a baby and then split up for 3 months. She eventually came back and everything was great.

I am really sorry to have to post on here and feel like a right moaner, but i have done everything i can to try resolve our problems, even asked her if she is "fed up" dare not mention PND as she would kill me..

It isn't easy for her as she runs her own business and is back at work doing a 40 hour week. I have asked her to give up but to no avail. I pick my daughter up at 4pm get home sort her (and a very active dog), tidy round the house, and cook dinner all before she gets home at 8pm.

I feel now that i have not helped in anyway and pushed her away please can anyone relate to this, and what do i do for the best. Do i just let her leave?

[cheshire]

Hi Stoose,

Don't be sorry to post - it's fine.

I am so sorry about the loss of your first child - this must have been so difficult for you both.

Many people do not understand PND/ PNI - I know I didn't to the point that I just didn't know what was wrong with me - could you maybe print out a list of symptoms for her - I found it really enlightening reading through the list on the home page here & at APNI - proved to me I knew nothing about PNI and the causes.

Sounds like she has a very busy and demanding career. I worked these sort of hours after my first and know how utterly exhausting it can be, especially if you are woken in the night too. But your partner also has the loss of a child to deal with and whilst I have no idea of your circs. , I'm speculating that having another child might trigger extreme overprotectiveness or grief? I'm not sure.

What I do know is that my husband was the one always 'at fault' after I had my 2nd and became ill with PNI. I think I took it out on him to be honest - we argued and more. Almost split up - but we are fine now through his sheer determination, I think.

My husband would probably say to you - 'ride the storm', be unconditionally accepting, tell her you love her, give her lots of breaks by doing the practical stuff...etc.

Has she been to the GP yet by the way or does she have any friends/ family she can talk to/ confide in?

Hopeful

[Veritee]

Our posts crossed hopeful - but I think we are saying the same thing in different ways

Dear Stoose

I am not sure I can advise you but I really do feel for your situation.

You do seem to be in a catch 22 position and a very difficult one.

What I can say is that many women do go through a rejection of their partners when they have PNI and something you said seemed to relate to how many women with PNI feel

i.e 'She now wants to end our relationship as she doesn't make me happy anymore and doesn't want to be close, ie. Cuddle me or tell me she loves me. '

The thing that rings bells with me is her reasons seem to be about what she can not give you rather than just not wanting to be with you and this is certainly very reminiscent of PNI when we feel we are bad wives, partners and/or mothers and everyone would be better off without us!

And it does sometimes only affect one person, some sufferers have only felt like this about one older child and not the baby or their own parents or their partnerand no one else.

But as she would not say herself she has PNI and in fact as you say would 'dare not mention PND' I can not say if she does have it or not as only she can make this decision.

However all I can advise at the moment is to keep reassuring her that you want to be with her and you are prepared to be patient for as long as it takes and go without cuddles etc and you definitely do not want her to leave.

Make sure she really knows this and if she still wants to leave and does then it probably is not PNI as often wanting to leave a partner or husband when you have PNI is often because you feel you are no good for the person you are leaving because you have no energy to spare to be nice or to give them anything rather than actually wanting to leave because of other reasons.

So it is importint not to take their energy but to help them as mush as possible and be undemanding to leave them with energy and space for themselves ( I know this is a lot to ask as you probebly need support yourself, but it is all I can suggest)

So this is all I can suggest, that for the minute you have to be a bit of a martre and VERY patient.

So I suggest that you:

-Make it clear you do not want her to leave at all
-That you can live without the cuddles, attention etc
-That you still love her
-Be undemanding especially sexually unless she indicates she wants your interest
-Help her all you can in every way ( this seems very important as she has gone back to a very stressful job very soon)
Do NOT push her away - but also do not demand

Thats all I can suggest - it is basically what my very tolerant husband did 16 years ago when I felt like I had nothing left to offer him and he would be better off without me - and we are still together now with a daughter 17 years old in a week

( bar the helping me with housework or baby care - as my husband was not very good with helping with child care something he realizes he should have done now - but you sounds like you can cope with the needs of a young baby OK)

My husband used to say 'one day I will get my Veritee back!'
and he did........
So all I can suggest is the above - make it easy for her to stay with you

It might not work but it is worth a try and if it is PNI it will pay off in the end - but PNI can be a long illness so like my husband you will have to be very patient

All the best

Veritee

[stoose]

WOW...

What can I say, thank you so much for the replies..

I will try my bestest to put into play everything you have said, I know it will be difficult but god is she worth it.

You have already made me feel 100% better, as all i seem to be able to do at the moment is look to blame myself for all this, you begin to doubt yourself as a parent (even though its only been 8 weeks and aint got a clue anyway).

I just wish she would speak to someone, but like i said she is very head strong, and all her friends that have kids think all men are *********, so that doesnt really help. its so hard for me not knowing just wish she would stop being stubborn and go..

Anyway gotta go and feed baby as she has started moaning at me now... ;D

[stoose]

Hi just thought I would let you know what happened last night.

I avoided the subject all night (to scared of how she would react), told her i didnt want her to go, and left it at that.

She cryed a couple of times during the evening for no reason and when i asked her why she just said it was because it was so hard us splitting up.

Then once we had gone to bed (i am in the back bedroom) i got up to get a glass of water, and then on the way back to bed went in to see her. We talked for a while and she finaly said she would go see the doctor next week.

What worries me though is what if it isnt PNI, and I have pushed her into this, also is it normal not to have any of the other sysmptoms? Reading some of the posts on here make me think it needs to be a lot worse than just not wanting to be close, and thinking that she does not make me happy.

[marion]

Hi Stoose

I dont think you have to have all the symptoms for it to be pni - I would think that not wanting to be close to someone and crying like she seems to would be a sign that things are not entirely right for her but I'm sure that the dr will be able to answer these problems for her, as long as she is honest.

Am I right in thinking she has gone back to work? I couldnt have imagined working when my little one is 8weeks old - I would not have been physcially read too as having a baby puts such a strain on you physically and emotionally. I know it's hard for you but try and make sure she rests as much as she can if she is working as this must be knackereing for her.

Take care
Marion.

[stoose]

Marion

Hi, yes she was back in work after 4 weeks, and like i said working 40 hours at least, most of the time its more like a 50 hour week.

I have asked her to get someone to run the business, and i will make up any shortfall, but she thinks she is fine being in work, and does not want to have to come to me for money (which isnt an issue), but i do understand her wanting her freedom in that respect.

[trixibelle]

Hi Stoose

I know that I haven't wanted to be close to my husband having been poorly and feeling overwhelmed since my daughter was born. I think that when you've got so much on your plate, some people feel they don't want anything extra, and although I love my husband to pieces, I just couldn't take the 'pressure' of him wanting anything from me (even a cup of tea!).

You could maybe try asking your wife what it is that she does want, and how you can work together to for your daughters sake. Sounds like you are doing really well with the baby, and the fact you have come onto this site also shows that you really care and want things to work. I hope your situation takes a step in the direction you hope really soon

Don't give up x

[Veritee]

I am glad that what we have said has been of use to you, this is what the site was set up for - not just for women but for partners and those close to women with PNI.

It sounds like you are doing the right things, and thats all you can do at this time.

I wanted to say that some women with PNI use work as an escape from their feelings and thoughts.

I did - I worked full time as a youth worker when I was at my worst with PNI. I did not even have to work fully time as I was employed half time but I took on any extra work I could to be out of the house and to justify someone else rather than me looking after my baby for as many hours as I possibly could.

Looking back I cannot imagine how I coped as I had a smallholding as well to run - but basically anything was better than being alone with my daughter as it was then that the horrible thoughts started. Sometimes I could nto bare to be in the same room as her!!

And this brings me to my other point....

You say that she does not have any of the other symptoms of PNI and is it normal only to have one or two symptoms and not the others.

Yes of course it is as none of us get ALL the possible symptoms and some find one symptom more worrying than the others.

But I need to ask you, if she did have other symptoms WOULD YOU KNOW?

and how would you tell?

It was at least 6 months after the birth before I started to be able to tell my husband the extent of how bad I was feeling and especially that I had horrible intrusive thoughts that were worse around my baby ( and sometimes these thoughts are not about the baby, some women get them about their other children if they have them or their partners - if they were about you, would she tell you?

These thoughts may not be part of her symptoms, as many do get them but not all but their are other symptoms equally distressing that women with PNI have theta they are scared or embarrassed or just do not want to tell anyone , even their closest, about.

PNI is called both 'The Hidden Epidemic' and the Smiling Illness' because women with PNI are very good at hiding it and it has been said that some 'experts' in PNI look for the women in a group of mothers who is smiling most and seems to be coping not only with the usual things around having a new baby , but with much else besides to a degree that a new mother would not normally be able to.

This describes me as when I had PNI as was working long hours, I was a trustee of two charities and chair of one, I had a smallholding with chickens, ducks goats and 4 horses and ponies to look after.......

and it could describe your partner!!

Of course it may not and she may not have PNI and just want out of your relationship.

But from what you have said their is also a good chance this is not the case and PNI is a possibility and that what you are seeing is only the tip of the iceberg in terms of what is going on for her inside that she does not yet feel able to tell anyone.

This is often the case with PNI so it is a great first step that she has agreed to see her doctor.

If she does indeed have PNI it may take several visits before she 'comes out ' completely about how she feel if ever , as so many with PNI are just so shamed by it and feel such stigma they can not admit to the full results of it for a long time.

Although after about 10 months I was able to be quite open about my PNI ( but not at all in the early months ) and indeed started to shout it from the rooftops as I was horrified as to how much this illness is misunderstood and not recognized

But even for me it was only years later I was able to admit in public the full horror of some of my symptoms such as the thoughts and some of my more 'Psychotic' thoughts and actions I have only admitted recently nearly 17 years later.

So please be patient, assure her that you want her and you want her to stay. Perhaps over time you can ask her a bit more each time and try to discuss how she feels.

Perhaps you can say that you have read somewhere on the Internet - or even here is you feel at soem point you can tell her abotu this site - that some women after having a baby have horrible thoughts that can not bare to tell anyone or that some women have thoughts that they are worthless and not good for their family etc or feel panicky or anxious especially when with their babies or partners etc

I would not want you to push it and I would advise you get the visit to the GP over first - and if she reacts badly if you bring these things up I would leave it totally for a while at least ....
but sometimes we need to feel its OK to have these symptoms and thoughts and its OK to tell - that the person you are telling will not take drastic action or feel you are mad or evil.

So it might be that she has other symptoms and she will be relived to be able to tell you??

But take it VERY slowly and until you have seen the Doctor just keep reassuring her you love her and want her to stay whatever is the matter you will stand by her and be their for her.

And while I have written the above as if she does have PNI - but of course this may not be the case and we can not ever assume it to be until the women herself feel that it is

All the best

veritee